Where am I headed??

So, I was reading another blog by someone in the education field who also will not be returning next year, and it got me to thinking, so I want to write.

I am feeling majorly guilty about leaving the teaching profession. It seems that society as a whole hails educators as these amazing people who sacrafice and put up with so much for so little. (Who needs better pay when, daily, people tell you how important your job is?) So, it makes me feel like a total asshole to say, "I can't take it. It's not worth the intrinsic rewards." For me, it would be worth the intrinsic rewards if there were more, I guess.

I keep feeling that maybe the lack of student achievement is my fault. Maybe I'm not dedicated enough. Maybe my frustration is showing in the classroom, but then I had my post-evaluation meeting. My principal cried and said he wishes there were some way I could stay. He told me he hoped I wouldn't leave the education field because I have a gift. Geeeez no guilt trip there. A lot of people have been telling me maybe I should just consider a new school, but with where I live I'm going to be facing the same kinds of kids, no matter where I go. And it all really boils down to the fact that I can't pay my bills, on top of being unhappy.

I will concede, though, teaching "Romeo and Juliet" right now has been one of the highlights of my year. I love watching the kids get into it and start yelling at the characters as if they were watching a movie. I apparently have a knack for story-telling (I orally translate each passage after reading)

But I digress, I am just kind of wandering right now with no clue what to do. I still have had no luck in the job hunt and the year is almost over. Luckily we are on a 12 month pay schedule so I have until the end of August to start freaking out about how I am going to pay bills.

P.S. Not so sure about grad school anymore. I realized it was more a decision to make my Ph.D. holiding mother happy. More on that later.

I Hear Ticking

My heart has been aching recently with a knowledge I don't think I was ready for. I guess it is not a bad thing, just something that has come at a very odd time in my life. I have realized that I want children. The way I love Penny's children amazes me. My heart swells and my world lights up when I see those two beautiful faces smiling. Several of my friends are having children and deep iniside of me something cries out with the desire for that. Funny though, that this would happen after I get divorced and see no man to have these babies with in my future. I guess in a way it makes sense. My heart and my mother-instincts knew not to desire children with Ex Hubby; knew it would be disaster, heartbreak, sadness that would last all of our lives if we had made that permanent bond between us.

I know I don't need or want a child right now, but someday after I've gotten all of the "living for me" out of the way I'd like to live for a tiny, beautiful little person. I'm hoping when the day comes that I am ready for that, there will be someone there who is willing to make it happen. For now I'll just enjoy Penny's girls & the knowledge that both my sister & best friend will be having babies soon.