The Holy Hell of My Holy Union

So, it took me a while to make a new post, but boy-oh-boy are you going to get one hell of a post this time.

I have a confession to make: I know that I'm probably way more wrapped up in my marriage than I should be. Some people will say that you have to be really into your relationship for it to work, but sometimes I think I'm so into it that it's probably unhealthy. Let me preface this statement with some background info.

Going to school and finishing my senior year, so I can get that degree is my job. Being a wife is my other job. I'm really very busy though, and I spend, on average, 26.5 hours a week driving to and from school and attending class. I spend an additional 8.5 hours interning and driving to and from said internship. Altogether that makes a 35 hour work week, not including time I spend at home reading, studying, and writing papers. When I am home though, I try to get everything done before my husband gets home so I can spend time with him. I come home at 8 PM on Mondays and around 9:30 to 10 PM on Wednesdays, so needless to say Wednesdays are pretty much shot for quality time. I figured out once, after Wed. night class was cancelled that my loving hubby spends that night having "Hubby Time" (henceforth called HT). He watches shows I don't want to watch, eats food I won't eat and plays video games. This is all super awesome for him, everyone needs some "me time" (henceforth called MT). Does everyone get it though? I don't always, but it really is my own fault.

As I said before, I try really hard to get all of my studying, reading, writing, etc. done before Hubby gets home. It's really important to me to be with him, because I don't always get the chance. However, this leaves me in the predicament that I don't get any MT which leads to jealousy. Case in point:

Tonight, after last night's HT, he had to go do some things for his side business after work. He came home at 7 from work and left the house at 15 past. At 10:30 I called to see if he was OK and he stated he was visiting his brother. I felt a twinge of icky in my chest. You know, that fast heart-beat that makes you need to take a deep breath and leaves you shaking a little. Yeah, I felt that nastiness. Thoughts flew through my head:

I spent all day working hard. I ran all my errands before he got here. I freed up my night so I could be with him, and what does he do the night after HT? He comes home late, leaves for hours, and ends up hanging out with his brother! Couldn't he have seen his brother yesterday during his 4 hours of HT? Why does he want to spend his free time out at his other job with his business partner, and with his brother instead of at home with me? We don't spend that much time together as it is. Why does he lessen it by staying away from home on the nights I'm here?

And then come the most horrible thoughts that I know I shouldn't even be thinking. Thoughts that I know are untrue and speak ill of me and our union; I begin wondering if he really is where he says he is. This isn't the first time I've thought these things and every time it goes something like this:

Is he really coming home late and spending time away from me because he's sick of me? I there someone else? Has he fallen for a co-worker? Is he secretly going to strip clubs with his brother? Has he started cheating because I can't fulfill his needs? Where is he? Why hasn't he called to say he's on his way home yet? Oh God! Why do I think things like this?? Of course he's where he says he is. He wouldn't have married me if he didn't want to be with me, he's too straight forward a person to cheat. Or am I one of those girls who people secretly say, "Poor girl, doesn't even know he's stepping out on her"? Am I one of the thousands of women who have an inkling but choose not to believe?

I think all of these things, all the while knowing that my insecurity is feeding them, making them stronger and making me weaker. The reason why I have such neurotic thoughts; because I tie myself so tightly in this relationship that my happiness depends on my husband. I have no friends, I don't go out unless it's with him, and on top of it all, I think I'm ugly. I make myself as available as possible and it hurts when he chooses the company of others to me. It hurts to know that I make such a great effort to spend as many waking hours as possible with Hubby, yet he's totally fine to spend a day at work without me, then continue to spend it without me and with his friends. I know this shouldn't bother me, it's healthy to have a life outside of a relationship, but I can't seem to manage it.

I try to force myself to have MT, but when I do I end up feeling guilty because Hubby wants to be with me and I'm not available. It seems like a never ending punishment cycle. When I have MT while he is away, he automatically wants to be near me when I'm busy, and when I clear my time for him, he automatically wants HT. Sometimes I feel so helpless and so small and so stupid. I tell myself I should just go out and do my own thing, but it's just not that easy. If I leave and have fun without him, which has only happened a handful of times, I want to be back near him. I miss him, I feel guilty, I want to share my good times with him. Sometimes I think that part of it is natural and other times I think that maybe I'm taking it overboard. I don't know, you tell me.

So that's my confession: I'm too tied up in my marriage and I don't have a life of my own which makes me get jealous sometimes when I shouldn't. Maybe I need help or maybe I'm just normal but if anyone out there is reading this, I'd surely like some friendly advice. I may not follow your advice, but sometimes it's good to have some outsider input.