Disappointment

I’m so upset and confused, and hurt, and disappointed. So disappointed. In a lot of people. I’m disappointed in a lot of things I’m so disappointed. I’m not sure what I was expecting when I said I’d marry Hubby, but I’m sure it wasn’t this. I’m disappointed in what our marriage has become. I didn’t sign on for his insane work hours, for him telling me he isn’t happy. I didn’t sign on to barely see him, and when I do for it to be when he’s on his way to the weight room. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say anymore. I locked him out of our room tonight when he hadn’t come home by 10. Maybe it wasn’t the most mature or brightest decision I’ve ever made, but I did it.

When he finally got home and wanted in around 10:45 I wouldn’t let him in. He tired the knob thinking it was broken, but it wasn’t then he knocked and asked me to open the door. I told him that there were two other beds in the house. He knocked a few more times and when I didn’t answer he went to another bedroom. I laid there for a minute and realized that it probably wasn’t the wisest move. I went to tell him he could come in our room and he had the other room locked. I guess I had that coming. I told him he could come in and he said he didn’t want to, and that he didn’t know why I locked the door.

Didn’t know??? Really and honestly he had no clue as to why I would lock him out of our room?? I’m so sure! I told him that I was angry because he keeps coming home between 8 and 10 every night form work. He’s been doing this for about a month now. I’m so tired of it. Maybe if those were his scheduled hours, but his scheduled hours are 8 to 6. He just stays late because he wants to. He keeps saying that it is for us. That he’s trying to get a promotion. My question is, if that is the case why is he still doing it after his boss already told him that he wouldn’t be able to give him the promotion.

He might then say that I shouldn’t complain because he’s using the money from his job to pay the house note and that he shouldn’t be locked out of any room in his house. But to that I say, somehow all of this other co-workers seem to get home to their wives and children at a decent time, and still pay for their house. Why is it that he has to stay so late???

He needs to draw some kind of line. He needs to let it go at some point. Staying at work until 10 isn’t healthy. I’m beginning to think that he’s turned into a workaholic. The one night he told me he was going to get off at a decent time his boss came in last minute with a bottle of champagne and said that they needed to celebrate the New Year. So what did he do?? He stayed at work for another 2 hours to hang out with his boss instead of me. That doesn’t really make me feel that great.

I’m not quite sure what he’s trying to do with working all of these late hours. He knows I have trust issues and sometimes I think he’s doing it just to test me and see how much I trust him. Tonight I wanted so badly to get in my car and drive to his work to make sure he was there, but that is crazy Jane talking, so instead I just stewed. Just lime I’m stewing now. I should be in bed. I’ve got 140 9th graders that need me alert and ready to teach them tomorrow. But instead I’ll end up groggy and irritated at them for nothing they did. Part of me is writing this right now just to annoy him because he’s in the next room. I don’t want him to be able to sleep if I can’t sleep.

I tried calling Penny. She talked to me for about 10 seconds before she said her daughter had come into her room, and she needed to tend to her. She said she’d call me back, and still she hasn’t called. I need someone to talk to so badly. I just am so frustrated and disappointed. I sat and listened while Penny cried into the phone to me for hours when she was going through the problems with her divorce, but she can’t take the time to listen to me as I’m freaking out about my husband.

My therapist cancelled 5 appointments in a row on me and Hubby about 3 months ago. I never called to schedule another appointment. She never called me to get me to come back in. I’m disappointed that someone who said that they cared about me, someone who would hug me and tell me they loved me at the end of every session never called to check on me, never wanted to make sure that I was OK. I just feel very un-cared for right now. My husband doesn’t want to be around me, my closest friend can’t find the time to talk to me when I need her, my therapist doesn’t care if I’m doing OK.

I know this might sound like a little bitch-fest/pity party, and you know what, it is, but I really don’t care. I’m hurt and I want to get my feelings out. Why are things this way? Why can’t everything be peachy? Why did I lock the door? Why won’t Hubby come into our room now? What is tomorrow going to be like? Why am I so dumb? What the hell did I get myself into? Am I ever going to be happy with things the way they are??

I had a thought about that the other day. Why can’t I just let things be? Why am I never happy with things the way they are? Am I self-destructive? Am I just a total psycho? Am I a perfectionist in the weirdest places of my life where there will never be perfection? Sometimes I can’t stand myself. Why the hell can’t I just be normal? Or is this normal?

I take Lexapro for depression and anxiety, Depakote for leg twitches (and I have a sneaking suspicion bi-polar disorder), Provigil for Excessive Daytime Sleepiness, and Yasmin because I’m so totally fucked up that I can’t even imagine being able to take care of another human being. This is me.