Maybe I'm Not Up for Being a Victim of Love

I'm so tired of my life right now. This living purgatory I'm trapped in just isn't working. I just want to sleep through the next 5 days. Wednesday is D-Day. I feel like that will be the day the verdict will be handed down. The direction of the rest of my life is trapped in one little box on the calendar. Will he decide to try to make it work, or will he decide he can't? Either way I'll be glad to have the shaking stop. I'm not sure my nerves will hold out much longer.

Depression Settles In

As each day passes I become less and less hopeful that my marriage is going to survive. Hubby and I have had several talks about our marriage, what we wantto change, what we think can change, and the effort that is going to be required. I made it clear to Hubby that I was willing to work as hard as need be to make things work between us. I did not take our marriage vows lightly.

I asked Hubby for a statement of his commitment to making things work. He said he could not promise me anything, because he didn't want to hurt me more if he broke his promise. He says that if the counselor tells him he has to change himself or his life he's not going to do it. That doesn't leave me much hope.

At one point in our discussion he said the phrase, "I feel like I want to let you go, but I can't."
In response, through a heavy stream of tears, I responded, "If you want to let me go you need to. I'm not trying to be mean, but I need to take care of myself too. I don't want to waste years of my life with someone who doesn't really want to be with me."
His reply: "I know. I am unhappy about a lot of things in our marriage, but I don't want to ever stop taking care of you." I don't know what to think anymore.

I told him that the ball was 100% in his court, because I really don't want to be with Hubby if he's just staying with me to keep from hurting me. I may have made the mistake of telling him that if we divorce I'm moving back west and I probably won't be able to talk to or be around him for a very long time. He says he hates to see me crying and hurting, and that he doesn't want to hurt me. He says he hates the thought of not being able to talk to me if we called it off. Honestly I don't know what he expects of me. I know I wouldn't be able to just get over the fact that our marriage is over. I know that every time I talked to him or was around him I would just be hurting and wishing for some miracle to make things the way they used to be. I'm already wishing that enough as it is.

I'm a total wreck. I'm so anxious that I can barely eat. I shake constantly. Sometimes I can fall asleep, sometimes I can't, but when I do I toss and turn and have nightmares. My stomach is a mess. I stopped crying for the most part though, I think my body is out of tears. I just want to know what is going to happen. I'm tired of feeling this way.

Where's the Rewind Button??

It's nearing 2:30 and I can't sleep. I have to be up at 5 and ready to teach 140 teenagers. I'm not sure how I'll do it; I guess lots of caffeene. I keep laying there in bed thinking about everything. I can't stand having my life in limbo. I can't stand feeling like my husband doesn't love me because the only hugs I've gotten in the past week have been forced by me. I'm hurting so much that I just want to scream. I just want it to go away. I want my normal life back.

I still don't believe in divorce

I thought a lot today about the possibility of divorce; about what it might be like and how it might be easier. I began to see how so many people in this country end up divorced. It seems like such an easier option than staying through the incredibly tough parts and working on a relationship. I thought today about moving back home to California, and about getting my own apartment near all of my old friends. I thought about being on my own for once in my life. I imagined having a night job and spending my days pursuing some type of acting or modeling career. I thought about going to parties and clubs with my friends. I thought about taking extended weekend camping trips, and traveling to all of the places in the world I want to go.

I thought about the handful of single people I know and how much fun their lives seem. Then I really thought about how empty and lonely that life would be. Sure, there would be friends and parties, but there would also be an empty apartment to come home to. Yes, I would see the places in the world I want to see, but I would do it alone and thinking about how much Hubby would enjoy being there too. I began to think about the fact that I really didn’t get to be in my 20’s. Hubby and I were engaged by the time I was 20 and married when I was 22. Now I’m 24 and have been to a club 2 times in my life. I thought about all of that, but then I thought about how the fun of the typical 20’s life seems so hollow compared to the fulfillment my successes have brought me.

Thinking of the word success made me reflect on the successes that lie ahead in life, both for me, and Hubby. I thought about Hubby getting his promotion in the next year and how much I want to be there when he gets it. How much I want to be by his side as he achieves his goals. How I want to beam proudly at him from our table at a banquet as he’s congratulated in some way or another for being the amazing person he is. That thought took me to my frustrations about his recent long hours at work and I began to really hear everything he has said to me about them in the past. I suddenly realized how much this means to him, and it made me ashamed for being so selfish and simply wanting him home to keep me company.

Hubby doesn’t have a college education, but he has an amazing work ethic and drive to succeed. He is making it to bigger and better places by hard work alone. I respect that so much and I finally understand how much this means to him. Not only is he doing this for himself though, he’s doing it for us. He’s doing it to provide a better home and life. I want to stand by his side and support him in this because his happiness and success really matter so much to me. I think I’ve lost track of some priorities along the way and somehow figured that all of my wants and desires should come first and that is just not fair to Hubby; both of our wants and desires should be met.

It could be so easy to give up, but I realize that my life would be so empty without Hubby. I want to share everything life has to offer with him. I want to go through all of the amazing successes with him. I want to support each other through the hard times, and come out with a stronger bond. I want to someday snuggle up on the couch in our dream home with glasses of wine in our hands and enjoy just being there in the moment where our hopes have come true. I want to share satisfied and content moments with him on Sunday morning in bed before we get up for the day.

I want so much to be a better person. I want to trust again (which I do know I can't do without his help). I want to stop being jealous and insecure. I want to believe in myself, my abilities, my husband, his love for me, and our marriage. I want to love, trust, and support Hubby. I want to share equally in both the blessings and the burdens of life, and I want all of those things to be returned. I want to rebuild what we have started, and continue together, for the rest of our lives, to create a life we can be proud of. I want to get over the jumble of ugliness that is in my head and just be happy. I think it’s possible. I know it won’t happen over night, but I am so ready to try my hardest. Without working on the insecurity and jealousy though, there will be nothing left of our marriage. I destroyed a lot of it by turning into this stranger in the mirror. I’m not who Hubby married, and I’m not who he fell in love with. I’m not particularly happy about, or proud of this jealous person I have become.

I guess it boils down to the fact that I thought a lot today about what it would be like to end our marriage; and as a fantasy it seemed so tempting, but as a reality I know it would not be what I wanted. Being married to Hubby is what I want and what makes me happy. Starting today I commit myself to working as hard as I can to make our marriage work. I hope that he is willing to make that same commitment. If he is, I have hope that we can get through this, and in the end re-commit ourselves and our lives to one another.

Wild Horses

Haunting, hollow voices
echo "Wild Horses"
as I sit
in my darkened car imagining
the results of leaving
the engine on
parked in our garage.

I wanted to be young,
romantic, and reckless.
Driving nowhere holding
hands and looking at the stars
through the roof
of the car we thought could take
us anywhere our love led us.

Instead we sit watching
as the stars rain
from the sky around
us. They are beautiful
as they fall
but will never illuminate
our sky again.

Somehow we're here
strangers in the same
house. Old and haggard in our prime.
Young, romantic, and reckless seem
to have passed us by like wild mustangs.
Can we run fast
enough to catch up?

Disappointment

I’m so upset and confused, and hurt, and disappointed. So disappointed. In a lot of people. I’m disappointed in a lot of things I’m so disappointed. I’m not sure what I was expecting when I said I’d marry Hubby, but I’m sure it wasn’t this. I’m disappointed in what our marriage has become. I didn’t sign on for his insane work hours, for him telling me he isn’t happy. I didn’t sign on to barely see him, and when I do for it to be when he’s on his way to the weight room. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say anymore. I locked him out of our room tonight when he hadn’t come home by 10. Maybe it wasn’t the most mature or brightest decision I’ve ever made, but I did it.

When he finally got home and wanted in around 10:45 I wouldn’t let him in. He tired the knob thinking it was broken, but it wasn’t then he knocked and asked me to open the door. I told him that there were two other beds in the house. He knocked a few more times and when I didn’t answer he went to another bedroom. I laid there for a minute and realized that it probably wasn’t the wisest move. I went to tell him he could come in our room and he had the other room locked. I guess I had that coming. I told him he could come in and he said he didn’t want to, and that he didn’t know why I locked the door.

Didn’t know??? Really and honestly he had no clue as to why I would lock him out of our room?? I’m so sure! I told him that I was angry because he keeps coming home between 8 and 10 every night form work. He’s been doing this for about a month now. I’m so tired of it. Maybe if those were his scheduled hours, but his scheduled hours are 8 to 6. He just stays late because he wants to. He keeps saying that it is for us. That he’s trying to get a promotion. My question is, if that is the case why is he still doing it after his boss already told him that he wouldn’t be able to give him the promotion.

He might then say that I shouldn’t complain because he’s using the money from his job to pay the house note and that he shouldn’t be locked out of any room in his house. But to that I say, somehow all of this other co-workers seem to get home to their wives and children at a decent time, and still pay for their house. Why is it that he has to stay so late???

He needs to draw some kind of line. He needs to let it go at some point. Staying at work until 10 isn’t healthy. I’m beginning to think that he’s turned into a workaholic. The one night he told me he was going to get off at a decent time his boss came in last minute with a bottle of champagne and said that they needed to celebrate the New Year. So what did he do?? He stayed at work for another 2 hours to hang out with his boss instead of me. That doesn’t really make me feel that great.

I’m not quite sure what he’s trying to do with working all of these late hours. He knows I have trust issues and sometimes I think he’s doing it just to test me and see how much I trust him. Tonight I wanted so badly to get in my car and drive to his work to make sure he was there, but that is crazy Jane talking, so instead I just stewed. Just lime I’m stewing now. I should be in bed. I’ve got 140 9th graders that need me alert and ready to teach them tomorrow. But instead I’ll end up groggy and irritated at them for nothing they did. Part of me is writing this right now just to annoy him because he’s in the next room. I don’t want him to be able to sleep if I can’t sleep.

I tried calling Penny. She talked to me for about 10 seconds before she said her daughter had come into her room, and she needed to tend to her. She said she’d call me back, and still she hasn’t called. I need someone to talk to so badly. I just am so frustrated and disappointed. I sat and listened while Penny cried into the phone to me for hours when she was going through the problems with her divorce, but she can’t take the time to listen to me as I’m freaking out about my husband.

My therapist cancelled 5 appointments in a row on me and Hubby about 3 months ago. I never called to schedule another appointment. She never called me to get me to come back in. I’m disappointed that someone who said that they cared about me, someone who would hug me and tell me they loved me at the end of every session never called to check on me, never wanted to make sure that I was OK. I just feel very un-cared for right now. My husband doesn’t want to be around me, my closest friend can’t find the time to talk to me when I need her, my therapist doesn’t care if I’m doing OK.

I know this might sound like a little bitch-fest/pity party, and you know what, it is, but I really don’t care. I’m hurt and I want to get my feelings out. Why are things this way? Why can’t everything be peachy? Why did I lock the door? Why won’t Hubby come into our room now? What is tomorrow going to be like? Why am I so dumb? What the hell did I get myself into? Am I ever going to be happy with things the way they are??

I had a thought about that the other day. Why can’t I just let things be? Why am I never happy with things the way they are? Am I self-destructive? Am I just a total psycho? Am I a perfectionist in the weirdest places of my life where there will never be perfection? Sometimes I can’t stand myself. Why the hell can’t I just be normal? Or is this normal?

I take Lexapro for depression and anxiety, Depakote for leg twitches (and I have a sneaking suspicion bi-polar disorder), Provigil for Excessive Daytime Sleepiness, and Yasmin because I’m so totally fucked up that I can’t even imagine being able to take care of another human being. This is me.