Sratching at My Surface

I am staying with my sister and her husband and I hate them. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly, but they drive me crazy. They remind me of all the things my marriage was not. They remind me of all the things I wish for. They remind me of the comfort of just having someone there.

I keep watching them in their adorable little daily routine and it makes me think about Ex Hubby. I don't want to think about him, and I don't think that I really miss him. I just miss the comfort of him. I miss having someone to sit on the couch with, even if he was sitting on the opposite side of the room. Being around them makes me miss Ex Hubby in a way, but then I think about the fact that we never had any of the things that I see in my sister and her husband, and then the sadness over my divorce dies. Then I am just left with the sadness over the fact that I was married and never felt that, and the sadness that is provoked by the big question. The question of, will I ever find that? Will I ever have a happy and meaningful relationship?

In my nearly 25 years I have yet to have a successful relationship, and that makes me worried about my future.