The Big Questions

So, when do you do it? When do you say to your boyfriend; "If you don't want to have a child, I can't marry you." When do you tell him, "You said yourself that your reluctance to get married & have a family is because of your own childhood. You need to see a counselor." I'm trying to figure out when I'm going to have this huge talk with J. He is away right now visiting with his very sick father. I don't want to bombard him with these big things right away, but I'm feeling a little scared.

Just a few weeks ago I asked him, "Do you intend to marry me?" and his answer was yes, but that just led to more questions running around in my mind. When? Will you change your mind about a kid? Are you ever going to deal with your childhood? Can I deal if any of these answers aren't what I want?

My sister is worried that I'll just marry J and hope for the best, a la Ex Hubby, and be stuck right where I started. She says she wants me to be happy & knows I won't be happy if I don't have a child. I know she's right. But I swear, if things don't work out with J, I'm just not really sure I have it in me to put my heart out there again, just to be smashed to smithereens. I did it once, it's possible that it could happen again, and if it does, then part of me just wants to say FUCK IT! This ain't worth it! Beacuse, really, when do you stop putting yourself in a position to be harmed. When does a sane person say, "enough is enough"?

But I guess I should first ask the big questions, but when?