I Hear Ticking

My heart has been aching recently with a knowledge I don't think I was ready for. I guess it is not a bad thing, just something that has come at a very odd time in my life. I have realized that I want children. The way I love Penny's children amazes me. My heart swells and my world lights up when I see those two beautiful faces smiling. Several of my friends are having children and deep iniside of me something cries out with the desire for that. Funny though, that this would happen after I get divorced and see no man to have these babies with in my future. I guess in a way it makes sense. My heart and my mother-instincts knew not to desire children with Ex Hubby; knew it would be disaster, heartbreak, sadness that would last all of our lives if we had made that permanent bond between us.

I know I don't need or want a child right now, but someday after I've gotten all of the "living for me" out of the way I'd like to live for a tiny, beautiful little person. I'm hoping when the day comes that I am ready for that, there will be someone there who is willing to make it happen. For now I'll just enjoy Penny's girls & the knowledge that both my sister & best friend will be having babies soon.

Money, money, money, money!

As a teacher in an extremely poor rural area, I make barely any money. In fact, I do not make enough money to pay the bills I have. If you include the alimony payments that I receive from Ex Hubby every month, I still do not make enough money to cover all neccesary expenses. This is a very, very sad thing. Recently I have gotten ridiculously behind on my bills. Almost every bill I had was one month past due. This had me freaking out, crying, the whole bit. I had nothing left to do but call mom and dad, and of course, they came to the rescue.

I have no idea what I would do without them. Today I balanced my checkbook and paid all of my bills. It feels so good to know that as of right now I am caught up on every bill that I owe. I am not behind on anything. I paid my cable, electric, phone, credit card, & car bills. Next week I will get paid & be able to pay my rent. It is such a relief to know that I will not be behind on bills again unless I spend frivolously and put myself in that hole.I cannot afford the services of my phsychologict & psychaiatrist, so instead of stopping treatment my parents have generously offered to pay those bills for me until I can get back on my feet.

Getting back on my feet means that I will have to find some sort of part-time job. I really hate the fact that I am a degree-holding professional who works waaaay more than 40 hours a week, and still don't make enough money to live on. It just doesn't seem fair that someone who has one of the most important jobs in the country im't paid enough to pay all of her bills.