I hate ugly me

**The things I am about to write are not for sympathy. They are nothing but my inside thoughts that I need to get out. I am not asking for compliments, I just need to let the venom out.**

OK, I have a confession to make: I'm insecure: horribly, terribly, extremely insecure. When I look in the mirror I see UGLY. Either my face is too fat or too thin; I'm too pale and I have dark circles under my eyes. My hair doesn't look good and my nose looks weird. My boobs sag, I have an old lady butt. I have spider veins all over my legs. I slouch and stand crooked. My right shoulder hunches more than my left. Sometimes my stomach is flat, and other times it's too pudgy. I hate my teeth; they're too yellow. I have huge feet and my entire body is covered with blonde hair. My nails are ugly; they peel and crack and break. I'm so skinny you can see my bones poking out at my wrists. No matter how many times Hubby tells me I'm beautiful, it does nothing. No matter how many times he tells me that everyone he knows thinks I'm gorgeous it doesn't faze me. My parents, my sister, my best friend, or a stranger could all tell me I could be the next Heidi Klum and all that would be going through my mind is that they're full of shit.

I'm not just insecure about my appearance though; I think my personality is ugly. I talk too much; I'm boring and weird. I always think that people are just being my friend to be nice to me. I feel socially awkward. I feel like a very selfish and self-centered person, and the fact that I'm writing an entire tirade about how insecure I am just makes me feel worse about it. Every time a friend says we'll get together and then cancels or doesn't answer a phone call or an email I think that they did it because they secretly don't like me, but they're too nice to say so. In a way it verges on a strange sort of paranoia.

There are times when I feel attractive and there are times when I feel like a good person, but those occasions are few and far between. The last time I felt truly attractive was on my wedding day. Why? Because I was completely made up. Someone had painstakingly done my face to make every feature look good. Someone had spent hours making my hair perfect. I was wearing the most gorgeous dress in the world. On top of all that, it was the happiest day in my life so far, of course I felt great. That feeling hasn't come back since then. Now I look in the mirror and see every little imperfection, every little flaw.

I hate feeling this way, I really do. If Hubby is right about how many people think I'm a beautiful person, why can't I see what they see? What is making my vision so distorted? I know it is somewhere in my mind. I'm smart enough to have figured that out, but I just don't know how to make it go away. Can I even make it go away? Am I destined to feel this way about myself forever? I don't want to be.

I want to be able to look in the mirror and be happy, not disgusted. I don't know where to start. I don't know how to make it go away, I just wish it would. I'm so tired of looking at pictures of my best friend and hating her because she's just so damn glamorous and gorgeous. I'm tired of comparing myself to every pretty girl I see and knowing I could never stack up. I'm tired of my insecurity causing problems between Hubby and myself. The worst part about it is that there was a short time in my life when I got over my insecurity and really liked myself. Where did it go? How do I get it back?