I still don't believe in divorce

I thought a lot today about the possibility of divorce; about what it might be like and how it might be easier. I began to see how so many people in this country end up divorced. It seems like such an easier option than staying through the incredibly tough parts and working on a relationship. I thought today about moving back home to California, and about getting my own apartment near all of my old friends. I thought about being on my own for once in my life. I imagined having a night job and spending my days pursuing some type of acting or modeling career. I thought about going to parties and clubs with my friends. I thought about taking extended weekend camping trips, and traveling to all of the places in the world I want to go.

I thought about the handful of single people I know and how much fun their lives seem. Then I really thought about how empty and lonely that life would be. Sure, there would be friends and parties, but there would also be an empty apartment to come home to. Yes, I would see the places in the world I want to see, but I would do it alone and thinking about how much Hubby would enjoy being there too. I began to think about the fact that I really didn’t get to be in my 20’s. Hubby and I were engaged by the time I was 20 and married when I was 22. Now I’m 24 and have been to a club 2 times in my life. I thought about all of that, but then I thought about how the fun of the typical 20’s life seems so hollow compared to the fulfillment my successes have brought me.

Thinking of the word success made me reflect on the successes that lie ahead in life, both for me, and Hubby. I thought about Hubby getting his promotion in the next year and how much I want to be there when he gets it. How much I want to be by his side as he achieves his goals. How I want to beam proudly at him from our table at a banquet as he’s congratulated in some way or another for being the amazing person he is. That thought took me to my frustrations about his recent long hours at work and I began to really hear everything he has said to me about them in the past. I suddenly realized how much this means to him, and it made me ashamed for being so selfish and simply wanting him home to keep me company.

Hubby doesn’t have a college education, but he has an amazing work ethic and drive to succeed. He is making it to bigger and better places by hard work alone. I respect that so much and I finally understand how much this means to him. Not only is he doing this for himself though, he’s doing it for us. He’s doing it to provide a better home and life. I want to stand by his side and support him in this because his happiness and success really matter so much to me. I think I’ve lost track of some priorities along the way and somehow figured that all of my wants and desires should come first and that is just not fair to Hubby; both of our wants and desires should be met.

It could be so easy to give up, but I realize that my life would be so empty without Hubby. I want to share everything life has to offer with him. I want to go through all of the amazing successes with him. I want to support each other through the hard times, and come out with a stronger bond. I want to someday snuggle up on the couch in our dream home with glasses of wine in our hands and enjoy just being there in the moment where our hopes have come true. I want to share satisfied and content moments with him on Sunday morning in bed before we get up for the day.

I want so much to be a better person. I want to trust again (which I do know I can't do without his help). I want to stop being jealous and insecure. I want to believe in myself, my abilities, my husband, his love for me, and our marriage. I want to love, trust, and support Hubby. I want to share equally in both the blessings and the burdens of life, and I want all of those things to be returned. I want to rebuild what we have started, and continue together, for the rest of our lives, to create a life we can be proud of. I want to get over the jumble of ugliness that is in my head and just be happy. I think it’s possible. I know it won’t happen over night, but I am so ready to try my hardest. Without working on the insecurity and jealousy though, there will be nothing left of our marriage. I destroyed a lot of it by turning into this stranger in the mirror. I’m not who Hubby married, and I’m not who he fell in love with. I’m not particularly happy about, or proud of this jealous person I have become.

I guess it boils down to the fact that I thought a lot today about what it would be like to end our marriage; and as a fantasy it seemed so tempting, but as a reality I know it would not be what I wanted. Being married to Hubby is what I want and what makes me happy. Starting today I commit myself to working as hard as I can to make our marriage work. I hope that he is willing to make that same commitment. If he is, I have hope that we can get through this, and in the end re-commit ourselves and our lives to one another.