Hooray! I've gotten one paper for the semester written. It was supposed to be 7-8 pages, I managed 6 2/3 which isn't too shabby if you ask me. A friend of mine is coming by tomorrow to pick it up so she can edit it while I'm away on my honeymoon. She is such an amazing friend. Now all I have to do tomorrow is read some of Lewis Carroll's Through the Looking Glass, then head to class. Then it's home to read "The Tempest" and write a (supposed to be) 7 to 10 page paper on it. I'll more than likely just write 4 pages and be done with it. I really don't think my professor is even going to read it.
I can't wait to be done with all this reading and paper writing, if only for a week. I didn't get everything I needed to done before we leave so I'm going to have to come home and work hard, but oh well, at least I get a little vacation for a little while. I know I shouldn't have procrastinated so much, but I just couldn't focus. For now I'll revel in my victory I'M DONE (for now).
11.18.2005
11.17.2005
Boring Business Stuff
So, Hubby has decided to let his business partner (BP) buy him out. This is very interesting. BP called yesterday and asked him if he would consider, because BP wants to start another new business, but can't get the loan unless he has all the business in his name. BP is officially crazy. The man has a wife, young daughter, and a day job. On top of those he has the business w/ Hubby (for which he is about to assume all responsibility), and now he's going to start something new??? Good luck to him. The odd thing is that he and his wife both make good money and don't need extra income. Sometimes I think he does so many things at once to avoid his family, but what do I know.
Now on to my thoughts about Hubby letting BP buy him out. I hate to say it, but I'm happy. It was taking up a lot of his time in the evenings, and after 3 years of growing they still hadn't begun to pull dividends. So Hubby was working for no money. I wouldn't mind it if it looked like they'd begin making money, but BP always wants to keep it growing and never sit on it. Add to that the fact that over the past year BP has pulled probably a grand of their business money for personal reasons and only told Hubby after much badgering. Although BP and Hubby are great friends, I really don't think they were cut out to do business together. Hubby says he didn't mind the money pulling thing, because BP always paid it back, but I have a problem with the fact that he hid it. That's not very scrupulous if you ask me.
So, I'm glad that Hubby will be selling his half of the business. It means he'll be spending more time at home. I kind of like having him around. He's going to get his fair share of the money he invested back. At this point in the year we could really use that extra money. I really don't see that much of a downside to it, unless you call not having tons of chips and candy and soda in the house tempting me all the time a downside.
Now on to my thoughts about Hubby letting BP buy him out. I hate to say it, but I'm happy. It was taking up a lot of his time in the evenings, and after 3 years of growing they still hadn't begun to pull dividends. So Hubby was working for no money. I wouldn't mind it if it looked like they'd begin making money, but BP always wants to keep it growing and never sit on it. Add to that the fact that over the past year BP has pulled probably a grand of their business money for personal reasons and only told Hubby after much badgering. Although BP and Hubby are great friends, I really don't think they were cut out to do business together. Hubby says he didn't mind the money pulling thing, because BP always paid it back, but I have a problem with the fact that he hid it. That's not very scrupulous if you ask me.
So, I'm glad that Hubby will be selling his half of the business. It means he'll be spending more time at home. I kind of like having him around. He's going to get his fair share of the money he invested back. At this point in the year we could really use that extra money. I really don't see that much of a downside to it, unless you call not having tons of chips and candy and soda in the house tempting me all the time a downside.
11.12.2005
13 Years Have Lapsed
I just finished reading Lois Lowry's A Summer to Die. I read it once when I was about 9; I checked it out from the library and devoured it in a few days. It made me cry and I loved it because I saw a lot of myself in it. I too was an awkward young girl with glasses and stringy straight hair. I too had an older sister that was gorgeous and popular. I too was very interested in photography, but since my sister seemed to get most of the attention, I couldn't ask my dad to teach me how to take pictures.
I did not; however, lose my sister to leukemia. I am lucky in that we grew together over the years and I count her as one of the best friends I have ever had. I remember that when I finished reading it, I went home and told my sister that I loved her. The lesson of that book has stayed with me subconsciously all my life.
The last lines in the book touched me, "I shook my head. 'You made me beautiful,' I said shyly. 'Meg,' he laughed, putting one arm over my shoulders, 'you were beautiful all along.' " I remember hoping that someday I'd feel that way too; that someday I'd finally feel beautiful.
Now I'm 22 and I've just finished reading it for the second time. I cried again this time, it still makes me want to call my sister all those miles away. It's funny though, the last few lines still make me feel the same way too.
I did not; however, lose my sister to leukemia. I am lucky in that we grew together over the years and I count her as one of the best friends I have ever had. I remember that when I finished reading it, I went home and told my sister that I loved her. The lesson of that book has stayed with me subconsciously all my life.
The last lines in the book touched me, "I shook my head. 'You made me beautiful,' I said shyly. 'Meg,' he laughed, putting one arm over my shoulders, 'you were beautiful all along.' " I remember hoping that someday I'd feel that way too; that someday I'd finally feel beautiful.
Now I'm 22 and I've just finished reading it for the second time. I cried again this time, it still makes me want to call my sister all those miles away. It's funny though, the last few lines still make me feel the same way too.
11.10.2005
Song from Before
There was a beautiful song that meant so much to me 4 Falls ago, and until today I couldn't remember the artist or the title, only that one had New Year in it. Today I found the song, bought it, and listened to it over and over because it made me feel things I enjoy feeling again.
Further Seems Forever- New Year's Project.
Further Seems Forever- New Year's Project.
11.09.2005
Nostagia for Things Lost in the Blink of an Eye
It's amazing how fleeting life really is. There were a million gorgeous images all over town that begged to be captured. The contrast of the stark black sign post against the vibrant yellow oak leaves stared out at me from my windshield and said, "please, capture my beauty." I thought to myself, "I really need to borrow a camera and take this picture." And then the wind blew fiercly in the night and the image was erased from the world, but not from my mind. No two Falls will ever be the same and for some reason I swear, next Fall won't be as beautiful as this, but I have no way to capture it, except in my mind's eye.
11.05.2005
I hate ugly me
**The things I am about to write are not for sympathy. They are nothing but my inside thoughts that I need to get out. I am not asking for compliments, I just need to let the venom out.**
OK, I have a confession to make: I'm insecure: horribly, terribly, extremely insecure. When I look in the mirror I see UGLY. Either my face is too fat or too thin; I'm too pale and I have dark circles under my eyes. My hair doesn't look good and my nose looks weird. My boobs sag, I have an old lady butt. I have spider veins all over my legs. I slouch and stand crooked. My right shoulder hunches more than my left. Sometimes my stomach is flat, and other times it's too pudgy. I hate my teeth; they're too yellow. I have huge feet and my entire body is covered with blonde hair. My nails are ugly; they peel and crack and break. I'm so skinny you can see my bones poking out at my wrists. No matter how many times Hubby tells me I'm beautiful, it does nothing. No matter how many times he tells me that everyone he knows thinks I'm gorgeous it doesn't faze me. My parents, my sister, my best friend, or a stranger could all tell me I could be the next Heidi Klum and all that would be going through my mind is that they're full of shit.
I'm not just insecure about my appearance though; I think my personality is ugly. I talk too much; I'm boring and weird. I always think that people are just being my friend to be nice to me. I feel socially awkward. I feel like a very selfish and self-centered person, and the fact that I'm writing an entire tirade about how insecure I am just makes me feel worse about it. Every time a friend says we'll get together and then cancels or doesn't answer a phone call or an email I think that they did it because they secretly don't like me, but they're too nice to say so. In a way it verges on a strange sort of paranoia.
There are times when I feel attractive and there are times when I feel like a good person, but those occasions are few and far between. The last time I felt truly attractive was on my wedding day. Why? Because I was completely made up. Someone had painstakingly done my face to make every feature look good. Someone had spent hours making my hair perfect. I was wearing the most gorgeous dress in the world. On top of all that, it was the happiest day in my life so far, of course I felt great. That feeling hasn't come back since then. Now I look in the mirror and see every little imperfection, every little flaw.
I hate feeling this way, I really do. If Hubby is right about how many people think I'm a beautiful person, why can't I see what they see? What is making my vision so distorted? I know it is somewhere in my mind. I'm smart enough to have figured that out, but I just don't know how to make it go away. Can I even make it go away? Am I destined to feel this way about myself forever? I don't want to be.
I want to be able to look in the mirror and be happy, not disgusted. I don't know where to start. I don't know how to make it go away, I just wish it would. I'm so tired of looking at pictures of my best friend and hating her because she's just so damn glamorous and gorgeous. I'm tired of comparing myself to every pretty girl I see and knowing I could never stack up. I'm tired of my insecurity causing problems between Hubby and myself. The worst part about it is that there was a short time in my life when I got over my insecurity and really liked myself. Where did it go? How do I get it back?
OK, I have a confession to make: I'm insecure: horribly, terribly, extremely insecure. When I look in the mirror I see UGLY. Either my face is too fat or too thin; I'm too pale and I have dark circles under my eyes. My hair doesn't look good and my nose looks weird. My boobs sag, I have an old lady butt. I have spider veins all over my legs. I slouch and stand crooked. My right shoulder hunches more than my left. Sometimes my stomach is flat, and other times it's too pudgy. I hate my teeth; they're too yellow. I have huge feet and my entire body is covered with blonde hair. My nails are ugly; they peel and crack and break. I'm so skinny you can see my bones poking out at my wrists. No matter how many times Hubby tells me I'm beautiful, it does nothing. No matter how many times he tells me that everyone he knows thinks I'm gorgeous it doesn't faze me. My parents, my sister, my best friend, or a stranger could all tell me I could be the next Heidi Klum and all that would be going through my mind is that they're full of shit.
I'm not just insecure about my appearance though; I think my personality is ugly. I talk too much; I'm boring and weird. I always think that people are just being my friend to be nice to me. I feel socially awkward. I feel like a very selfish and self-centered person, and the fact that I'm writing an entire tirade about how insecure I am just makes me feel worse about it. Every time a friend says we'll get together and then cancels or doesn't answer a phone call or an email I think that they did it because they secretly don't like me, but they're too nice to say so. In a way it verges on a strange sort of paranoia.
There are times when I feel attractive and there are times when I feel like a good person, but those occasions are few and far between. The last time I felt truly attractive was on my wedding day. Why? Because I was completely made up. Someone had painstakingly done my face to make every feature look good. Someone had spent hours making my hair perfect. I was wearing the most gorgeous dress in the world. On top of all that, it was the happiest day in my life so far, of course I felt great. That feeling hasn't come back since then. Now I look in the mirror and see every little imperfection, every little flaw.
I hate feeling this way, I really do. If Hubby is right about how many people think I'm a beautiful person, why can't I see what they see? What is making my vision so distorted? I know it is somewhere in my mind. I'm smart enough to have figured that out, but I just don't know how to make it go away. Can I even make it go away? Am I destined to feel this way about myself forever? I don't want to be.
I want to be able to look in the mirror and be happy, not disgusted. I don't know where to start. I don't know how to make it go away, I just wish it would. I'm so tired of looking at pictures of my best friend and hating her because she's just so damn glamorous and gorgeous. I'm tired of comparing myself to every pretty girl I see and knowing I could never stack up. I'm tired of my insecurity causing problems between Hubby and myself. The worst part about it is that there was a short time in my life when I got over my insecurity and really liked myself. Where did it go? How do I get it back?
11.02.2005
This one wasn't bad looking either
Oh dear goodness! I'm supposed to be reading Hamlet, but I just can't. I've been exhausted all night. It's no good, no good at all. I've just wasted 1/2 a week of the 3 weeks left in this semester. I really just want to go to bed, I even fell asleep in Brit. Lit. today. Oh well, somehow I'll pull it off, I always do.
In other news, I got out of a speeding ticket today, which is awesome because we really can't afford to pay for a speeding ticket right now. Warnings are my best friend. I still have leftover anxiety from the time I got arrested though, and I think that's why I'm so drained. Every time I get pulled over for speeding all the blood in my body rushes to my head and I shake uncontrollably. I keep thinking that I'm going to get hauled off again, just for speeding, like last time.
Once a cute cop literally made me stick my hand out the window so he could slap it. I think he felt differently about his decision not to write me a ticket after he saw my wedding band though. *smirk* Another time a cop offered to get me out of a ticket for a small accident (no damage incurred by either car) if I would just go out with him. Too bad I was engaged. I swear, I think some cops get off on pulling girls over and hitting on them. Any cops out there have an opinion?
Other than that, I have an entry about being in "Baby Limbo" I've been wanting to write, but I can't get into it tonight. It'd take too much time. Oh, and one about re-claiming my femininity and not being afraid of men because I'm married. These are just little written reminders to myself that I need to write down my thoughts on these issues. Maybe in a few weeks I'll have some time to flesh them out.
In other news, I got out of a speeding ticket today, which is awesome because we really can't afford to pay for a speeding ticket right now. Warnings are my best friend. I still have leftover anxiety from the time I got arrested though, and I think that's why I'm so drained. Every time I get pulled over for speeding all the blood in my body rushes to my head and I shake uncontrollably. I keep thinking that I'm going to get hauled off again, just for speeding, like last time.
Once a cute cop literally made me stick my hand out the window so he could slap it. I think he felt differently about his decision not to write me a ticket after he saw my wedding band though. *smirk* Another time a cop offered to get me out of a ticket for a small accident (no damage incurred by either car) if I would just go out with him. Too bad I was engaged. I swear, I think some cops get off on pulling girls over and hitting on them. Any cops out there have an opinion?
Other than that, I have an entry about being in "Baby Limbo" I've been wanting to write, but I can't get into it tonight. It'd take too much time. Oh, and one about re-claiming my femininity and not being afraid of men because I'm married. These are just little written reminders to myself that I need to write down my thoughts on these issues. Maybe in a few weeks I'll have some time to flesh them out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
