Line in the Sand

My best friend is pregnant, my sister was & is trying again, my college buddy is having a kid too. This is where the line is drawn; the people who are married with kids, and those who aren't. I am in the latter category. I will now, surely, watch as those people drift further from me. I hate to say it, but somewhere inside of me I'm feeling like it should have been me.

The Confirmation Hurts

How am I supposed to deal with this? I was out at a ball game tonight when I ran into the Ex Hubby and the bitch he cheated on me with. As soon as she introduced herself to my friend as Lacey I just looked at Ex Hubby, flipped him off, told him to fuck himself & walked away. After which I proceeded to freak the fuck out. I can't believe it happened. I can't believe I got the truth I thought I would never get. I can't believe it still hurts this much after so long. There were so many things I wanted to say and do to both him and her, but I didn't.

I have to see him tomorrow to pick my dog up from him. I will no be going alone. Penny will go with me, because if I were alone there is no telling what I might say or do. I just can't fucking believe it. I feel sick & my heart is beating a million miles an hour. I just wish I had someone to talk to.

Time & Space Seperate (shannon)

It's funny how I look at her and wonder if you ever realized how much alike we are. I wonder if you looked at my face and saw her. I wonder if your slight disdain for me came from the fact that I am her, slightly watered down, but only watered down because you managed to break me. You could not break her. Funny how you did the same thing to us. You "let [us] go" because you knew it was best for us. You were right. I see her and I can only imagine the wonderful things I will be, if she is what women discarded by you turn out to be.

My Wave of Fury

My new emotion seems to be anger. I am so angry. So fucking angry! I just want to pour it out all over Ex Hubby's head. I want to wash him in my angry words. I want to baptize him with my anger. I have so many questions that I feel I deserve the answers to. I want to know why he watched me dangle helplessly in the wind while he "made up his mind." In the end he didn't make up his mind. He was a coward and made me make his mind up for him. I want to know why he's such a sniveling coward.

He wonders why I act so strange when I am around him and I just want to tell him, "Because I'm angry as hell. It takes most of my physical and emotional strength not to hit you, and scream at you, and unleash the fury that swells up inside of me when I see you and your smug fucking face! "

I don't want to be so angry, but I am. I guess it is just all part of the process. I just have so many questions. I have so many things that I want to say to him. I feel that I deserve a truth I will never receive, and that knowledge eats at me. I am so tired of people not knowing what they want, and dragging people into their mess of a life.

Sratching at My Surface

I am staying with my sister and her husband and I hate them. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly, but they drive me crazy. They remind me of all the things my marriage was not. They remind me of all the things I wish for. They remind me of the comfort of just having someone there.

I keep watching them in their adorable little daily routine and it makes me think about Ex Hubby. I don't want to think about him, and I don't think that I really miss him. I just miss the comfort of him. I miss having someone to sit on the couch with, even if he was sitting on the opposite side of the room. Being around them makes me miss Ex Hubby in a way, but then I think about the fact that we never had any of the things that I see in my sister and her husband, and then the sadness over my divorce dies. Then I am just left with the sadness over the fact that I was married and never felt that, and the sadness that is provoked by the big question. The question of, will I ever find that? Will I ever have a happy and meaningful relationship?

In my nearly 25 years I have yet to have a successful relationship, and that makes me worried about my future.

An Open Letter

Man I've Been Dating,

I wasn't ready. I told you and you didn't believe me. You thought you could change me. You can't. That is the one thing I learned. You can't change someone. Never, never, never! You can help someone change if they want to, but you can't make them do it if they don't. There is too much pressure. You want too much from me. I can't give you what you want. I kept telling you. You said you'd wait. You didn't understand that you could wait forever, it's not happening. I don't want you to wait. I want you to be happy. I am not the future wife you are looking for. Stop asking me for what I can't provide, it only makes me feel worse.

I am still sad. I am still holding on. I am still feeling hurt. I am still searching for the truth that I deserve. I can't be who you need me to be.

Sincerely,
Jane

Work it out!

I started a new workout regimen yesterday. I figure if I'm going to spend 2 weeks on the beach in a bikini, I might as well look good doing it. I am by no means overweight, in fact, I'm underweight. Somehow my butt is saggy and my tummy is flabby. I guess it is from all the muscle I used to have there that went away. So now I'm working out again, targeting my abs and butt. I'm hoping to see some results in about 6 weeks. I took pictures of the target areas yesterday, and I'm going to take weekly pictures to see if there are any noticeable improvements. I feel good about this, it is a positive life change. I am trying to do anything that keeps me from just sitting at the house moping around about the fact that I am getting a divorce.

I am far too free-spirited to be a small-town, suburban housewife.

I haven't updated in a while. I have been journaling on paper as a kind of concrete relic of this time. I figure it will be interesting to go back and read what I wrote in the pages after all this is over with and done. I think it might be good to see how bad I thought things once were, and (hopefully) how much better things will be in the future. It is so odd to think that in about 2 months I will officially be single. I never really wanted to be single again. I used to look at my single friends and feel so lucky that I had a great man to go home to every night. 5 years later, here I sit writing about my impending divorce. I know it is a bit too early, but I have tried once (unsuccessfully) to thrust myself into the single scene. This should be interesting. I guess now this blog will detail my adventures in being single. Ha! Ah, the joys of my life. Just a few months ago I was writing about how I will not end up divorced. I guess that was just me convincing myself. I knew this was coming for a while, I was just wishing and hoping that it wouldn't. I wish Hubby was happy with who I am and I was what he wanted in a wife, but alas it was not to be. I guess it is a good thing though. I am far too free-spirited to be a small-town, suburban housewife.

Anger Settles In

Today has been an angry day. I am so mad at Hubby. I was thinking about the fact that I am so hurt because when I stood up in front of all of our family and friends and said I would love Hubby forever, and that we would always be together as a team, I meant it with every atom of my heart and soul. Somehow when he stood up there, I don't think he meant it as much as I did. If he did, we wouldn't be going through this. If he really meant it, he wouldn't have emailed other women. He wouldn't have used Lacey's name as his password to search for apartments for me, he wouldn't have written a love song for Lacey. If he had really meant it, he wouldn't have made a fool of me and taken my promise and love so lightly.

Instead, he threw it all away, he didn't realize the preciousness of the gift I gave him that day. I promised to bind my life with his for the rest of our days on this Earth and whatever may come after. He promised the same thing, but I wonder if he had his fingers crossed, because he certainly didn't live up to his end of the promise.

And Then There are Bad Days

I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to get through the days like this. The days where I miss Hubby so badly that I just keep wondering if there isn't any way we could be together. I was walking through the store and playing on one of those CD sampler machines was the song I walked down the aisle to. I cried right there in the middle of the store. I can't stop feeling like I want to crawl into a whole and cry myself to death. Why can't we be together? Why isn't this insanely strong love enough? I don't want this.