Holiday Wrap Up

Christmas was good. Hubby, Dad, and I went over to the in-laws for some Christmas breakfast and present opening. Our 10 year old nephew has never gotten exceptionally excited when he opens presents, and this year was no exception. I think dad was a little shocked by that. We could all tell that our darling nephew did indeed enjoy his presents, though.

I got a stocking full of Godiva goodies, a million gift certificates, a blue iPod!, accessories for said iPod, and lots of other small fun stuff. The best part was watching Hubby and Dad open the presents I bought for them. I try to put a lot of thought into thegifts I buy so I'm always terribly excited to see people open their gifts.

We spent most of the afternoon at the in-laws, but then headed back to the Jane & Hubby house. I commenced the preparation of the traditional Christmas Enchiladas. They were delicious as always. We watched the best of Alec Balwin on SNL as we ate, and enjoyed each others' company and some hearty laughs.

This Christmas was pretty perfect for the Christmas that it was. I wasn't expecting anything great with most of my family spread out across the country. I enjoyed the strange, but happy time we had.

Now I'm off the brave the post-holiday shopping crowd and spend all those gift certificates. Hubby is urging me to buy some new clothes. For some reason he thinks there is something wrong with wearing clothes that have been saftey-pinned back together (on the inside). I guess he's right. I'm just hoping most people have gone to work by now, and I can enjoy a mall filled only with teenagers and teachers who are out of school, and old people. We'll see!

The Smells of the Season

One of my faorite things about the holiday season is that I finally have time to bake all of the goodies I want, and I actually have tons of people who will eat them. Yesterday I cooked up 2 giant batches of my grandma's famous toffee. She passed away several years ago, and for the longest we didn't have our annual batch of toffee. Lukily a few years ago my aunt's mother remembered that Grandma had given her the recipe, so holiday order has been restored.

This morning I got up and baked 4 dozen cookies to go along with the toffee, and I'm about to make a lovely batch of spinach & artichoke dip. I can't wait to serve it up to everyone at my in-laws' house tonight. Yipee!

Magnetic Haikus

I've been out of town visiting my sis, and celebrating my birthday. Both were great. As an x-mas present from my buddy Penny I got a magnetic haiku kit. This could not be more appropriate. I've made a few and thought I'd share.

Haiku Time 2!

I've been grading haikus for hours, and have finally been pushed to the edge of insanity. Here is my haiku for today. Enjoy!

Don’t mess with Mrs.
Jane Doe. She’s kind of crazy.
Unstable teacher.

Haiku Time

The clouds float by me.
They speak to me of lost dreams.
Can I make them stay?

Beautiful Models

I snapped at Hubby tonight. I probably shouldn't have but I did. I probably shouldn't have watched the end of the victorious Secret fashion show with him either, but I did. (Which is what spurred me to snap at him.)

He probably shouldn't have come from work at 9:30 PM, but he did. In addition to his unreasonably late night, we watched the above mentioned fashion show. As we were watching he pointed out his favorite model and said she had a beautiful face. The frustration set it when I heard that because I can't remember the last time he used to word beautiful to describe me, but he can use it to describe a super model of course.

He's been working out, and I've been gaining weight. I worked out today and all he said was, "good." That all in conjunction tonight hasn't made me feel very good about myself. And so I snapped when he tried to undo my bra in the middle of the kitchen, when he tried to tickle my crotch (don't ask, it sooo annoying), when he tried to tickle my knee. Yes all of these things are insanely annoying, and honestly I didn't want him to touch me. Bleh!

Victory is Mine!

I got up at 5:30 this mornign to hit up the Best buy holiday sale. I ended up standing in line in 32 degree weather for 20 minutes just to get into the store. When I got in I battled the crowds to get christmas presents. I emerged victorious with the spoils of war. My brother in law will now have a brand new Cannon digital camera, a picture printer, a 2 GB memory card, and picture paper and an extra cartridge for his printer. He doesn't own a computer, but he'll still be able to use his digital camera and print out pictures. I got my mother in law a DVD recorder so she can transfer her home movies onto DVDs. I bought Hubby a kit so that he can play his iPod in the car. I got myself a recargeable 8 hour battery for my new portable DVD player. It was insanity, but I guess it was worth it because x-mas is pretty much taken care of. I didn't even spend that much money, and that was the whole point of being that at the butt-crack of dawn.

You bet I came home and went back to sleep for a few hours.

Bubbling

I love to cook, so the past few days have been heavenly for me. Yesterday I cooked up 2 chocolate mousse pies. Today I whipped up a big batch of whipped cream to top the pies with and currently the creamiest mashed potatoes on Earth pr bubbling away on the stovetop. At least I've still got one of the joys of the holiday season.

Then There Were Two

Packing up my parents' house is an odd experience. As Brent and I packed up the photo collages from my childhood I couldn't help but look at all of the pictures and get misty eyed. I wouldn't exactly call my childhood perfect, but looking at those pictures it made me so sad to know that my family is now scattered to the wind. Mom and dad in New Mexico, sister in Colorado, Grandmother in California, and me here in the south. My entire family used to live within a 60 mile radius of one another in California. I don't know what the rest of my life holds, but I'm worried that the rest of it won't include the closeness with my family that it has up until this point. It's so hard to part ways.

It's so hard to pack up the house; so hard to look at the spot in the kitchen where Hubby proposed to me; hard to go into the room where my mother helped me put on my wedding dress. Hard to turn the page on a chapter of my life. I'm excited, but scared to live on my own, just Hubby and I. I'm excited to see what kind of family Hubby and I build together, just the two of us here floating along in our life. We've already decided on our own little Christmas, just the two of us.

Just the two of us.

Not Her Favorite Human

The puppy needed a bath. I can’t afford to send her to the groomer so I did it myself this morning. She looks adorable but I have now earned the title, “Not Her Favorite Human.” Hopefully after I’m done running my errands for the day she’ll have forgotten all about it and snuggle up on the couch with me. She really does look simply gorgeous! P.S. The bed my mom bought her says it all.

The Swinging of the Scales

I'm so disappointed I don't even really know what to say. One of my students had been out for a few days last week. I figured he was suspended, because he's suspended a lot, but when he didn't come back after the fourth day I got worried. I asked his classmates if they had heard from him. That's when one of them told me he was in jail for committing a hate crime. I'm baffled. He wasn't the best of my kids, he'd said some rude a lewd things to me while my back was turned (which he couldn't be punished for since I didn't see him say them), but this is of a totally different caliber. I honestly didn't think any of my kids were capable of something like this.

Word around school is that he'll be in jail for at least 10 months. I'm just baffled. My view of my kids has been changed. No, I don't think they're all a bunch of awful hooligans and thugs, but I guess I should understand that they're not all angels. I guess I was a little naive. I get frustrated because I couldn't get through to him. He seemed to be making a honest effort to do better in my class. I thought I had inspired him to achieve, apparently not.

I still have my student T though. He is such a wonderful kid. The other teachers might have agreed to send him to alternative school, but I cried when they told me they were sending him away. I'm the one teacher who has always said positive things to him. Even when I caught him cheating on a test, I just told him I was disappointed and knew he was better than that, instead of telling him he was a bad person. Now every morning before he gets on the bus to go to alternative school he comes by my room to say good morning and tell me how much he misses me and my class. We are both counting down the days until he can come back. I honestly think I'm making a huge impact on his life. And I guess that makes up for the bad news.

I Can Do Better

I can't sleep. I was just laying there in bed tossing and turning and thinking about my effectiveness as a teacher. I keep wondering if I'm good enough at what I do. Am I impacting their lives? Am I teaching them something new everyday? Am I getting through to them, or am I just setting them up for failure? Am I doing enough?

I don't feel like I'm using enough innovative and fresh strategies in my classroom. I don't feel like I'm stimulating their minds enough. I feel like I have so much to work on before I can be considered a good teacher. I get so frustrated because I have all these doubts and concerns, but when I approached my district about attending the NCTE conference in Nashville, TN they said there wasn't enough money. Here I am wanting to better myself as an educator and my district is saying "no."

I never knew I would learn so much during just my first semester, but I have. A few changes I'm going to make after the winter holidays:

-New seating arrangements.
-Give more feedback in a timely manner.
-Plan, plan, plan!
-Plan some more. I want a whole map of the final semester written down.
-Start reading more journals for innovative ideas.
-Organize my space. (A cluttered work area is a cluttered mind)
-Give my room a fresh new look.

There are more things I'd like to do, but I just can't think of them right now. I've got 2 1/2 weeks of real teaching time left in this semester. Somehow I'm going to try to make the most of it.

Picture Perfect

Fall is such a beautiful time in my backyard. Enjoy.

Sweet Corn Soup

I'm out again for tomorrow. Still feeling really low. I called the principal on the verge of tears and apologized profusely. He kept reassuring me that all he wants is for me to feel better. That's all I really want too.

Hubby should be arriving shortly with some organic creamy sweet corn soup for my dinner. I think that and saltines are about all my stomach can stomach for now. I had lots of plans for the weekend, but oh well. Getting better is the only plan now.

Too Soon

Apparently I went to work a little too early. I got up and braved the insanity yesterday. Around 5th period I started feeling a little funky. By the time the after-school faculty meeting rolled around I was officially not doing well. I had awful cramps in my upper back muscles, a killer headache, and nausea. I listened as the principal droned on then packed up things in my dark cool classroom and headed home. I laid on the couch and ate saltines and talked on the phone to my sister. I had no fever so I figured it was just being tired. This morning I was up at 4 wanting to die because I was so nauseous but couldn't throw up. I woke up at 5 to get ready and checked my temp. Continuously, still no fever, just the same crappy feeling from last night. Then I finally threw up, it felt awful, but good.

So, I'm home feeling like shit again. Now I have a fever, which makes me happy, because then I can rule out an unwanted miracle pregnancy. (Yes I take birth control religiously, it would have to be an act of a higher being). I'm just so tired of being sick. I'm freaked out that my boss isn't going to renew my contract next year. If I go to work tomorrow I'm going to sit down with him and talk to him about what has been going on. Please send speedy recovery thoughts my way. Being sick is no fun.

I'm a sick Dharma!!

There is a myth that all first year teachers stay sick constantly because they aren't immune to all of the gunk their students carry. Apparently I am living proof of the myth. I finally broke down and went to the doctor today. My "cold" had lasted a week and a few days. I've been waking up with terrible headaches that won't go away, and yesterday and today I kept running a fever. Turns out I'm in the last stages of fighting the flu. My temp at the Dr.'s office was 100, which is pretty high for someone who's normal body temp. is between 96-97 degrees. I am resting at home and sleeping a lot until Wednesday. I'm scared that my boss is going to get angry with me and not renew my contract next year. Cross your fingers for me.

In happier news, I received the best compliment on Friday. My male co-worker told me that I have always reminded him of Jenna Elfman's character "Dharma" from the show "Dharma and Greg." He made sure to stress that it wasn't just because I looked like her, but that I definitely acted like her. I told Penny about it and she agreed wholeheartedly. You can't imagine how happy this makes me. I have always loved that character because I always hoped I could be that happy, carefree, kind and down-right hippie-ish! Apparently others think I am, which is wonderful, but also explains why I often feel out of place in my new home in the south.

Caffeine = Laughter

I had a very busy weekend. Friday I baked a sugar free cake from scratch for Sunny's surprise birthday party, then I went to a basketball game with my dad. We had the most amazing time. We didn't even watch the game, just drank beer, ate and talked about life; our dreams, our goals, our fears, the things that make us happy. We talked about how much we both miss my mom and how glad we are that she'll be here for a visit next week. It was a really great night. It made me so happy, but so sad at the same time because I know I only have a limited time to have these times with my dad before he moves to NM with mom. I'm going to miss them so badly. The three of us became so close these past 5 years. Living in a new state together and starting over together, just the 3 of us, created this amazing bond that can never be broken.

Yesterday I got my nails done, bought Sunny's b-day gift, made the frosting and decorated the cake, then drove the hour and a half to the party. I felt pretty out of place with all of her family, especially since Hubby didn't accompany me (he's sick).

Today Penny and I met up at Starbucks and talked for about an hour and a half, most of the time laughing hysterically. Then we went to Wal-mart together and continued laughing until our sides hurt. After I got home I did a bunch of grading and watched football with Hubby. I'm so tired and ready for bed, but definitely not ready to get up at 5 AM and go to work tomorrow. To stay motivated I'm keeping the fact that in 2 weeks I have the whole week of Thanksgiving off in the front of my mind. Time for bed and some surely insane dreams.

Unrequited Friendship

Hubby is at a business networking dinner thing that I'm not allowed to accompany him to. I can't wait until he gets home. He bought a new suit for the occasion and he looks amazing. I got home and just wanted to rip it off of him.

He and I had a really good, open and honest talk last night. I think we're continuing to take steps in the right direction. I talked a lot to my friend Penny from work (who is going through a divorce) about things. It's interesting to get a perspective from someone who's marriage has failed. She and I are getting closer, as Sunny and I seem to be drifting apart.

Sunny's got a new friend in her town who is pregnant, who I imagine is more fun and interesting to her since Hubby and I are enjoying living a frivolous child-free life, and Sunny and her husband are trying to have a baby. I imagine once she gets pregnant and has the baby we will continue to drift further. There are people who can maintain adult relationships and be parents, and there are those who can't. I get the feeling she will be one of those who can't. I may be wrong, but I'm just not sure how to read her anymore.

I don't know how I do it, but somehow I end up making friends with people who only want to be my friend for a little while, which blows considering my husband and my friends are all I have left now with my family no longer living here. If you don't want to hear my bitching, close the window now. I think maybe I'm too good of a friend. I am available and there for my friends when they need me. When they call at midnight, I answer the phone to listen to them cry to me, but never seem to get the same treatment from others. Maybe I'm just a rare and dying breed, maybe people today just don't understand that friendship has to be a 2 way road. Either way, maybe someday I'll meet a friend who will happily be there for me as much as I am for them.

Alone

I'm having a lonesome day. I'm just really down, which may have something to do with the fact that I haven't taken my medication in a week (I keep forgetting to have it refilled). I texted Sunny to see what she was doing today, and she's out shopping with her mom and grandma, which made me want to cry. I'm lonely and need a friend to be around and my one really close friend here is out with her mother. Must be nice. It made me really miss my mom. So I called her to talk and take some of the ache away and she's not home. She's been gone for a month. It sucks. She was always the friend that I could count on when no one else was around. She was always up for lunch or a quick trip out anywhere. I'm down, and its not fun. I just want to smile & laugh.

Reaching Out

I have a co-worker with whom I have cultivated a budding friendship. She is fun and open-minded, and we make each other laugh about the stressful things that come with being a teacher. Right now she's going through a very rough patch in her life. She is in the process of a divorce, and a new relationship she had started has ended. She called me in tears last night, and I listened because I knew there was nothing else I could do for her. She's hit the bottom; she doesn't care what happens to her. This is hard because I know exactly where she is. We may have gone through different situations, but I know the feeling she has right now and I know there is nothing anyone could say or do.

She is taking positive steps towards recovery. She has made an appointment to see a counselor today. She needed to do this not only for herself, but for her two beautiful daughters. I remember my childhood, and the times when mommy was locked in her room crying for hours and my sister and I were left wondering what was wrong with her. Her daughters don't have to go through that, and I'm glad. I just wish there was more that I could do for her. I think she is reluctant to lean on me for support because we are such new friends. In fact, she said pretty much those exact words last night. I reminded her that although we are new friends, I am not new to being a friend.

It's so hard to listen and watch as she goes through this. I just want to make it all better. She's a wonderful person, and she deserves happiness. I know she'll find it, it just may take some time. I hope she allows me to help her in her journey, and I just wish there was more that I could do for her right now.