It's Mutual

I live in a home full of mutual respect, appreciation, support, admiration, and unconditional love. I didn't think it was possible, but it is, and I am grateful every day.

Big Giant Huge Deal

So, the other night J and I were laying in bed talking (where we do all of our serious talking) and broached the topic of the "official move-in," and it is official: I'll be moving into J's place at the end of February. We have been living together on a trial basis for the last 2 months, with me still paying rent for my apartment, but not living there at all. I honestly can't remember the last time I slept in that bed. I have just been blissfully happy about the whole move-in thing, and I still am, but this morning it really hit me.

I.am.moving.in.with.him!

This is a Big Giant Huge Deal. A gal doesn't just go around moving in with any guy she dates. This is real, this is it. I've never moved in with anyone in this way before. When ex hubby and I moved in together we were already engaged and it was kind of a no big deal thing. With J, this is a huge show of commitment. This is the kind of thing where if we break up it's not just ok, I guess I won't be seeing him anymore but rather ok, now I have to pack all my things, find a place to live and move again. The amazing thing is that this idea doesn't scare me in the least. I am actually just so happy and amazed that J wants to commit to me in this way. He's never before lived with a woman, so I feel amazingly special.

I am betting a few years after this will come the next natural step, which will be to get married. J already said that for him, moving in together is a sort of pre-engagement. That makes me happy to hear, because although I've been through one failed marriage, I know what it takes now for a good one, and I know J and I would be great.

The Alarm is Ringing

This morning I got a wake up call. I was trying to pass a car on my way to work, in a rush as usual and frustrated by the people who wouldn't speed up or get out of my way. It was dark as I took to the opposite lane. Right as I sped up to around 60 MPH I saw a car without its lights on coming towards me just as fast. I stomped on the brakes to slow down and get back into my lane, but as my car started fishtailing I realized there was not enough time, and if I kept on the brakes I was going to spin out of control. So, I let go. I took my foot off the brake, and steered into the shoulder of the opposite lane. I hit the grass and mud and full speed, and the traction started to slow me down. Once I felt safe to, I stepped on the brakes and steered the car so that it was facing the road. I finally came to a stop, shaking and shocked. I was alive, and I was safe. I took a deep breath and got back on the road.

I feel so lucky to be alive right now. I know that this scenario could have gone many different ways, most of which end with me in the hospital or worse. I got lucky. Very lucky. I woke up this morning. The rushing has got to stop. I have to slow down and take a breath.

Line in the Sand

My best friend is pregnant, my sister was & is trying again, my college buddy is having a kid too. This is where the line is drawn; the people who are married with kids, and those who aren't. I am in the latter category. I will now, surely, watch as those people drift further from me. I hate to say it, but somewhere inside of me I'm feeling like it should have been me.

Round

There were many times
when she thought this must
be the end.
But there was always
a new blossoming
of hope. Like the oak
awakening after winter’s
long drought.
And she knew
she was more blessed than
many are in one
Life.

Zero Tolerance Policy

I find that the more life experience I have, the quicker I grow tired of immaturity. Right now, I am so tire of immaturity. Right now, I have zero tolerance for your desire to act like high school never ended. Right now I have zero tolerance for your whining about a no win situation you have put yourself in. I have zero tolerance for your pessimistic attitute towards my life, just because you are miserable. I havezero tolerance for your being passive-agressive and saying rude things in the context of a joke. I don't need things like this in my life, so I'm about to cut you out of it. Grow up.

Paired

My head cannot reconcile what is happening in my heart. Was happiness always so close at hand?