As the geese flew
south, a feather
became loose and began
to fall.
The wind cradled
and rocked it, and laid
it down gently
on the lake's surface.
Painfully aware
that if the tension gave way,
the water would swallow
it whole.
8.28.2006
8.20.2006
I always have to dig up the skeletons.
Last night Hubby and I had a great dinner over at his parents' house. I guess I better get used to that since it looks like my folks are moving to New Mexico in the next few months. I will officially have no family where I live (unless you include my seriously fucked up and crazy aunt, uncle, and cousin) I hope they move back home though. I get the feeling they just might once my folks go. Ahhh tangents... The dinner was great, I brought a chocolate pie and home-made whipped cream and they both went over well. My nephew was so adorable! He scarfed down one piece and came in and asked so sweetly for another, I couldn't turn him down.
After dinner Hubby was looking for some weights in a closet of his old room and he came across a lot of other fun stuff from his youth. Of course, bad things are always lurking in closets (like skeletons), and last night was no difference. He ended up bringing home a huge box full of notes from high school. It made me feel a little weird that he didn't just throw them away. As I said, "I know there have got to be plenty of pictures and notes from old girlfriends, and they're in the past. I'm the only person who matters now so why don't you just throw them away?" He replied that he thought these would be funny to look at and then he would throw them away.
I went to bed at 1, he was still up. I woke up at 5 and he was still up in the office reading all of the notes. I didn't like it, I felt odd, I was angry and I considered locking our bedroom door. He finally came to bed at 6. I still don't quite know how to feel about it. I just felt like he was reminiscing about all of these past girls, instead of sleeping next to his wife. A long time ago I had letters and notes from past boyfriends, but I got rid of them because they didn't mean anything to me. I know when I got rid of them, I just threw them out, didn't even look at them, because they didn't mean anything to me. I wish Hubby could have done the same. All night I felt like all of his past lovers were haunting my house.
I did the bad thing and opened the trash bags full of letters and took a look. In 8th and 9th grade he dated a girl for a year and once apparently she got pregnant (8th) but I guess she lost it or something, I'm not sure. In 9th, they thought they were having a baby again, had names picked out and everything, but she ended up not pregnant. I know it's his past, but it's odd. He's never said anything to me about it. I guess what makes it even wierder is that we ran into her on our very first date. She ran up to him and gave him a huge hug, but I didn't think much of it. He told me that she was just some girl that he dated for a short time a long time ago, but apparently that wasn't exactly the case. To this day he maintains that story, and it just seems weird to me. I also think it's a bit odd that he saved all of those letters from that relationship, but he has none from the really big one he was in for the last 2 years of high school, and one after. It almost makes me think that he never quite got over the one where he got the girl pregnant. It just for some reason taints something a little for me.
I wish that I hadn't looked in the bags, but I did, and I can't undo it now.
After dinner Hubby was looking for some weights in a closet of his old room and he came across a lot of other fun stuff from his youth. Of course, bad things are always lurking in closets (like skeletons), and last night was no difference. He ended up bringing home a huge box full of notes from high school. It made me feel a little weird that he didn't just throw them away. As I said, "I know there have got to be plenty of pictures and notes from old girlfriends, and they're in the past. I'm the only person who matters now so why don't you just throw them away?" He replied that he thought these would be funny to look at and then he would throw them away.
I went to bed at 1, he was still up. I woke up at 5 and he was still up in the office reading all of the notes. I didn't like it, I felt odd, I was angry and I considered locking our bedroom door. He finally came to bed at 6. I still don't quite know how to feel about it. I just felt like he was reminiscing about all of these past girls, instead of sleeping next to his wife. A long time ago I had letters and notes from past boyfriends, but I got rid of them because they didn't mean anything to me. I know when I got rid of them, I just threw them out, didn't even look at them, because they didn't mean anything to me. I wish Hubby could have done the same. All night I felt like all of his past lovers were haunting my house.
I did the bad thing and opened the trash bags full of letters and took a look. In 8th and 9th grade he dated a girl for a year and once apparently she got pregnant (8th) but I guess she lost it or something, I'm not sure. In 9th, they thought they were having a baby again, had names picked out and everything, but she ended up not pregnant. I know it's his past, but it's odd. He's never said anything to me about it. I guess what makes it even wierder is that we ran into her on our very first date. She ran up to him and gave him a huge hug, but I didn't think much of it. He told me that she was just some girl that he dated for a short time a long time ago, but apparently that wasn't exactly the case. To this day he maintains that story, and it just seems weird to me. I also think it's a bit odd that he saved all of those letters from that relationship, but he has none from the really big one he was in for the last 2 years of high school, and one after. It almost makes me think that he never quite got over the one where he got the girl pregnant. It just for some reason taints something a little for me.
I wish that I hadn't looked in the bags, but I did, and I can't undo it now.
8.11.2006
Let the Sun Shine!
I'm working, and it's good! I'm working my ass off; going in way too early and staying too late, spending my weekends and evenings planning, and grading, and researching. I'm young, optimistic, idealistic, and full of energy, so it works for me right now. I can't tell you how I'll feel about working so hard come October, but right now I'm feeling good knowing that all of the work I'm doing is to give these kids an awesome education.
Today was a trying day. It seemed that in one way or another each of my classes managed to disappoint me. I ended up having to send a couple of my 7th period kids to the assistant principal, but they've got to learn that while I have a sense of humor and we can have fun in class, they also need to give me their attention and respect when I ask for it. The good sign though, is that even after a very trying day I still left with a smile on my face and hope in my heart. I have a ton of journals to grade this weekend, and I know it's going to be a huge chore, but so be it.
Other than the trying day, life is amazingly going so smoothly. The new medication seems to be working wonders for me. I didn't have a single anxiety attack leading up to my first day of work, and I haven't had one yet. This is probably the longest stretch of my life that I've gone without one, and it really is amazing to feel so good all the time. It makes me a little sad though to think that this is what I was missing out on for 23 years. I also haven't had a crying spell since I began taking this medicine. Things with Hubby and I are great too! I finally stopped snooping into his things and I make the daily decision to trust him. Some days are harder than others, but everyday I somehow find the strength to make that decision, and everyday I feel so proud. I make sure to to a moment each day to reflect on how truly lucky I am.
I've never really been a religious person, but as my life gets better, I find myself feeling more and more spiritual (I'll never be religious). When I think about it, I guess this is the right way to go about that if I'm going to. It doesn't feel false in any way, or like I'm using it as a crutch. I am not in a horrible place in my life where I need something positive to latch onto. I am in a great place in my life, and I'm feeling grateful, and feeling so much strong positive energy, I just feel like I should be thanking some beautiful cosmic source, and so I shall.
Today was a trying day. It seemed that in one way or another each of my classes managed to disappoint me. I ended up having to send a couple of my 7th period kids to the assistant principal, but they've got to learn that while I have a sense of humor and we can have fun in class, they also need to give me their attention and respect when I ask for it. The good sign though, is that even after a very trying day I still left with a smile on my face and hope in my heart. I have a ton of journals to grade this weekend, and I know it's going to be a huge chore, but so be it.
Other than the trying day, life is amazingly going so smoothly. The new medication seems to be working wonders for me. I didn't have a single anxiety attack leading up to my first day of work, and I haven't had one yet. This is probably the longest stretch of my life that I've gone without one, and it really is amazing to feel so good all the time. It makes me a little sad though to think that this is what I was missing out on for 23 years. I also haven't had a crying spell since I began taking this medicine. Things with Hubby and I are great too! I finally stopped snooping into his things and I make the daily decision to trust him. Some days are harder than others, but everyday I somehow find the strength to make that decision, and everyday I feel so proud. I make sure to to a moment each day to reflect on how truly lucky I am.
I've never really been a religious person, but as my life gets better, I find myself feeling more and more spiritual (I'll never be religious). When I think about it, I guess this is the right way to go about that if I'm going to. It doesn't feel false in any way, or like I'm using it as a crutch. I am not in a horrible place in my life where I need something positive to latch onto. I am in a great place in my life, and I'm feeling grateful, and feeling so much strong positive energy, I just feel like I should be thanking some beautiful cosmic source, and so I shall.
8.02.2006
I really AM a teacher!
This is it! Tomorrw the kids come back to school. I can't believe I'm really doing this! I'm so scared, but exctied at the same time. Luky me, classes are only 38 minutes long tomorrow. It will be a nice way to ease into things. Really, I'm going to be a teacher from now until I'm 48, wow!
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