My Demons

I dreamt about ghosts again last night. This time, I was in a movie theater and the seat next to me was being saved for a woman's ghost by the man in the seat next to the saved one. There was an index card on the seat with writing on it, and when I went to read it the guy went ballistic and told me that it was a note for the ghost of his wife. I stood up and somehow blocked the light from the projector, and a red outline of a woman appeared on the screen. The man told me that, that was the ghost of his wife and he wanted me to go around the theater blocking the light so he could see the ghost. The whole crowd got into it, and they were in awe. I started feeling weird and sick, and I started screaming that something wasn't right. I became possessed by the ghost. That is when in the dream I left my body, I'm not 100% sure what happened, but I hurt a lot of people. The next thing I knew I was laying on the floor of this really old-timey lobby, and the employees were waking me up.

This is again, one of those "bigger than me" dreams. It seems odd to me that I've dreamt of ghosts twice in one week. What am I trying to tell myself?

The journey is about to begin

It is the supreme art of the teacher to awaken joy in creative expression and knowledge. - Albert Einstein

I only pray that I can master that supreme art.

The Weight of Death

Some people say that dreams are just random synapses firing while you sleep. Other people say that dreams are just the events of the day replaying in your mind. Still others believe that dreams are some sort of magic. I believe something in between all of that. I've always had very vivid, and often disturbing dreams. Sometimes I have really great dreams, but few dreams really make me feel like something bigger than myself is involved. I had one of those "bigger than me" dreams the other night.

In the dream I was dead, but I didn't know it, and was trying to keep living. I was invisible to everyone but my mother, and I couldn't understand why no one was talking to me when we went out places. My mother explained to me that I was dead, and a ghost, and no one but she could see me. I couldn't believe her, I kept saying she was lying to me. It finally hit home that I must really be dead, when she took me to see Hubby and he couldn't see me. At one point in the dream a man saw me and ran after me shouting some other woman's name. My mother explained to me that sometimes when someone is grieving intensely they'll see a ghost, and imagine it is their lost loved in, even if it really isn't. This dream made me feel heavy, and some kind of spiritual after I woke up. It made me wonder about its meaning, which doesn't usually happen. I still feel a heavy weight on my heart whenever I think about it...

Big Day!

The sun is rising, and I can't sleep. I've been up since 4. I think I'm just too excited to sleep. Tonight Hubby and I are going out to celebrate our one year anniversary. I got a new dress, and shoes, and earrings, and I think I'm going to stop him dead in his tracks. I can't wait to get all dressed up and have a night on the town with the guy I love. We haven't done this in a long time, but I didn't think I'd get so excited about it that I couldn't sleep. I guess that's just part of my personality; I get real worked up about things (in a good way).

Hubby gave me my gifts yesterday. He surprised me with 12 white roses and 12 white calla lillies. I honestly never expected him to be so sentimental and thoughtful, but he explained to me that he picked the callas because that's what he gave me the day he proposed, and he picked white roses because those were the flowers at our wedding, and he wanted to remind me of our wedding day. It just blew me away! I also got an adorable card and some twizzlers (which are my fave!) I got so excited that I just had to give him his gift. He got a 2GB iPod Nano, which I pre-loaded with all of his workout music, and a armband so he can listen to music as he lifts weights. I had it engraved with a line from our song and the date of our anniversary. He really seemed to like it, which makes me so happy!

I guess I should try to head to bed now. I only have 2 hours until I have to be up to get the dog to the groomer's, and various other errands. Weee! I can't wait for tonight!!

Stir Crazy!!!

I've been sick since Saturday, and I've been locked in the house all week. My fever keeps coming and going, but mostly coming. I just want to feel better already! I'm feeling pretty good today, but I'm going out of my mind! I can't stand being stuck in the house totally incapacitated, lying on the couch with only crappy daytime TV to keep me company. I do have an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed this evening, and I think I'm going to keep it because I seem to be staving off the fever for most of the day. I just want to get better by tomorrow so I can enjoy my wonderful night of anniversary celebrating that Hubby has planned for Saturday night. I can't believe on Sunday it will be a year since we got married. It's going to be so wonderful, as long as I can get better to enjoy it.

The Return of Jane

I'm back from California, and have just a minute of free time to say something. It was a great trip. I actually felt like I was a 23 year old for once. It was great, I partied with a bunch of girls, had some drinks, shopped, and giggled a lot with girlfriends. For a whole week and a half I felt like I had no responsibilities, except to execute a perfect beach wedding on my last day there. The wedding was beautiful, the bride was gorgeous, the groom was so handsome, and they were legally bound in a beautiful ceremony nearly identical to the one Hubby and I took part in almost a year ago. That last part, of course, made me miss Hubby terribly so it was a good thing I went home the next day.

Big things are happening. Big, scary things that make me a real adult. Things like getting a job. I have a career now; I'll be teaching 9th grade English beginning in August. I'm really happy and so excited, but also scared shitless. It's one thing to student teach, but it's something very different to be in charge, without having anyone else you can call and say, "Hey! I'm not sure what I'm doing right now, can you step in for me?" Luckily, it's at the school where I student taught so I have my mentor there, and I already know all of the other teachers in the department. I'm just scared. I hope it doesn't show on the first day of school.

I have so much more to say, I've discovered new things, but that will have to be left for another time.