Making Things Happen

Well, I got my insurance all figured out but the only female counselor in the area has no Thursday appointments open. I'm waiting to get a confirmation email back from a counselor at the university. I should be starting sessions today or next Monday. I'm feeling nervous but relieved.

In other news, student teaching is going well. I've already got more practice in this semester that I had last semester. I feel really comfortable in the classroom, and I really like my students. In one part of my life, things are gooood.

Maybe it's not getting better after all

I have a problem that I'm not quite sure what to do about. I am an extremely insecure person. I honestly believe that my husband is partly to blame. Today I broke down and cried for 10 minutes, because I hate who I have become. I don't want to be this person anymore, I really don't. I don't want to be the mean and crazy wife. I don't want to make my husband have to alter his life because of my own personal problems, but I don't see a way to deal with this. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I don't want to discuss this with Hubby because we've had this talk over and over. I know if I brought it up it would become a huge blow out. Obviously the way I'm approaching it is wrong, but I don't know the right way.

How do I tell him that his actions make me feel unimportant to him? How do I tell him that I constantly feel like I'm never enough? How do I tell him that I've begun to bend over backwards to be enough and it still doesn't work? How do I tell him the secret reasons for the things I do? How do I tell him about the snooping and mistrust? How do I tell him that my whole happiness and sadness seems to revolve around his actions? How do I tell him that every day I hate myself more for all of these things? I look at what I've just written and I think that a seriously messed up person must have written them.

I didn't used to be like this, I used to be happy and secure. Sometimes I really don't know what happened and other times I do think I know what happened. Either way, I don't know how to make it stop. Before 1 little thing was brought into our relationship everything was fine. I didn't really have this big of a problem, now I do. I don't want to forbid it, but if he can't control it I don't see what other choice I have.

I am at a loss and I'm not sure where to go with this anymore. I don't know how I'm going to keep living under the same roof without acting any different when I secretly feel like I'm dying inside. I've got to figure this out.

Hanging out with Cameron Diaz in Japan

Yesterday I had a fleeting thought wondering what ever happened to the "important" boyfriend I had before I met Hubby. Somehow it ended up in my dream last night. I went to Japan to see the geisha (yes, I just read Memoirs of a Geisha). Hubby, my folks, my sister and grandmother came with me. I somehow got lost though and ended up in a store hanging out with Cameron Diaz, who picked out and bought me a really cute purse. Hubby called to see where I was and I said, "Oh, I'm hanging out with Cameron, I'll be back later." Totally weird.

So anyway, after lots of other odd dream stuff. I'm on a trip to Vegas for my best friend's wedding and I end up at a camp in the mountains visiting my ex-boyfriend who is working there. Somehow he winds up coming to Vegas with me and I'm sitting with him near some pool area that is covered in water slides. Hubby comes and sees us and he's pissed because I'm not sitting with him. Ex-boyfriend gets upset when I tell him I have to go. I try to explain to him that my husband is much more important than he is and I leave. I go find Hubby and I'm so happy to see him that jump into his arms and give him a million kisses.

I woke up feeling a little odd, but I'm pretty sure it was a good dream. Just wanted to document the weirdness of it all.

You've got to admit it's getting better....

Things have been getting a little bit better for me. I am probably not going to see a counselor after all since our insurance company makes us pay $1,500 out of pocket before they'll begin covering 80%. Complete and total bullshit. I'm going to see if my university has free counseling services. At least if they do I'll get 4 months worth of help.

Wednesday and Thursday I'm going to teach my first full days of lessons. I'm having the students analyze the role of speaker and tone in Muriel Rukeyser's "Effort at Speech Between Two People." I'm going to have the kids decide who they think the two people are and what parts of the poem are each person's words and then re-enact it in front of the class. I think they'll enjoy it because there is no wrong answer, only what they feel.

I also have to come up with a bulletin board. I was thinking about doing one for the poetry unit, but I'm not sure. I would like to get all creative but I'm having a block right now. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm starving, but I'm waiting for my dear Hubby to come home.

In other news, I've been put in charge of trying to reach a student who is exactly like me at 17. I'm not sure how to do it. She's a very talented writer. Today I read a poetry assignment of hers and told her exactly how good I thought it was. She lit up. The only problem is that part of it was about using drugs and alcohol to deal with her problems. I told her a suggestion might be to pick up a pen and a piece of paper every time she feels like she can't deal. I think she liked the idea, she proceeded to tell me about how she plays the guitar too. If I could reach this girl it would make my year. I love my "job" so much.

Finding Good

On my way to the university today I saw some beautiful things. I took pictures.

I also spent the day with Hope and Sunny. It was a good day. We'll see how the night goes.

Compulsion

Compulsion

I eat it-
The rotten fruit
That I dug from the dumpster.

I eat it-
The diseased leavings
That fell into the gutter.

It is bruised and soured
Over-ripe and oozing
But still…

I eat it-
The anguished scream
That festers in my throat.

Where The Nuts Go

*4:39 PM. The new year is going to be off with a good start. I have placed a call to inquire about an appointment with a counselor. I'm hoping to make good on my resolution to deal with my insecurity, among other issues. I want a stronger me this year.

*8:22 PM. Really this decision to take action couldn't have come at a better time. I am shaking from dissapointment and anger because Hubby hasn't come home from work yet. I've seen him a whole of 6 hours this week. I seriously want to scream at the top of my lungs.

It Shatters Me

I'm not over it. I'm not over it. I'm not over it.

I better wrangle in my insecurity pretty fucking fast or things are going to get ugly really soon.

I can't stop. It's a sickness. I need help. I hate feeling this way. I want to cry for hours. Am I really not enough????

Waaay Too Early

It's the first day of student teaching. I've been awake since about 4:30. I got to sleep around midnight. Ugh! Someone please put me out of my misery. Somehow I will make it through the next 8 hours...in heels. I'm hoping the heels will keep me in enough pain to keep me from falling asleep. Dear god! This is the first day out of 4 months. Here's hoping I make it through.

Happiness

Hubby and I have been married for 6 months today. I can't believe it's been 6 months already. I have to say the people who told us that the first year would be the hardest are full of crap. It's probably been the smoothest time in our relationship yet. I will say though, the first 6 months of living together was hard. Maybe when people say that they're really speaking about couples who move in together right after the wedding.

Well, as I was saying, things are really going good with Hubby and I. Saturday we went to a banquet his company was hosting at a local casino and then went out for the night with some co-workers of his. It was a blast. I haven't had that much fun in a while. Hubby even won $20 on the blackjack tables. We stayed out until 2 and then went to our hotel room. Some may not want to read the next few sentences but I have to talk about something great that happened between Hubby and I that night. That night back at the hotel we kissed each other in a way we haven't kissed for years. It was so wonderful and I felt really connected. It was nice to kiss the way we used to when we were dating. The next day I just felt like I was on cloud 9, and I had this incredible swelling of love in my heart.

I think we really needed some time out to have fun. Our money is always tight and we're usually both so exhausted from work/school. I've always told Hubby that fun and laughter, for me, are the ultimate aphrodisiacs, and it proved true once again. I'm so grateful to his company for giving us a night out and a hotel room on them. We really needed it.

No Small Feat

I have discovered how to rid myself of a pesky sore throat: Threaten it with a trip to the doctor. Miraculously my sore throat had vanished when I woke up to make a doctor's appointment. Hooray!

It's red and very swollen

For the past 4 days I have had the sorest throat in the world. So sore that I can't swallow or sleep properly because it makes my throat itch and then I begin coughing uncontrolably. My dad, who is an RN says it sounds and looks like a viral infection that will go away on its own. Hubby, who is not an RN thinks otherwise and won't stop badgering me to go see a doctor. I told him I'd go tomorrow if he paid the $30 co-pay. So, I guess I'm wasting my time and the doctor's tomorrow just so Hubby will shoosh. That is, if I can get in to see a doctor. Oh well, I had nothing to do tomorrow anyways and if there's a chance that it's not viral I guess I should have it checked out. Bleh.

The Anti-Chime Wind Chime

Hubby is still sleeping on the couch, which has relegated me to the computer room. I was playing around with the camera the other day and I have this to offer you.

I have a wind chime in my backyard that is really pretty. It refuses to chime though. I keep it around anyways because I think it's just so beautiful.


I don't really like the composition of this picture, but it gives a nice full length view.
I like the composition of this one much better.For some reason I love this one, look closely and you can see the spider web inside of the top bell.

The camera was having problems focusing, so this is the clearest picture of the beads I could get.

Always Interesting

Days like this are always interesting. I woke up at 9 and noticed Hubby hadn't woken me up when he left for work, no big deal. I get close to the bedroom door and notice it sounds like the TV is on, but muted. When I get into the livingroom I find Hubby asleep on the couch with his work phone by his side. I hope he's not feeling too sick. It's always a "fun" day when both of us are home when he's sick. He has a penchant for acting like he's competing in a world's biggest asshole contest when he doesn't feel well. Oh well, he's sleeping right now. Hopefully he'll have gotten up and moved to the bedroom by the time I've run my errands. I'll cross my fingers for that one.

The Unstoppable Three

I did it! I took the Praxis II. I'm very confident about the content knowledge part, but not so confident about the principles of learning and teaching part, it was fairly hard. Whether I pass or fail I feel good knowing that I did it. Besides taking the test on Saturday, I had a really great day. The Unstoppable Three were at it again.

I carpooled with my girl "Hope" and we had an awesome time talking. I met up with her at 6 AM at her house and we talked and watched the scenery as the sun rose. It was great because it has been so long since I've had a friendship where being really honest and sharing secrets is part of the routine. She's just an amazing person and she's so funny and sweet, and I just love her to death. Once we got to town we met up with the third member of the party, "Sunny." The three us of walked in the cold across campus and laughed to relax our nerves. We even did our macho-man pose to try and intimidate the test. (Yes, we're dorks).

After the first part of the test we had a 4 hour break so we went back to Sunny's house and studied for a bit, played with her dogs, met her husband, and generally laughed a whole lot. It was just a great time. We went to lunch and laughed some more and talked about everything under the sun. They helped me get over my freak out about the second part of the test, which is just one more reason why I love them. Afterwards, Hope and I climbed back in her car and had more wonderful conversation as the sun set. Lordy, I swear, now that we've shared the sunset and sunrise in one day together our friendship has reached a whole new level.

I just feel so blessed to have two wonderful friends who I could share the day, and such a trying experience with. I think the three of us being together on Saturday really helped us all cope a little better. I know I'm so lucky to have finally found some great friends.

adorable little red-heads

I have come to a fairly important and surprising conlcusion today. I may change my mind later on, but right now this is what I want. After reading an article about parental readiness I have concluded that: I'm 80% positive I don't want kids. I love them, they're so fun and cute, but they're a totally huge responsibility. I'm going to be a teacher; I'll be around kids all day, every day. I'm an aunt, and will be again soon, I'm sure. I married young and still have a whole lot of things I want to do before I have to give up my life to my children. I don't want to give up traveling, quiet me time, alone time with Hubby, post-grad degrees, and just for fun enrichment classes. I'm afraid by the time I do everything I want it may be too late.

Hubby is a bit older than me. If we did have kids on the timeline we've thought of, he'd be at least 30 by the time we had our first. That idea doesn't sit well with him. Sometimes I feel bad that I'm not his age. If he had married someone his age, she'd be in the same place as him professionally and financially, and they probably would have been married sooner and had a kid by now. Hubby says he's not sure if he wants children, but I'm pretty sure somewhere in the back of his mind he really does. The funny thing is that he's the one who introduced me to the idea of not having kids. I just assumed we would, I thought it was what you were supposed to do about 2 years after marriage. I'm seeing it a little differently now.

The 80% figure is accounting for the fact that I am young, and surely at this age I shouldn't want children anyway. The wiggle room also accounts for the fact that we actually have to do the things I don't want to give up. I don't want to be one of those couples that says, "Oh we're going to travel and spend lots of wonderful times together," when they actually just sit at home and watch TV. I don't want to get to the end of things and never have any fulfilling achievements. I've heard raising children can be very fulfilling.

Maybe in 3 or 4 years I'll feel differently. I don't know, but I do know that I want to be able to enjoy being out of school and having disposable income and free time to enjoy for a while. Hubby and I have never known what having disposable income is like. I've been in school the entire 4 years and he's been supporting us. If we do have children I want to go on a romantic Hawaiian vacation before they come along.

Bad Jane, Bad!

I am being very bad. I am supposed to be studying for the teacher certification test I'm taking Saturday. Instead I'm playing around on the internet. I notice a pattern here. I seem to be procrastinating a lot. OK, new resolution. I will try my damnedest not to procrastinate any more this year. I guess that means I should stop writing this. I guess that means I should stop using the computer for the next few days. I'm going to stop writing this . . . right now. Wish me luck Saturday and send good vibes my way.
-Jane

My Foiled Attempts

This is the precarious balance:
The bright autumn leaf teetering
on the roof's edge
in the breeze.

This is the balance:
Letting you continue the deep rhythmic
sleep-breathing beside me
while the rhythmic pounding of
heartache
continues in my head.

This is your equilibrium:
The summer sun is quenched
by the Winter's frost
and now I know how it feels.

Obligatory Look Back

In school they teach us that reflection is the key to becoming better at what you do. If that is the case I guess reflecting on each year should make me better at living. Well, here goes nothing.

2005 was good, very good. The highlight, of course was Hubby and I getting married. We'd been waiting for a few years so when the day came we were both ecstatic. We celebrated the one-year anniversary of owning our home. Hubby got an amazing new job, and senior year started for me. The second scholarship for school came this year, which meant I got to quit working in August so I could concentrate on school. My sister got married in 2005 too. That was a big highlight. She's my best friend (excluding Hubby, of course) and nothing beats seeing her so happy.

There were a lot of ups and downs this year. Life with Hubby hasn't always been a bowl of cherries, but the way we've worked on things and become even stronger is amazing. My relationship with my parents changed in ways I never expected. Suddenly they're these really cool adults who also happen to have raised me. We found out my dad has a very small benign tumor on his brain, which he and my mother tried to hide from my sister and I. Luckily it's nothing to worry about, but it sure as hell was scary to hear. I think my reaction to them hiding it was the catalyst for the change.

I've been challenged more academically this year than ever before. That challenge has given me one point of self-confidence; I know without a doubt that I'm smart. I've come to realize that I can do anything if I really put my mind to it. I really believe that I can learn anything if I try hard enough. I feel like I'm bragging but I've never said this to anyone because I've been too embarrassed. People sometimes say, "Wow Jane, you're really smart." Instead of blowing them off now I say thanks, because I can accept that compliment. I'm smart and I'm proud of it. I'm a bright and capable woman and damn, it feels gooood!

On the flip side, I've also been made to face my insecurity and self-doubt in 2005. I haven't changed much in that department yet but I'm really hoping to this year. I may be confident in my brains, I’m not so confident in my personality or my looks. I don’t know what exactly I’ll do to change it, but I know I need to.

People say you can’t really love another until you love yourself. I stand as a testament to the fact that, that statement is a lie. There are a whole lot of people in this world that I love, but I’m not so sure that I love myself yet. Maybe someday, but until then I’ll concentrate on loving Hubby and Sissy and Mom and Dad and everyone else.

To use one sentence to sum up the year: Suddenly I'm very much an adult. It is a bit odd to suddenly find myself an adult, but I’m enjoying it.

Happy 2006 everyone!