Where am I headed??

So, I was reading another blog by someone in the education field who also will not be returning next year, and it got me to thinking, so I want to write.

I am feeling majorly guilty about leaving the teaching profession. It seems that society as a whole hails educators as these amazing people who sacrafice and put up with so much for so little. (Who needs better pay when, daily, people tell you how important your job is?) So, it makes me feel like a total asshole to say, "I can't take it. It's not worth the intrinsic rewards." For me, it would be worth the intrinsic rewards if there were more, I guess.

I keep feeling that maybe the lack of student achievement is my fault. Maybe I'm not dedicated enough. Maybe my frustration is showing in the classroom, but then I had my post-evaluation meeting. My principal cried and said he wishes there were some way I could stay. He told me he hoped I wouldn't leave the education field because I have a gift. Geeeez no guilt trip there. A lot of people have been telling me maybe I should just consider a new school, but with where I live I'm going to be facing the same kinds of kids, no matter where I go. And it all really boils down to the fact that I can't pay my bills, on top of being unhappy.

I will concede, though, teaching "Romeo and Juliet" right now has been one of the highlights of my year. I love watching the kids get into it and start yelling at the characters as if they were watching a movie. I apparently have a knack for story-telling (I orally translate each passage after reading)

But I digress, I am just kind of wandering right now with no clue what to do. I still have had no luck in the job hunt and the year is almost over. Luckily we are on a 12 month pay schedule so I have until the end of August to start freaking out about how I am going to pay bills.

P.S. Not so sure about grad school anymore. I realized it was more a decision to make my Ph.D. holiding mother happy. More on that later.

I dreamt

She dropped from the sky, spinning, draped in rainbow colored robes.

i DO have confidence in this

When I daydream about spending time with my new love, I often imagine being on the beach in the warm sun and splashing in the waters. When I visualize my feelings Isee that I am underwater, but comfortable with it, not scared or drowning at all. I thought this reoccurence was interesting so I looked it up in a dream interpretaion, and this is what I found. It seems very interesting:

It is Mer or mother of consciousness. Life began in the sea, at the depths. Our blood is salt like the sea, and thus we have an inner sea. It represents universal mind or being, the collective unconscious, nature’s memory where all experience is stored. The infinite cosmic mind. The surface is conscious life, on which the ship, or idea of self, floats, but is really supported and surrounded by uncharted depths. To dive into it is to dive into self, to look beneath the surface of consciousness, to look back to the source of life, to enter the womb or soul, to reach limitless mind. The sea shore Is the point where all our elements meet. The sea holds either in its depths, or floating somewhere, vast treasures, all the things which men have ever made or thought of or done. Thus the sea can wash them ashore and bring them to our notice, or unveil them to us.

The sea is also universal substance, the stuff that dreams or thoughts or emotions are made of. Thus it symbolises an aspect of inner life, the substance of consciousness, that takes form as thought, emotion, revelation, depending upon which circumstances are shaping it, or whether it is the spirit or Inner urges that move it. So waves are impulses, waves of emotion or urges.

Water represents your feelings, a river the flow of our feelings and energies, and the sea the whole personality from outer surface to the depths of the unconscious, so swimming becomes an ability to cope with your inner feelings and energies. To swim easily is to have confidence in yourself, and a trust in life to support your activities and efforts. To be at home in the waters is to feel at ease with your sexual urges, ambitions, desires and instincts.

Work it out!

I started a new workout regimen yesterday. I figure if I'm going to spend 2 weeks on the beach in a bikini, I might as well look good doing it. I am by no means overweight, in fact, I'm underweight. Somehow my butt is saggy and my tummy is flabby. I guess it is from all the muscle I used to have there that went away. So now I'm working out again, targeting my abs and butt. I'm hoping to see some results in about 6 weeks. I took pictures of the target areas yesterday, and I'm going to take weekly pictures to see if there are any noticeable improvements. I feel good about this, it is a positive life change. I am trying to do anything that keeps me from just sitting at the house moping around about the fact that I am getting a divorce.

Dreams Can be Cruel

I had a dream last night that everything had gone back to normal. In my dream Hubby and I were happy. We hugged and kissed, he told me that he loved me. In my dream he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight for what seemed like an eternity. We made love then fell asleep in each other's arms. This morning I woke up thinking it was real. Then the truth hit me, and I cried.