Profound

The past few weeks have been an amazing exercise in figuring out that there is a whole lot more I need to learn about the word and how to live in it.

The observation went pretty well. I only have to get through next week's observation on Tuesday and I shold be good. After the week is over I get to gradually relenquish my teaching duties to my clinical instructor. I couldn't be happier. I'm way too stressed out, and had another one of those freak out dreams. I guess it's very satisfying to break things in dream land. Oh, by the way

Aaaaagggghhhhh!

My professor is coming to observe me tomorrow. I'm.not.ready.

Wow!

Yesterday was a good day. Hubby and I went and got our taxes done, we'll be receiving a nice amount of moolah back this year. We also found out that his terminal was awarded Terminal of the Year, which means he gets a check for $500, a nice dinner, and an extra vacation day. After getting our taxes done we went and ate a very yummy lunch together and then went to see "Date Movie." The movie was a fairly big disappointment. There were a few funny spots but for the most part it was very mediocre. To brighten things up after that we headed down to the Pontiac dealership to check out the G6 GT Sedan.

I really want a new car now, but I have to wait until I get a job. After driving the rented Mazda6 for half a week I'm finding it hard to deal with driving my crappy 2000 Hyundai Accent that has had the check engine light on for 2 years. (Yes, I've taken it to a mechanic twice and the light just keeps coming back). I calculated all the money from taxes, bonuses, savings accounts, and selling my car and I estimated that we could pay for a G6 with all that money until I got a job. Too bad I need to have a hefty down payment. Grrr!

During lunch Hubby and I got on the subject of my graduation, it's coming up in 8 weeks! It was so wonderful to hear him say how really proud of me he is. He told me that if he could afford it, he would buy me the most awesome graduation gift ever, but he can't. Apparently he has a plan to lobby my parents for something really amazing that he thinks I deserve. It was so sweet to watch him get all worked up over how insanely proud he is of me for how hard I've worked. It made me want to cry. I thanked him for all the support he's given me over the last 4 years. My parents have been there, but he's been my hugest cheerleader and the person who has pushed me the most to work so hard. I did tell him that even though a graduation gift would be nice, I feel like the real gift is the one I'm giving myself, the degree. I told him if anything I'd just love a party with all of our family and friends there to celebrate. My sister is flying in for it and that's a gift in itself. I can't believe I'll be out of college in 8 weeks. It's insane how close it is to being over, and I couldn't be happier.

I've got caffeine triggered ADD

I have a lot of things floating around in my head and a lot of things I want to say, but I had some tea today and caffeine makes my mind go insane. I can't concentrate for anything right now, which really isn't that good. I guess I'll make little bullets for now.

• Hubby surprised me today with his earnest desire to spend his day off tomorrow together.
• Coming home to Hubby after a few days away was wonderful. It's so disgustingly cliche.
• Met some interesting characters today on my tour of historic sites (one told me I'd receive 10 million dollars if I married his son, no joke!).
• I'm excited about the prospect of doing the pilgrimage this April.
• Learned a lot about myself on the previously mentioned trip. Three days in a new environment gave me a lot to think about.
• I'm really shocked at how much I learned. Good things, I think.
• I still wish I felt more beautiful.
• I'm very glad that I've had the chance to express myself creatively lately in places other than my lesson plans. I feel like I'm getting back to something good.

I guess that's it for now. I'm supposed to be working, but like I said, I can't concentrate to save my life. I think I'll run over to my parents' house in a little while to return some borrowed items.

The End of an Era

Wow! Something big happened recently. I looks like the visit I took to California (my home state) in August was my last for quite a while. I just found out my sister and her husband are moving to Colorado. They were my #1 reason for going there. I may end up there evetually to see my best friend or if one of my cousins gets married, but my grandmother is moving out here where I live, along with my aunt uncle and cousin, so I only have a few people left in CA now. It's very weird. I wish I had known, I think I would have done things differently. Someday when we have the money to make a trip just for fun I'll have to say good bye the right way.

Bipolar Dream Girl

Sometimes I think my dream self is bipolar. I have this really odd thing that happens regularly in my dreams and it always freaks me out a little bit. I guess maybe it's just a way of dealing with stress but eeww. I go insane in my dreams sometimes. If something doesn't go my way I always completely flip out and begin screaming and throwing things and berating people. Sometimes I even hurt people. It's kind of scary because I wonder if I might somehow be capable of acting this way in waking life.

Last night I had a dream that my mom and I were shopping in a Spencer's type store for little gifts for our husbands for valentines day. My mom found two little gift boxes with chocolates and massage oils. She said "let's get one for your Hubby and one for my Husband." I soon realized she meant to give both of them the gift boxes from her. I flipped out because I assumed she was being nice and paying for my gift to Hubby, not that she wanted to give Hubby some massage oils. I started screaming about how upset I was that she wanted to give him those things. I started throwing shot glasses at her and breaking them all over the floor. I did something to her that made her unconscious. After sitting under a display somewhere and still being freaked out I calmed down and started crying uncontrollably. I went over and woke my mom up and got into the fetal position on the floor and cried until I couldn't cry any more I begged her forgiveness and in general just felt like a piece of shit.

It was the most horrible dream, and it was so realistic. The thing is, this is not the first time I've had a dream like this. It happens every six months to every few months. I don't know why I dream these things, and it bothers me. It makes me feel weird that my mind is capable of thinking these things, and it really weirds me out that I can see myself in the dream. Sometimes I'll think I'm dreaming about myself, but really when I see me I'm someone else. In these dreams it's always very clear that I am the person freaking out. I guess I'll take solace in the fact that I would never act that way awake.