Where am I headed??

So, I was reading another blog by someone in the education field who also will not be returning next year, and it got me to thinking, so I want to write.

I am feeling majorly guilty about leaving the teaching profession. It seems that society as a whole hails educators as these amazing people who sacrafice and put up with so much for so little. (Who needs better pay when, daily, people tell you how important your job is?) So, it makes me feel like a total asshole to say, "I can't take it. It's not worth the intrinsic rewards." For me, it would be worth the intrinsic rewards if there were more, I guess.

I keep feeling that maybe the lack of student achievement is my fault. Maybe I'm not dedicated enough. Maybe my frustration is showing in the classroom, but then I had my post-evaluation meeting. My principal cried and said he wishes there were some way I could stay. He told me he hoped I wouldn't leave the education field because I have a gift. Geeeez no guilt trip there. A lot of people have been telling me maybe I should just consider a new school, but with where I live I'm going to be facing the same kinds of kids, no matter where I go. And it all really boils down to the fact that I can't pay my bills, on top of being unhappy.

I will concede, though, teaching "Romeo and Juliet" right now has been one of the highlights of my year. I love watching the kids get into it and start yelling at the characters as if they were watching a movie. I apparently have a knack for story-telling (I orally translate each passage after reading)

But I digress, I am just kind of wandering right now with no clue what to do. I still have had no luck in the job hunt and the year is almost over. Luckily we are on a 12 month pay schedule so I have until the end of August to start freaking out about how I am going to pay bills.

P.S. Not so sure about grad school anymore. I realized it was more a decision to make my Ph.D. holiding mother happy. More on that later.

Not Suck(ing it in anymore)

I have a strange knack for being super skinny everywhere but my midsection, which likes to store all the extra fat on my body. So to combat that, I've been working out lately.

To my happy surprise I weighed myself this morning and came in at a beautiful 119 instead of my usual 125! I've lost 6 pounds, and it's noticeable. J says the belly has gotten smaller, and I totally agree. Hooray for me!

Suck

The new job search kind of blows. I've decided on a job in "corporate america" and I thought I had a damn good job all lined up and ready to go, and then it disappeared. I'm trying for a few others, but I am suddenly not very optimistic. I know as the wise people say, things happen and fall into place all for certain reasons, but I don't want to be at the hands of the gods. I am doing my part to work for it, so is J, why can't the universe reciprocate? Does the universe not know that this corporate job is just a stepping stone to build up money so I can study massage therapy? I have bigger goals and ambitions, but right now I'll settle for being an administrative assistant or meeting coordinator making a decent $40 to $45K a year.

please?

Big Giant Huge Deal

So, the other night J and I were laying in bed talking (where we do all of our serious talking) and broached the topic of the "official move-in," and it is official: I'll be moving into J's place at the end of February. We have been living together on a trial basis for the last 2 months, with me still paying rent for my apartment, but not living there at all. I honestly can't remember the last time I slept in that bed. I have just been blissfully happy about the whole move-in thing, and I still am, but this morning it really hit me.

I.am.moving.in.with.him!

This is a Big Giant Huge Deal. A gal doesn't just go around moving in with any guy she dates. This is real, this is it. I've never moved in with anyone in this way before. When ex hubby and I moved in together we were already engaged and it was kind of a no big deal thing. With J, this is a huge show of commitment. This is the kind of thing where if we break up it's not just ok, I guess I won't be seeing him anymore but rather ok, now I have to pack all my things, find a place to live and move again. The amazing thing is that this idea doesn't scare me in the least. I am actually just so happy and amazed that J wants to commit to me in this way. He's never before lived with a woman, so I feel amazingly special.

I am betting a few years after this will come the next natural step, which will be to get married. J already said that for him, moving in together is a sort of pre-engagement. That makes me happy to hear, because although I've been through one failed marriage, I know what it takes now for a good one, and I know J and I would be great.

Just like that . . .

So, after less than 2 years in the classroom I am utterly burnt out on teaching. I hate that I feel this way. I wish I could be the idealistic and optimistic girl who started this 2 years ago, but I'm not. I'm tired. I hate waking up every day at 5 to get to a school where I have no resources and no help. Where the kids are so apathetic that out of 6 classes I get 4 completed homework assignments. Where I get paid so little that I am 3 months behind on my car payment and can't make rent, all the while working 50 to 60 hour weeks. I am tired of feeling like I am steadily bashing my head against a brick wall for nothing. I hate to abandon these kids, I know they desperately need positive influences in their lives, but I can't seem to rise above the anger, resentment, and apathy that they express on a daily basis. I am finding it increasingly impossible to put forth effort when no effort is returned, and so I am done.

I put in an application yesterday for the education and training department of a big corporation here in town. My father has worked for this company for 10 years, J has worked there for 3. Both of the guys seem to really like working there. J knows the people in charge of hiring (connections can make or break you) and it looks like I have a really good chance of getting this job. I am so excited. I will still be using my education expertise, just in a new and really fun way. I'll be making at least $10,000 more a year.

If the government is wondering why our education system is failing, they need look no further than right here. I am an extremely bright woman, I graduated at the top of my class in Education. I went into teaching for all the right reasons and I truly thought I could make a difference. I quickly learned that with the resources available to me it is practically impossible. I am leaving the teaching profession because there is no support for education. I am leaving the teaching profession because I work insane hours and then stay up at night worrying how I'm going to pay my rent next. If the U.S. wants a workforce that is competitive in the global marketplace, they've got to improve education, and you can't improve education without qualified teachers and resources. Next month they'll be losing one more qualified educator.