Maybe I'm Not Up for Being a Victim of Love

I'm so tired of my life right now. This living purgatory I'm trapped in just isn't working. I just want to sleep through the next 5 days. Wednesday is D-Day. I feel like that will be the day the verdict will be handed down. The direction of the rest of my life is trapped in one little box on the calendar. Will he decide to try to make it work, or will he decide he can't? Either way I'll be glad to have the shaking stop. I'm not sure my nerves will hold out much longer.

Depression Settles In

As each day passes I become less and less hopeful that my marriage is going to survive. Hubby and I have had several talks about our marriage, what we wantto change, what we think can change, and the effort that is going to be required. I made it clear to Hubby that I was willing to work as hard as need be to make things work between us. I did not take our marriage vows lightly.

I asked Hubby for a statement of his commitment to making things work. He said he could not promise me anything, because he didn't want to hurt me more if he broke his promise. He says that if the counselor tells him he has to change himself or his life he's not going to do it. That doesn't leave me much hope.

At one point in our discussion he said the phrase, "I feel like I want to let you go, but I can't."
In response, through a heavy stream of tears, I responded, "If you want to let me go you need to. I'm not trying to be mean, but I need to take care of myself too. I don't want to waste years of my life with someone who doesn't really want to be with me."
His reply: "I know. I am unhappy about a lot of things in our marriage, but I don't want to ever stop taking care of you." I don't know what to think anymore.

I told him that the ball was 100% in his court, because I really don't want to be with Hubby if he's just staying with me to keep from hurting me. I may have made the mistake of telling him that if we divorce I'm moving back west and I probably won't be able to talk to or be around him for a very long time. He says he hates to see me crying and hurting, and that he doesn't want to hurt me. He says he hates the thought of not being able to talk to me if we called it off. Honestly I don't know what he expects of me. I know I wouldn't be able to just get over the fact that our marriage is over. I know that every time I talked to him or was around him I would just be hurting and wishing for some miracle to make things the way they used to be. I'm already wishing that enough as it is.

I'm a total wreck. I'm so anxious that I can barely eat. I shake constantly. Sometimes I can fall asleep, sometimes I can't, but when I do I toss and turn and have nightmares. My stomach is a mess. I stopped crying for the most part though, I think my body is out of tears. I just want to know what is going to happen. I'm tired of feeling this way.

Where's the Rewind Button??

It's nearing 2:30 and I can't sleep. I have to be up at 5 and ready to teach 140 teenagers. I'm not sure how I'll do it; I guess lots of caffeene. I keep laying there in bed thinking about everything. I can't stand having my life in limbo. I can't stand feeling like my husband doesn't love me because the only hugs I've gotten in the past week have been forced by me. I'm hurting so much that I just want to scream. I just want it to go away. I want my normal life back.

I still don't believe in divorce

I thought a lot today about the possibility of divorce; about what it might be like and how it might be easier. I began to see how so many people in this country end up divorced. It seems like such an easier option than staying through the incredibly tough parts and working on a relationship. I thought today about moving back home to California, and about getting my own apartment near all of my old friends. I thought about being on my own for once in my life. I imagined having a night job and spending my days pursuing some type of acting or modeling career. I thought about going to parties and clubs with my friends. I thought about taking extended weekend camping trips, and traveling to all of the places in the world I want to go.

I thought about the handful of single people I know and how much fun their lives seem. Then I really thought about how empty and lonely that life would be. Sure, there would be friends and parties, but there would also be an empty apartment to come home to. Yes, I would see the places in the world I want to see, but I would do it alone and thinking about how much Hubby would enjoy being there too. I began to think about the fact that I really didn’t get to be in my 20’s. Hubby and I were engaged by the time I was 20 and married when I was 22. Now I’m 24 and have been to a club 2 times in my life. I thought about all of that, but then I thought about how the fun of the typical 20’s life seems so hollow compared to the fulfillment my successes have brought me.

Thinking of the word success made me reflect on the successes that lie ahead in life, both for me, and Hubby. I thought about Hubby getting his promotion in the next year and how much I want to be there when he gets it. How much I want to be by his side as he achieves his goals. How I want to beam proudly at him from our table at a banquet as he’s congratulated in some way or another for being the amazing person he is. That thought took me to my frustrations about his recent long hours at work and I began to really hear everything he has said to me about them in the past. I suddenly realized how much this means to him, and it made me ashamed for being so selfish and simply wanting him home to keep me company.

Hubby doesn’t have a college education, but he has an amazing work ethic and drive to succeed. He is making it to bigger and better places by hard work alone. I respect that so much and I finally understand how much this means to him. Not only is he doing this for himself though, he’s doing it for us. He’s doing it to provide a better home and life. I want to stand by his side and support him in this because his happiness and success really matter so much to me. I think I’ve lost track of some priorities along the way and somehow figured that all of my wants and desires should come first and that is just not fair to Hubby; both of our wants and desires should be met.

It could be so easy to give up, but I realize that my life would be so empty without Hubby. I want to share everything life has to offer with him. I want to go through all of the amazing successes with him. I want to support each other through the hard times, and come out with a stronger bond. I want to someday snuggle up on the couch in our dream home with glasses of wine in our hands and enjoy just being there in the moment where our hopes have come true. I want to share satisfied and content moments with him on Sunday morning in bed before we get up for the day.

I want so much to be a better person. I want to trust again (which I do know I can't do without his help). I want to stop being jealous and insecure. I want to believe in myself, my abilities, my husband, his love for me, and our marriage. I want to love, trust, and support Hubby. I want to share equally in both the blessings and the burdens of life, and I want all of those things to be returned. I want to rebuild what we have started, and continue together, for the rest of our lives, to create a life we can be proud of. I want to get over the jumble of ugliness that is in my head and just be happy. I think it’s possible. I know it won’t happen over night, but I am so ready to try my hardest. Without working on the insecurity and jealousy though, there will be nothing left of our marriage. I destroyed a lot of it by turning into this stranger in the mirror. I’m not who Hubby married, and I’m not who he fell in love with. I’m not particularly happy about, or proud of this jealous person I have become.

I guess it boils down to the fact that I thought a lot today about what it would be like to end our marriage; and as a fantasy it seemed so tempting, but as a reality I know it would not be what I wanted. Being married to Hubby is what I want and what makes me happy. Starting today I commit myself to working as hard as I can to make our marriage work. I hope that he is willing to make that same commitment. If he is, I have hope that we can get through this, and in the end re-commit ourselves and our lives to one another.

Wild Horses

Haunting, hollow voices
echo "Wild Horses"
as I sit
in my darkened car imagining
the results of leaving
the engine on
parked in our garage.

I wanted to be young,
romantic, and reckless.
Driving nowhere holding
hands and looking at the stars
through the roof
of the car we thought could take
us anywhere our love led us.

Instead we sit watching
as the stars rain
from the sky around
us. They are beautiful
as they fall
but will never illuminate
our sky again.

Somehow we're here
strangers in the same
house. Old and haggard in our prime.
Young, romantic, and reckless seem
to have passed us by like wild mustangs.
Can we run fast
enough to catch up?

Disappointment

I’m so upset and confused, and hurt, and disappointed. So disappointed. In a lot of people. I’m disappointed in a lot of things I’m so disappointed. I’m not sure what I was expecting when I said I’d marry Hubby, but I’m sure it wasn’t this. I’m disappointed in what our marriage has become. I didn’t sign on for his insane work hours, for him telling me he isn’t happy. I didn’t sign on to barely see him, and when I do for it to be when he’s on his way to the weight room. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say anymore. I locked him out of our room tonight when he hadn’t come home by 10. Maybe it wasn’t the most mature or brightest decision I’ve ever made, but I did it.

When he finally got home and wanted in around 10:45 I wouldn’t let him in. He tired the knob thinking it was broken, but it wasn’t then he knocked and asked me to open the door. I told him that there were two other beds in the house. He knocked a few more times and when I didn’t answer he went to another bedroom. I laid there for a minute and realized that it probably wasn’t the wisest move. I went to tell him he could come in our room and he had the other room locked. I guess I had that coming. I told him he could come in and he said he didn’t want to, and that he didn’t know why I locked the door.

Didn’t know??? Really and honestly he had no clue as to why I would lock him out of our room?? I’m so sure! I told him that I was angry because he keeps coming home between 8 and 10 every night form work. He’s been doing this for about a month now. I’m so tired of it. Maybe if those were his scheduled hours, but his scheduled hours are 8 to 6. He just stays late because he wants to. He keeps saying that it is for us. That he’s trying to get a promotion. My question is, if that is the case why is he still doing it after his boss already told him that he wouldn’t be able to give him the promotion.

He might then say that I shouldn’t complain because he’s using the money from his job to pay the house note and that he shouldn’t be locked out of any room in his house. But to that I say, somehow all of this other co-workers seem to get home to their wives and children at a decent time, and still pay for their house. Why is it that he has to stay so late???

He needs to draw some kind of line. He needs to let it go at some point. Staying at work until 10 isn’t healthy. I’m beginning to think that he’s turned into a workaholic. The one night he told me he was going to get off at a decent time his boss came in last minute with a bottle of champagne and said that they needed to celebrate the New Year. So what did he do?? He stayed at work for another 2 hours to hang out with his boss instead of me. That doesn’t really make me feel that great.

I’m not quite sure what he’s trying to do with working all of these late hours. He knows I have trust issues and sometimes I think he’s doing it just to test me and see how much I trust him. Tonight I wanted so badly to get in my car and drive to his work to make sure he was there, but that is crazy Jane talking, so instead I just stewed. Just lime I’m stewing now. I should be in bed. I’ve got 140 9th graders that need me alert and ready to teach them tomorrow. But instead I’ll end up groggy and irritated at them for nothing they did. Part of me is writing this right now just to annoy him because he’s in the next room. I don’t want him to be able to sleep if I can’t sleep.

I tried calling Penny. She talked to me for about 10 seconds before she said her daughter had come into her room, and she needed to tend to her. She said she’d call me back, and still she hasn’t called. I need someone to talk to so badly. I just am so frustrated and disappointed. I sat and listened while Penny cried into the phone to me for hours when she was going through the problems with her divorce, but she can’t take the time to listen to me as I’m freaking out about my husband.

My therapist cancelled 5 appointments in a row on me and Hubby about 3 months ago. I never called to schedule another appointment. She never called me to get me to come back in. I’m disappointed that someone who said that they cared about me, someone who would hug me and tell me they loved me at the end of every session never called to check on me, never wanted to make sure that I was OK. I just feel very un-cared for right now. My husband doesn’t want to be around me, my closest friend can’t find the time to talk to me when I need her, my therapist doesn’t care if I’m doing OK.

I know this might sound like a little bitch-fest/pity party, and you know what, it is, but I really don’t care. I’m hurt and I want to get my feelings out. Why are things this way? Why can’t everything be peachy? Why did I lock the door? Why won’t Hubby come into our room now? What is tomorrow going to be like? Why am I so dumb? What the hell did I get myself into? Am I ever going to be happy with things the way they are??

I had a thought about that the other day. Why can’t I just let things be? Why am I never happy with things the way they are? Am I self-destructive? Am I just a total psycho? Am I a perfectionist in the weirdest places of my life where there will never be perfection? Sometimes I can’t stand myself. Why the hell can’t I just be normal? Or is this normal?

I take Lexapro for depression and anxiety, Depakote for leg twitches (and I have a sneaking suspicion bi-polar disorder), Provigil for Excessive Daytime Sleepiness, and Yasmin because I’m so totally fucked up that I can’t even imagine being able to take care of another human being. This is me.

Holiday Wrap Up

Christmas was good. Hubby, Dad, and I went over to the in-laws for some Christmas breakfast and present opening. Our 10 year old nephew has never gotten exceptionally excited when he opens presents, and this year was no exception. I think dad was a little shocked by that. We could all tell that our darling nephew did indeed enjoy his presents, though.

I got a stocking full of Godiva goodies, a million gift certificates, a blue iPod!, accessories for said iPod, and lots of other small fun stuff. The best part was watching Hubby and Dad open the presents I bought for them. I try to put a lot of thought into thegifts I buy so I'm always terribly excited to see people open their gifts.

We spent most of the afternoon at the in-laws, but then headed back to the Jane & Hubby house. I commenced the preparation of the traditional Christmas Enchiladas. They were delicious as always. We watched the best of Alec Balwin on SNL as we ate, and enjoyed each others' company and some hearty laughs.

This Christmas was pretty perfect for the Christmas that it was. I wasn't expecting anything great with most of my family spread out across the country. I enjoyed the strange, but happy time we had.

Now I'm off the brave the post-holiday shopping crowd and spend all those gift certificates. Hubby is urging me to buy some new clothes. For some reason he thinks there is something wrong with wearing clothes that have been saftey-pinned back together (on the inside). I guess he's right. I'm just hoping most people have gone to work by now, and I can enjoy a mall filled only with teenagers and teachers who are out of school, and old people. We'll see!

The Smells of the Season

One of my faorite things about the holiday season is that I finally have time to bake all of the goodies I want, and I actually have tons of people who will eat them. Yesterday I cooked up 2 giant batches of my grandma's famous toffee. She passed away several years ago, and for the longest we didn't have our annual batch of toffee. Lukily a few years ago my aunt's mother remembered that Grandma had given her the recipe, so holiday order has been restored.

This morning I got up and baked 4 dozen cookies to go along with the toffee, and I'm about to make a lovely batch of spinach & artichoke dip. I can't wait to serve it up to everyone at my in-laws' house tonight. Yipee!

Magnetic Haikus

I've been out of town visiting my sis, and celebrating my birthday. Both were great. As an x-mas present from my buddy Penny I got a magnetic haiku kit. This could not be more appropriate. I've made a few and thought I'd share.

Haiku Time 2!

I've been grading haikus for hours, and have finally been pushed to the edge of insanity. Here is my haiku for today. Enjoy!

Don’t mess with Mrs.
Jane Doe. She’s kind of crazy.
Unstable teacher.

Haiku Time

The clouds float by me.
They speak to me of lost dreams.
Can I make them stay?

Beautiful Models

I snapped at Hubby tonight. I probably shouldn't have but I did. I probably shouldn't have watched the end of the victorious Secret fashion show with him either, but I did. (Which is what spurred me to snap at him.)

He probably shouldn't have come from work at 9:30 PM, but he did. In addition to his unreasonably late night, we watched the above mentioned fashion show. As we were watching he pointed out his favorite model and said she had a beautiful face. The frustration set it when I heard that because I can't remember the last time he used to word beautiful to describe me, but he can use it to describe a super model of course.

He's been working out, and I've been gaining weight. I worked out today and all he said was, "good." That all in conjunction tonight hasn't made me feel very good about myself. And so I snapped when he tried to undo my bra in the middle of the kitchen, when he tried to tickle my crotch (don't ask, it sooo annoying), when he tried to tickle my knee. Yes all of these things are insanely annoying, and honestly I didn't want him to touch me. Bleh!

Victory is Mine!

I got up at 5:30 this mornign to hit up the Best buy holiday sale. I ended up standing in line in 32 degree weather for 20 minutes just to get into the store. When I got in I battled the crowds to get christmas presents. I emerged victorious with the spoils of war. My brother in law will now have a brand new Cannon digital camera, a picture printer, a 2 GB memory card, and picture paper and an extra cartridge for his printer. He doesn't own a computer, but he'll still be able to use his digital camera and print out pictures. I got my mother in law a DVD recorder so she can transfer her home movies onto DVDs. I bought Hubby a kit so that he can play his iPod in the car. I got myself a recargeable 8 hour battery for my new portable DVD player. It was insanity, but I guess it was worth it because x-mas is pretty much taken care of. I didn't even spend that much money, and that was the whole point of being that at the butt-crack of dawn.

You bet I came home and went back to sleep for a few hours.

Bubbling

I love to cook, so the past few days have been heavenly for me. Yesterday I cooked up 2 chocolate mousse pies. Today I whipped up a big batch of whipped cream to top the pies with and currently the creamiest mashed potatoes on Earth pr bubbling away on the stovetop. At least I've still got one of the joys of the holiday season.

Then There Were Two

Packing up my parents' house is an odd experience. As Brent and I packed up the photo collages from my childhood I couldn't help but look at all of the pictures and get misty eyed. I wouldn't exactly call my childhood perfect, but looking at those pictures it made me so sad to know that my family is now scattered to the wind. Mom and dad in New Mexico, sister in Colorado, Grandmother in California, and me here in the south. My entire family used to live within a 60 mile radius of one another in California. I don't know what the rest of my life holds, but I'm worried that the rest of it won't include the closeness with my family that it has up until this point. It's so hard to part ways.

It's so hard to pack up the house; so hard to look at the spot in the kitchen where Hubby proposed to me; hard to go into the room where my mother helped me put on my wedding dress. Hard to turn the page on a chapter of my life. I'm excited, but scared to live on my own, just Hubby and I. I'm excited to see what kind of family Hubby and I build together, just the two of us here floating along in our life. We've already decided on our own little Christmas, just the two of us.

Just the two of us.

Not Her Favorite Human

The puppy needed a bath. I can’t afford to send her to the groomer so I did it myself this morning. She looks adorable but I have now earned the title, “Not Her Favorite Human.” Hopefully after I’m done running my errands for the day she’ll have forgotten all about it and snuggle up on the couch with me. She really does look simply gorgeous! P.S. The bed my mom bought her says it all.

The Swinging of the Scales

I'm so disappointed I don't even really know what to say. One of my students had been out for a few days last week. I figured he was suspended, because he's suspended a lot, but when he didn't come back after the fourth day I got worried. I asked his classmates if they had heard from him. That's when one of them told me he was in jail for committing a hate crime. I'm baffled. He wasn't the best of my kids, he'd said some rude a lewd things to me while my back was turned (which he couldn't be punished for since I didn't see him say them), but this is of a totally different caliber. I honestly didn't think any of my kids were capable of something like this.

Word around school is that he'll be in jail for at least 10 months. I'm just baffled. My view of my kids has been changed. No, I don't think they're all a bunch of awful hooligans and thugs, but I guess I should understand that they're not all angels. I guess I was a little naive. I get frustrated because I couldn't get through to him. He seemed to be making a honest effort to do better in my class. I thought I had inspired him to achieve, apparently not.

I still have my student T though. He is such a wonderful kid. The other teachers might have agreed to send him to alternative school, but I cried when they told me they were sending him away. I'm the one teacher who has always said positive things to him. Even when I caught him cheating on a test, I just told him I was disappointed and knew he was better than that, instead of telling him he was a bad person. Now every morning before he gets on the bus to go to alternative school he comes by my room to say good morning and tell me how much he misses me and my class. We are both counting down the days until he can come back. I honestly think I'm making a huge impact on his life. And I guess that makes up for the bad news.

I Can Do Better

I can't sleep. I was just laying there in bed tossing and turning and thinking about my effectiveness as a teacher. I keep wondering if I'm good enough at what I do. Am I impacting their lives? Am I teaching them something new everyday? Am I getting through to them, or am I just setting them up for failure? Am I doing enough?

I don't feel like I'm using enough innovative and fresh strategies in my classroom. I don't feel like I'm stimulating their minds enough. I feel like I have so much to work on before I can be considered a good teacher. I get so frustrated because I have all these doubts and concerns, but when I approached my district about attending the NCTE conference in Nashville, TN they said there wasn't enough money. Here I am wanting to better myself as an educator and my district is saying "no."

I never knew I would learn so much during just my first semester, but I have. A few changes I'm going to make after the winter holidays:

-New seating arrangements.
-Give more feedback in a timely manner.
-Plan, plan, plan!
-Plan some more. I want a whole map of the final semester written down.
-Start reading more journals for innovative ideas.
-Organize my space. (A cluttered work area is a cluttered mind)
-Give my room a fresh new look.

There are more things I'd like to do, but I just can't think of them right now. I've got 2 1/2 weeks of real teaching time left in this semester. Somehow I'm going to try to make the most of it.

Picture Perfect

Fall is such a beautiful time in my backyard. Enjoy.

Sweet Corn Soup

I'm out again for tomorrow. Still feeling really low. I called the principal on the verge of tears and apologized profusely. He kept reassuring me that all he wants is for me to feel better. That's all I really want too.

Hubby should be arriving shortly with some organic creamy sweet corn soup for my dinner. I think that and saltines are about all my stomach can stomach for now. I had lots of plans for the weekend, but oh well. Getting better is the only plan now.