Depression Settles In

As each day passes I become less and less hopeful that my marriage is going to survive. Hubby and I have had several talks about our marriage, what we wantto change, what we think can change, and the effort that is going to be required. I made it clear to Hubby that I was willing to work as hard as need be to make things work between us. I did not take our marriage vows lightly.

I asked Hubby for a statement of his commitment to making things work. He said he could not promise me anything, because he didn't want to hurt me more if he broke his promise. He says that if the counselor tells him he has to change himself or his life he's not going to do it. That doesn't leave me much hope.

At one point in our discussion he said the phrase, "I feel like I want to let you go, but I can't."
In response, through a heavy stream of tears, I responded, "If you want to let me go you need to. I'm not trying to be mean, but I need to take care of myself too. I don't want to waste years of my life with someone who doesn't really want to be with me."
His reply: "I know. I am unhappy about a lot of things in our marriage, but I don't want to ever stop taking care of you." I don't know what to think anymore.

I told him that the ball was 100% in his court, because I really don't want to be with Hubby if he's just staying with me to keep from hurting me. I may have made the mistake of telling him that if we divorce I'm moving back west and I probably won't be able to talk to or be around him for a very long time. He says he hates to see me crying and hurting, and that he doesn't want to hurt me. He says he hates the thought of not being able to talk to me if we called it off. Honestly I don't know what he expects of me. I know I wouldn't be able to just get over the fact that our marriage is over. I know that every time I talked to him or was around him I would just be hurting and wishing for some miracle to make things the way they used to be. I'm already wishing that enough as it is.

I'm a total wreck. I'm so anxious that I can barely eat. I shake constantly. Sometimes I can fall asleep, sometimes I can't, but when I do I toss and turn and have nightmares. My stomach is a mess. I stopped crying for the most part though, I think my body is out of tears. I just want to know what is going to happen. I'm tired of feeling this way.