Catharsis

Ugly Places

There are ugly places inside of me.
Places where I keep all of my darkness.
Places where I go and torture myself
as I relive the pain
that I can’t let go of.

It is 20 years old, but it stays there
the hurt from the times
you called me stupid over, and over.
The times you wouldn’t let me
play with you.
The times you excluded me.
The times you made me cry alone.

It is 16 years old, but it stays there,
the sadness from when you,
my grade school crush, betrayed me.
When you promised not to tell
but you did,
and everyone knew I cheated.
The time you locked me in the trashcan
on “student of the week” pizza party day
after pretending you were my friend.

It is 13 years old, but it stays there
The anger over the time I
wrote you a note
that said I thought you were cute
and you laughed, and showed it to your friends.
Then you all took it to the bathroom,
you dropped it in the toilet,
you pissed on it, then ran to the playground
to tell everyone all about it.

It is 12 years old, but it stays there
the feeling of worthlessness when you,
my best friend, told me not to be so weird.
When you told me to stop being me.
When you told me I talked too much.
When you told me no one really liked me,
they only tolerated me since I was your friend.

It is 10 years old, but it stays there
the embarrassment from the time you,
my friends, teased me about the hair on my legs,
and the fact that I was the only girl in 7th grade
without her period or breasts.
When I hid beneath my desk in science class
and cried while you all laughed.

It is 7 years old, but it stays there
the feeling of betrayal when you,
my father admitted
that I “wasn’t exactly the belle of the ball”
when I was younger.
I thought daddies were always
supposed to think they’re little girls
are beautiful.

It is only 5 years old, and it stays there
the feelings of self-doubt
that stem from my need to be hospitalized
the time I went crazy, and broke down

It is so fresh, the pain, the guilt,
the horrible insecurity
I felt as I slept with every boy who wanted me
just to try to make it go away;
all the other pain that has stayed with me.

It is still there;
The hurt, the sadness, the anger,
the worthlessness, the embarrassment,
the betrayal, the self-doubt, the pain,
the guilt, and the horrible insecurity.

I visit it sometimes,
and it makes me want to scream.
I can’t let it go,
I can’t get rid of it,
it seeps into my life,
and makes me cry.

I’m letting it ruin my life.