Stop, thief!!

So, I was going to send this to PostSecret and then I decided I'd just say it:
I'm afraid to really love myself because I worry it'll make me narcissistic.
I know it sounds silly, but you have no idea how huge it is in my mind. I feel like I'm stealing a little of my own happiness because of it. I want to try and work on this next year.

I have also come to the conclusion that college has stolen my creativity. Well, maybe not stolen it but definitely re-directed too much of it into certain channels. I used to ooze poetry. Everyday I had a journal with me because so many little poetic one-liners would come to me that I had to write them down then and there or I'd lose them. In 2 years I wrote 3 journals full of poetry. It wasn't all masterpieces but there was good stuff in there. Now; nothing. I haven't written a poem in probably 2 years.

I use my creative juices now to come up with awesomely exciting lessons. I make up game shows for my students, I have them research vacationing in any country they want, I create coffee shop poetry readings for them, but I do not make my own poetry. Don't get me wrong, I love teaching my students in new and creative ways that don't involve the textbook. It is such a challenge to make things fun for my kids. I just wish I could have a little bit of that creative energy saved in a jar for myself at home. I'd like to work on that next year too. My first step is the poetry workshop I'm taking next semester.

I just realized that I let slip what I'm in school for. Yes, I'm about to be a teacher. In 2006 I'll become what I've dreamt of for almost my whole life. I'm also going to graduate Magna Cum Laude, or if I do really well next semester; Suma Cum Laude. This is my gift to myself for barely graduating high school. In 2006 I'll start my career which is insanely scary, but so exciting at the same time. This is going to be a really big year.

Quicky

I'm about to run to do some grocery shopping, but wanted to post and say this . . . The camera is goooood! I love it so much. I read the whole manual yesterday while spending the day washing dog puke out of all my parents' bed-clothes and uploading pictures to shutterfly (another story for another time). Yesterday morning I took this picture.
I call it The Leaf Stands Alone. I know the actual composition isn't that great, but it showcases the camera's zoom capabilities. Yay for the new camera!

Ho ho ho!

Merry Christmas! I hope everyone had a great one. Mine was pretty good aside from missing my family. I got the only thing I really wanted. A digital camera from Hubby. It's a Kodak Z740. I'm still learning the ropes. It seems to do pretty well indoors, but I'm really excited to see what it does outside. Since I now have extended picture capacity I will leave you with a picture of my sweet puppy enjoying a christmas present. . . And a shirt my mom bought for my dad. It's crude humor but it made me laugh.

Birthday!

Happy birthday to me! I did not have to worry about people forgetting. Hubby woke me up before he left for work and wished me a happy one. I went back to sleep and was woken up twice, once by my sister singing an lively rendition of "Happy birthday!" into my cell phone across the many miles that separate us, and again by my best friend who also called across the miles just to say happy birthday, and to chide me for being asleep at 10:30. I had to remind her that I came down with a cold yesterday and I was resting up.

Yes, that's right. I was bestowed with a cold that turned my head into a giant snot balloon yesterday. I took some airborne, some nyquill, and smeared neosporin on my raw nose before bed. Miraculously this morning I haven't had to blow my nose once. I actually breathed through my nose all night. Yesterday I also had a flare up of my chronic medically condition and my period was late. I was very upset. Today I feel better and dear old Aunt Flo made her visit. Maybe the fates have deemed me deserving of a happy birthday after all. I was beginning to think I had done something terribly wrong to cause my karma to be so screwed up.

Well, that's about it I guess. Since Best Friend woke me up I decided to get up. I found a really sweet card from Hubby on the couch for me. It made me love him even more. Now I'm going to go enjoy some strawberry yogurt blast Cheerios and watch Paperclips (I love DVR!). When Hubby gets home we'll go eat Mexican food and I'll get to open some presents from my sister and best friend. I have to wait till Saturday to celebrate with my folks and the in-laws and get my gift from Hubby. Hope everyone has a great day. And happy birthday to my birthday twin Carissa!

And since I don't have any pictures of any birthday cakes of mine. Here is one I made for my mother's 50th Birthday last year. Yes that is 50 candles. There is a big 50 made out of cookies on top, which is surrounded by cookie stars, but the candles eclipse it. =)

Big Things Happening

Today was a very big day. I got up at 6:30 and was at the site of my internship by 8. I met a lot of the people in charge and they were very nice. I almost got the feeling that if they could, they would have given me a job on the spot. It felt very much like an interview. Then I met the person I will be working with on a daily basis. I am really excited about working with her next semester because her fields of interest are very similar to mine. After that I came home and finished reading the final book I had to read this weekend. Wrote up my summaries of all 5 books and emailed them to my professor just in the nick of time.

Having those 2 things done meant I was completely finished with the fall semester. The relaxation can begin now. To celebrate I put up the Christmas lights (and nearly killed myself in the process). I am hypoglycemic and hadn't had anything to eat all day, but I was doing OK. Then I started having to put the ladder in very tall places. I am very skinny and small and am not very strong at all. Moving the ladder around + shaking because I hadn't eaten + shaking because I was scared shitless to be up so high on a ladder alone = a really shaky person very high up on a ladder just begging to die. I ended up getting on the roof and straddling the pointed part and scooting out instead of going all the way up to the highest peak on the ladder. It looks good though and I'm really glad I did it. We've lived in this house for 1 1/2 years and this is the first time we've had lights. Our house is so festive now. We bought our tree this weekend and decorated it, and now we've got lights on the outside and a pretty red bow on the door. Hooray!

I really am a big huge kid at heart, Christmas and my birthday are the biggest events of the year to me. Every morning when I wake up and walk out the bedroom door I see the Christmas tree and I literally want to hug it. Even if it will stick me with its prickly needles. I want to hug my birthday presents under the tree too. Why are my birhtday presents under my tree?

Because Wednesday is my birthday! I don't think I'm doing anything though. Hubby hasn't mentioned it to me, neither have my parents. That kind of bums me out. I refuse to plan my own birhtday celebration. I hope we at least have dinner or something. I also hope people don't forget like they did last year. Damnit! I just want to be able to celebrate like a kid.

P.S. Happy B-day on Wednesday too Carissa!

Procrastination and Holiday Weirdness

I don't know why I'm doing this. I have a big final tomorrow. I should have spent the day studying, but instead I did a million other things. I should be studying now but I can't seem to make myself. Now I'm going to be up all night and probably not well prepared, then I'll hate myself tomorrow. Why am I doing this?

I talked to my sister today. My folks are flying to the west coast to spend Christmas with her. I feel slightly jealous. I have not spent a Christmas without my parents...ever. I don't want to be forced to spend my favorite holiday with my in-laws. I like them but I'm not really comfortable with them, and now I have to spend the biggest holiday of the year in a weird and uncomfortable place. I know it'll probably make me sad and miss my parents more.

If you knew me, you'd know how big of a deal Christmas and my family is to me. I'd feel better if I knew that Hubby and I would spend the day together as our own little family, but that won't happen. We'll end up at the in-laws for a very long time. As the hours pass I'll feel increasingly uncomfortable and bored, and finally I'll end up fighting sleep as the 6th or 7th hour ticks by. Can you tell I've experienced this before?

I guess I should think positively about it. No use in creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe it'll be better this year, or maybe we won't spend so much time there this year. Maybe spending the holiday with the in-laws will increase the comfortable-ness barrier. (Never mind the fact that they are amazingly out of touch with the modern world). Either way, I do not begrudge my sister her time with my parents. I know it means a lot to her to have them come to her instead of she and Her Hubby having to fly here. I'm really happy that she gets to have one last big family Christmas on the west coast before she and Her Hubby move a few states over. I suppose it's about time I became a grown-up and experienced a holiday without Mom and Dad. I didn't see them on Thanksgiving, I can live without Christmas too. (Which I guess, is precisely what is bothering me).

P.S. Because my posts have had a lack of pictures I wil begin adding random pictures from my computer. The one in this post is a cell phone picture of a beautiful sunset I saw when I took the puppy out.

Snipets of Life

Hubby and I just got back from our belated honeymoon the Sunday before last. We had a really great time. I just wanted to share this special little moment that is my favorite memory from the trip.

On Thanksgiving night, as we waited for our table at Cracker Barrel we came across one of those little music sampler machines that play little snipets from CDs they have for sale. Hubby prssed Frank Sinatra (one of my faves) and danced with me in the middle of the store. I swear, for 30 seconds I was sure I was living in a movie...

It's (Almost) Over!!

The semster is over! At least classes are. I went to my final class last night and turned in the rest of my projects that were due. Now all that's left is a horrible 3-hour, 4-essay final in the class that I like the least. The only thing that is keeping me going is knowing that the professor said that if I do well on this final I'll more than likely get an "A" in his class. Getting an "A" in a class that he teaches is like winning the gold at the olympics. If I get one I'm going to ask for a medal, or at least celebrate pretty hard. The final is Friday, wish me luck.

My Nana, Aunt and Uncle are in town this week. Nana wants to see my house, but it's a pig sty and I refuse to let her see it this way. I'd clean, but I only have 3 days until my final and I want to spend 1 relaxing and 2 studying. Too bad. When she moves here next year she can see it all she wants.

So much for a carefree winter break without classes for once. I just spent $200 to sign up for a test to be certified as a professional in my field. The test is the 7th of January so I plan on spending a lot of my winter break studying. Oh well, at least I'll have the test over with. Hopefully I'll pass on the first try and I can know for the entire semester of my internship that I can get a job as soon as I graduate. In fact, as soon as I get passing scores back I can start applying for jobs, because I know I'm going to graduate.

Well I'm off to re-heat some yummy pizza and maybe watch Garden State since I haven't seen it yet. Or maybe I'll do some cleaning like a good girl.

Rebirth

Today I found an email I had written to my best friend about a dream I had a few months before my wedding. It still to this day remains one of the most wonderful dreams I ever remember having.


It was so vivid and so spiritual feeling. I dreamt that I was reborn. I jumped off a cliff into the ocean. I went straight down and into the water, but kept going. I traveled straight down through the water and into a warm red womb and then right after that I was born. As all this was happening select memories of my life were coming to me. As I was handled by the doctors and placed at my "mother's" breast my memories of my past life dissolved.

Talk about a beautiful dream. I remember that I woke up with the most peaceful feeling I have ever had in my life. I knew then 100% that the course I had chosen for my life was right.

Call me a bad person if you want

I feel like a bad person for writing this, but I'm going to post it anyway because it is my honest thoughts.

So, this funny thing has happened. Somehow a large number of my ex-boyfriends from California have become friends over the 4 years that I've been gone. This makes me wonder, did I really just date the same asshole over and over and over....? None of these guys were friends when we dated, it's like they formed an "I touched Jane's boobies" club. I know this is really self-centered sounding, but when I got in touch with a couple of them after all these years I wonder if they had some kind of conversation like, "Hey I emailed Jane today."
"Dude, that's weird, I emailed her a few days ago."
"You know, I dated her too."
"Yeah, man that's a little weird. She was kind of "free" back then."
Out of the 4 that are all part of this little clique of guys, I only talk to one really.

The sad thing is that they're kind of losers now. Every single one of them still lives at home, which wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that all of them but one dropped out of college. So they're living at home, working fast-food jobs and mooching off their parents. I hate to be judgmental because maybe they've got things going on in their lives that I don't know about, but the thing is; they just sit there and whine about how bad life is on their blogs, about how they see all their friends growing up and it sucks. All I can think is that maybe it's time for them to grow up too. The whole party culture they're in is lost on me. I don't get the idea of going out and getting so wasted it hurts to wake up the next day at noon. I imagine that kind of life has got to be a little depressing and empty, so I guess maybe I should shut up.

It's just odd to me that most of the guys I dated between the BIG boyfriend and before Hubby all ended up being friends, and living kind of sad lives. Is that really what I thought I deserved back then?