2.26.2006
...updated
Ah, the wonders of communication. We talked, really talked without raising our voices or accusing. It worked well. I'm fairly happy now.
...
He broke his promise. I don't know what I'm going to do. He needs to get help, or I think I might leave. I don't want to, but I don't think I can live with this. I hurts so much to know that he broke his promise, that his word is not worth much. I guess I should give him credit for waiting 2 and a half weeks. I have no idea what is going to happen. I'm really scared.
2.24.2006
Fight Back!
It's been a while since I blogged. I've been busy trying to teach 95 11th graders about English. I'm still pretty much enjoying it though. This post will have a theme. Female Empowerment! The teachings of my feminist parents are kicking in. I had to write a series poem for my class so I wrote one about the evils of fashion magazines. But first, This is really upsetting me. I'd really hate to think what will happen if the assured fight to overturn this (eventual) law is lost.
And now onto my poem:
The High Price of High Fashion
I
This is Southern California:
Home of the beautiful
people who
are mostly
hollow inside.
The place where chubby girls
want to be thin,
and skinny girls
want to be thinner.
Walk down Rodeo.
You’ll see them there;
hundreds of girls
who all look the same.
They
are
blonde,
they
are
tall,
they
are
sticks.
They are the ones
who have made
my 7 year old
ashamed to wear
her bathing suit.
She says
she’s too fat.
While I think
she’s too young
to be thinking
like that.
II
The designers consume me
and my flesh
like tigers tearing
into raw meat.
They tell me
to lose ten pounds.
They don’t
care how
so long as
on Monday I can
resemble a washboard
in that swimsuit.
Fat models don’t
sell the dream,
the fairy tale
that everyone thinks
is my life.
People don’t know
that it’s not really
so glamorous.
I don’t spend my days
laying languidly
on the beach
looking dewy and fresh
and so sexy.
I spend half of my days
being made up
and pinned and sewn
into some hideous creation
from the next
hot designer.
The other half
I spend flying here
or there to be sexy
for someone else.
I get lonely.
I get tired.
III
Flipping through the pages
of some stupid fashion magazine
I see so many images
that make me want to scream.
On one page is an article
about loving yourself
for who you are.
On the next page
is a picture of a model
so thin that she’s barely there.
They should put a warning label
on these ad campaigns
like they do with cigarettes.
Warning:
Viewing these images
may cause severe
deterioration of self-esteem.
They should tell girls
about what airbrushing does,
like the warnings
on a car’s mirrors.
Attention:
Thighs in image
are much larger
than they appear.
Once, I thought I was fat.
My sister’s abusive boyfriend
Jose called me a cochina
I looked at my Teen Magazine
and thought he was right.
A few years ago
I was offered
an interview
with a modeling agency.
I turned it down.
IV
Look at this photo!
She looks huge!
We’ll have to do
some major retouching.
Honestly, does she think
125 pounds
is acceptable for a model?
V
It has taken years
but here I am
standing in front of a mirror
in love with what I see.
I am 5 foot 6
and 145 pounds.
I am curvy
I am beautiful
I am sexy.
I am not
the fat little girl
who used to live
inside of me.
And now onto my poem:
The High Price of High Fashion
I
This is Southern California:
Home of the beautiful
people who
are mostly
hollow inside.
The place where chubby girls
want to be thin,
and skinny girls
want to be thinner.
Walk down Rodeo.
You’ll see them there;
hundreds of girls
who all look the same.
They
are
blonde,
they
are
tall,
they
are
sticks.
They are the ones
who have made
my 7 year old
ashamed to wear
her bathing suit.
She says
she’s too fat.
While I think
she’s too young
to be thinking
like that.
II
The designers consume me
and my flesh
like tigers tearing
into raw meat.
They tell me
to lose ten pounds.
They don’t
care how
so long as
on Monday I can
resemble a washboard
in that swimsuit.
Fat models don’t
sell the dream,
the fairy tale
that everyone thinks
is my life.
People don’t know
that it’s not really
so glamorous.
I don’t spend my days
laying languidly
on the beach
looking dewy and fresh
and so sexy.
I spend half of my days
being made up
and pinned and sewn
into some hideous creation
from the next
hot designer.
The other half
I spend flying here
or there to be sexy
for someone else.
I get lonely.
I get tired.
III
Flipping through the pages
of some stupid fashion magazine
I see so many images
that make me want to scream.
On one page is an article
about loving yourself
for who you are.
On the next page
is a picture of a model
so thin that she’s barely there.
They should put a warning label
on these ad campaigns
like they do with cigarettes.
Warning:
Viewing these images
may cause severe
deterioration of self-esteem.
They should tell girls
about what airbrushing does,
like the warnings
on a car’s mirrors.
Attention:
Thighs in image
are much larger
than they appear.
Once, I thought I was fat.
My sister’s abusive boyfriend
Jose called me a cochina
I looked at my Teen Magazine
and thought he was right.
A few years ago
I was offered
an interview
with a modeling agency.
I turned it down.
IV
Look at this photo!
She looks huge!
We’ll have to do
some major retouching.
Honestly, does she think
125 pounds
is acceptable for a model?
V
It has taken years
but here I am
standing in front of a mirror
in love with what I see.
I am 5 foot 6
and 145 pounds.
I am curvy
I am beautiful
I am sexy.
I am not
the fat little girl
who used to live
inside of me.
2.15.2006
2.14.2006
Good Days & Bad Days
I just got finished grading a bunch of vocabulary tests, which was a very interesting task. Some of the kids did great, some of them did OK, and then I had a few that made me wonder what the heck happened. I have one student that I don't think can read very well. I couldn't understand what she had tried to write and she didn't use a single word correctly in a sentence. I wrote her a little note to please come and see me or the other teacher if she needs help. I've been having a lot of fun giving students the extra one-on-one tutoring they need. I'm really finding that it helps them, which always makes me feel great.
It seems that student teaching has its good days and its bad days. Today was a good day, but yesterday wasn't so great. I guess that comes with the territory of having a job where the environment is always changing. Either way, I really love what I'm doing and I still feel like I made the right career choice. These kids are just so much fun, they make me laugh and smile, and sometimes want to pull my hair out.
A couple of my classes really got a kick out of the fact that I used the word "chillin" and then followed it up later with the phrase, "it's all good." I really think I took them by surprise because they all have this set image in their minds of what kind of person I am. As the semester is progressing and I'm spending more time teaching them, I think they're getting to know me a little better, and vice versa, which is an amazing thing. I really love my "job."
It seems that student teaching has its good days and its bad days. Today was a good day, but yesterday wasn't so great. I guess that comes with the territory of having a job where the environment is always changing. Either way, I really love what I'm doing and I still feel like I made the right career choice. These kids are just so much fun, they make me laugh and smile, and sometimes want to pull my hair out.
A couple of my classes really got a kick out of the fact that I used the word "chillin" and then followed it up later with the phrase, "it's all good." I really think I took them by surprise because they all have this set image in their minds of what kind of person I am. As the semester is progressing and I'm spending more time teaching them, I think they're getting to know me a little better, and vice versa, which is an amazing thing. I really love my "job."
2.11.2006
Relationship Rundown
It's been a few days since my post about my counseling, and a few more since something big happened. On Wednesday Hubby and I finally talked about the big issue. It had been building up in me, and I asked him a simple question and things just went from there. We ended up talking, getting angry, upset, frustrated, and finally scared for quite a few hours that night. We ended up in our bed in the dark clinging to one another for dear life and crying. We are very different people, who sometimes want very different things and when things come to a head it sometimes looks like maybe we're too different and we're not right for each other. It always happens though, that once we calm down and start to talk about things a little more our differences are smaller than we think.
What brought this about was that I said I felt like we didn't spend enough time together. Hubby asked if I really felt that way since we spend about 3 hours every evening together. I guess it's just not "quality time" to me. I don't consider watching TV together every evening quality time, I'd rather go outside to a park or something like that. Hubby really isn't that big on the outdoors thing. He told me he felt like maybe I was just settling for him and I'd become unhappy because he doesn't like to do all of the same things I do, and he's not that interested in books and language, etc. like I am. We both freaked out, but then some clarity came.
I told him that what really matters to me is that we do fun things together to enjoy one another. The best way to do that is to vacation together, but since we don't have the money to do that, going to the park is my substitute. We agreed that starting next year we'll vacation together. That's really all I want, I just want to go see the world together, instead of just sitting on the couch watching it on the TV. He said he understood what I meant, and that he wants to do that too. Crisis averted. In the meantime we've been trying to be more affectionate and I think we're going to start playing more games, instead of watching TV. I think interaction is the key to "quality time."
The other big issue that I've been alluding to was solved as well. We agreed that he'd quit doing what bothered me so much if I quite doing something that bothered him. The funny thing is that my behavior was caused by his behavior, so now we have no problem at all. Last night was good. We got home at the same time, talked for a little bit and then did our own things for a few hours. I did homework, fixed up the pictures I took, and called my Nana. Hubby played his video-game for a few hours. When I was done, he was done with his game so we cooked dinner and ate together, then went to bed. It was perfect and just the way I want things. Here's to hoping they continue this way.
What brought this about was that I said I felt like we didn't spend enough time together. Hubby asked if I really felt that way since we spend about 3 hours every evening together. I guess it's just not "quality time" to me. I don't consider watching TV together every evening quality time, I'd rather go outside to a park or something like that. Hubby really isn't that big on the outdoors thing. He told me he felt like maybe I was just settling for him and I'd become unhappy because he doesn't like to do all of the same things I do, and he's not that interested in books and language, etc. like I am. We both freaked out, but then some clarity came.
I told him that what really matters to me is that we do fun things together to enjoy one another. The best way to do that is to vacation together, but since we don't have the money to do that, going to the park is my substitute. We agreed that starting next year we'll vacation together. That's really all I want, I just want to go see the world together, instead of just sitting on the couch watching it on the TV. He said he understood what I meant, and that he wants to do that too. Crisis averted. In the meantime we've been trying to be more affectionate and I think we're going to start playing more games, instead of watching TV. I think interaction is the key to "quality time."
The other big issue that I've been alluding to was solved as well. We agreed that he'd quit doing what bothered me so much if I quite doing something that bothered him. The funny thing is that my behavior was caused by his behavior, so now we have no problem at all. Last night was good. We got home at the same time, talked for a little bit and then did our own things for a few hours. I did homework, fixed up the pictures I took, and called my Nana. Hubby played his video-game for a few hours. When I was done, he was done with his game so we cooked dinner and ate together, then went to bed. It was perfect and just the way I want things. Here's to hoping they continue this way.
The Money is Gone
Weee! I just bought a bunch of shirts from Victoria's Secret. I know that I really shouldn't be spending my money on that kind of stuff, but they're having a big sale and some of the shirts that I've been drooling over for a while went on sale. Who can resist that? Not me. I bought 2 work-friendly shirts, and 2 summer-friendly shirts. I'd say that's a nice balance. I think I enjoy buying things too much.
2.10.2006
Soft
2.07.2006
Good Things
I started my counseling yesterday and it went well. The counselor validated some of my issues with Hubby which made me happy but sad at the same time. I felt guilty afterwards because I felt that I painted this picture of Hubby as a bad person. I aired all of my grievances, but never said a word about the wonderful things he has done as well. We didn't really work on a plan of action on how to deal with the Hubby issues yet, she wanted to work on the "me" issues for now. I feel like things are going to change for the positive as long as I continue "treatment" for a while.
And just for fun, here's a picture of our puppy chewing on a toy. I was just having fun with the different color settings on the camera.
And just for fun, here's a picture of our puppy chewing on a toy. I was just having fun with the different color settings on the camera.
2.03.2006
HOORAY!
I passed the Praxis II. I PASSED! I PASSED! I PASSED! It is official, as long as I graduate I am a teacher! It felt so good to hear that this morning. I also get an award for kicking much booty on one section of the test. That will look good on the ol' resume.
Other than that I spent the day in doctor's offices trying to see if my foot was broken. I dropped a full can of shaving cream on my foot in the shower this morning. The metal bottom part hit at an angle and fucked my world up. I now have a very large and very bruised right foot. The doctor says that if I keep ice on it and stay off my feet all weekend I should be OK to get back into the classroom on Monday.
Other than that I spent the day in doctor's offices trying to see if my foot was broken. I dropped a full can of shaving cream on my foot in the shower this morning. The metal bottom part hit at an angle and fucked my world up. I now have a very large and very bruised right foot. The doctor says that if I keep ice on it and stay off my feet all weekend I should be OK to get back into the classroom on Monday.
2.02.2006
rant...grumble...rant
The teaching is going really well so far. Yesterday I received an informal job offer from the principal of my school site. That was the super great and exciting news yesterday. Tomorrow I find out whether or not I passed my certification test, so send good vibes my way. At 7 AM I'll know. Those are the two really good things in my life.
I was thinking recently about how my life seems to be neatly compartmentalized, and wondering if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Professionally and academically I am on top of the world. I am excelling and successful and fulfilled. It is really great. Every day I walk into that school knowing that although it is tiring work, it makes me so happy. I'm really excited to see what the rest of this final semester holds for me because I feel like it can only be good things.
In contrast to my awesome successes in my professional/academic life, my personal life is a freakin train wreck. I'm a bit wigged out and pretty unhappy. My happiness with my professional life seems to underscore the disaster that has become my personal life, and it makes it all the more disappointing. I keep wondering how I can keep these two parts separate, and if they will stay that way or if one day in the classroom I'll just have a breakdown.
Of course, Hubby has no clue what is going on, and I know that is a huge sign that we have a big problem with communication, which is the key to a successful marriage. Yeah, you can stop making wagers on when I'll end up divorced. I'm not going to. This, like any other issue in a marriage is something we can work on and through to get to a better place. I just need to figure out how to properly communicate my feelings before I let this flood go. If I can speak with hubby clearly and calmly without placing blame or making him feel like a bad person, I will talk to him about my big fat issue and why I can't stand to be touched by him right now.
I feel bad though, because he has no idea what is brewing inside of me and I feel like it isn't fair to him to slowly stew on this for weeks and weeks and then just unleash it on him one day when he isn't suspecting it. But like I said, I'm hoping to be able to talk to him in a civilized manner and not really "unleash" it. I don't know when that is going to happen though. I have a meeting with a counselor Monday, but I feel a little weird just talking about this problem. Especially since this counselor is a PhD. student at my school. Hopefully when I meet her things will feel better than I'm imagining them and everything will be ok.
This blog is surely boring for anyone but me, but I need a place to just get out my thoughts and feelings on this subject and get my thoughts in order before I decide on a course of action. I'm hoping that course of action comes soon though because I find myself becoming a more bitter and bitchy woman every day. I don't like that lady one bit, and I'm sure Hubby doesn't either.
P.S. I find it odd that the spell-checker on a blog doesn't recognize the word "blog."
I was thinking recently about how my life seems to be neatly compartmentalized, and wondering if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Professionally and academically I am on top of the world. I am excelling and successful and fulfilled. It is really great. Every day I walk into that school knowing that although it is tiring work, it makes me so happy. I'm really excited to see what the rest of this final semester holds for me because I feel like it can only be good things.
In contrast to my awesome successes in my professional/academic life, my personal life is a freakin train wreck. I'm a bit wigged out and pretty unhappy. My happiness with my professional life seems to underscore the disaster that has become my personal life, and it makes it all the more disappointing. I keep wondering how I can keep these two parts separate, and if they will stay that way or if one day in the classroom I'll just have a breakdown.
Of course, Hubby has no clue what is going on, and I know that is a huge sign that we have a big problem with communication, which is the key to a successful marriage. Yeah, you can stop making wagers on when I'll end up divorced. I'm not going to. This, like any other issue in a marriage is something we can work on and through to get to a better place. I just need to figure out how to properly communicate my feelings before I let this flood go. If I can speak with hubby clearly and calmly without placing blame or making him feel like a bad person, I will talk to him about my big fat issue and why I can't stand to be touched by him right now.
I feel bad though, because he has no idea what is brewing inside of me and I feel like it isn't fair to him to slowly stew on this for weeks and weeks and then just unleash it on him one day when he isn't suspecting it. But like I said, I'm hoping to be able to talk to him in a civilized manner and not really "unleash" it. I don't know when that is going to happen though. I have a meeting with a counselor Monday, but I feel a little weird just talking about this problem. Especially since this counselor is a PhD. student at my school. Hopefully when I meet her things will feel better than I'm imagining them and everything will be ok.
This blog is surely boring for anyone but me, but I need a place to just get out my thoughts and feelings on this subject and get my thoughts in order before I decide on a course of action. I'm hoping that course of action comes soon though because I find myself becoming a more bitter and bitchy woman every day. I don't like that lady one bit, and I'm sure Hubby doesn't either.
P.S. I find it odd that the spell-checker on a blog doesn't recognize the word "blog."
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