An Open Letter

Man I've Been Dating,

I wasn't ready. I told you and you didn't believe me. You thought you could change me. You can't. That is the one thing I learned. You can't change someone. Never, never, never! You can help someone change if they want to, but you can't make them do it if they don't. There is too much pressure. You want too much from me. I can't give you what you want. I kept telling you. You said you'd wait. You didn't understand that you could wait forever, it's not happening. I don't want you to wait. I want you to be happy. I am not the future wife you are looking for. Stop asking me for what I can't provide, it only makes me feel worse.

I am still sad. I am still holding on. I am still feeling hurt. I am still searching for the truth that I deserve. I can't be who you need me to be.

Sincerely,
Jane

Where am I going??????

I get the feeling that things with my new guy are going a little too far too quickly. I am so confused and mixed up. I realy like him a lot, and I've neve rhad anyone be so sweet to me, but I'm not sure I'm ready for what he's offering. I keep telling him exactly how I feel. I keep telling him that I'm not ready for anything serious, etc. but I'm not sure he's getting it. He keeps telling me he'll wait as long as it takes, etc.

He came over last night and hung out, then we went to bed and he made me waffles this morning. I woke up and kept thinking to myself that although I like him, I'm not ready to commit myself to him. I find myself less attracted to him, and I think it has to do with how much he likes me. I think he kind of scares me. I know I should just go with it and enjoy it, but I'm worried. I am so scared that I'll break his heart. He's a virgin and has made it clear that he'd like to lose it to me, but I just don't think I can let him do that. He's looking for a wife, and I am so not ready to be one.

I love hnaging out with him, he makes me smile and laugh. We have a great time, and I love the fact that he lives downtown. I want to back things off a little, but I have no idea how to do it without hurting him. I am so confused. I don't think I was ready for this. The pressure is getting ot me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to hurt him, but I'm so worried about it.

Wild Child

While I am enjoying my new dating life, my poor sleep cycle is not. I am so ridiculously tired all the time. I really must stop running around at all hours of the night like a young lady of my age should be. Last night I was out until 11 with my new beau. Today as I administer a test to my children, I find myself feeling the tug of sleepiness. I will not give in. I never do, but so help me, it is tempting.

Single, for how long?

The date went amazingly well last night. I met up with him at 6 and did not get home until a little after midnight. We ate dinner, we bowled, we played ski-ball and air hockey. After that we walked around downtown and ended up in a bar with a live blues band. After hanging out and listening for a while they played a slow song and he asked me to dance. He asked me to dance!! The last time a man danced with me was when Ex Hubby danced with me at our wedding. I find this dancing a wonderful and romantic thing. At the end of our dance I was twirled. Being twirled is a great thing! As we walked to my car holding hands he stopped and asked if he could kiss me. I said yes. 'Twas a good kiss. So far this has been the best date I've ever been on.

We're going out again tonight, and I haven't stopped smiling since last night. I really didn't want a boyfriend, but I think I may end up with one.

Trials and Tribulations

I am so ridiculously tired! I couldn't sleep last night because I was so excited about tomorrow. I have sleeping pills, but they turn me into a zombie for the entire next day, so I was S.O.L. Today I had to work, thenI was supposed to come home, then run out to my doctor. When I got home I saw that my folks had FedExed me a check, so I had to run to the bank, then back home to let the dog out, then back out to go to the doctor. As I had just gotten on the freeway, his office called and said he was back up and I could reschedule if I wanted. Apparently the gods were feeling kind today! I rescheduled my appointment, headed home and now here I sit.

I am so hungry, yet I have no energy to get up and make something. Add to that the fact that when my blood sugar dips below a certain level (which it has) I have even less energy than normal and it is almost unbearable to stand for any length of time over a minute. Another reason why I miss living with someone. After he was done yelling at me for letting my blood sugar get so low, Ex Hubby would get up and make me a protein filled snack. Oh well, I'll go get some string cheese that I bought specifically for instances like this.

I am going to sleep like a baby tonight (hopefully). I don't see how I couldn't with how tired I am right now. I can't believe my date is tomorrow!! Wee!

Wednesday

Is it Wednesday yet?? Ahhhh! I know I shouldn't be this excited about my date, but I can't help it. I talked to him again today and he just cracked me up. I just want to keep talking to him because he makes me smile and laugh so much. I know it's not a good idea to be so available and willing to talk, but I can't help it. I hope I'm not getting excited over nothing. It would really suck if I got there and he wasn't as charing or funny in person. At least we've talked on the phone and he was still really funny.

I have no idea what to expect. We made a bet today that the loser of the bowling game has to buy dessert. I had no idea we were eating, I thought we were just going bowling, but now apparently there is food involved. ill we be having dinner? Will it just be bowling and dessert? I have no idea. It has been far too long since I've been on a date. I just hope he kisses me. I really want to kiss him already.

I have a date!

It is official. I have my first PD (post divocre) date. I am going out Wednesday night with a guy I met online. His name is B and he just moved to my town a few months ago from up north. He is 30 and is working in radio and as a bellman at a local swanky hotel until he gets a regular gig at one of the radio stations in town. Apparently he moved here kind of on a whim, with no job or anything, which I really think is pretty cool. It sounds like something I would be tempted to do. We've been talking online and on the phone and he just cracks me up every time I talk to him, which is a huge turn on in my book. Fun and laughter are the ultimate aphrodisiacs for me.

We are going to meet up near his apartment downtown and do some bowling. We are both pretty bad at it, so we've decided a request for bumpers is in order. I can't exactly explain how I am feeling about this. Part of me thinks that maybe it is too soon to be dating again, but part of me is so happy to have a date. I am so mixed up though, I keep getting ahead of myself and wondering abpout the future of things if we hit it off.

I don't really want a boyfriend right now, but I don't want to not hang out with him if I like him. I guess I should probably just take things one day at a time and just see how the date goes. I thought about the possibility of kissing another man. I haven't kissed anyone but Ex Hubby in 5 years. How will it feel? Will I be OK with it?? I can't even imagine having sex with anyone else. No one but EH has seen me naked in 5 years. Yikes!

Milestone

So it looks like tomorrow I may have my very first date since becoming single. The guy seems very nice, and extremely funny, which is a total must. I'm a little nervous, but mostly excited. It will be a day-time date. We are supposed to meet up and go bowling. I'm hoping. We will see. Either way, I'm glad that I'm feeling excitement over these things instead of sadness.

Thought for the Day

As of late my apartment has taken on the very odd aroma of pepperoni. I am smart enough to understand that people's dwellings often take on the smell of the person. And so I have found myself silently wondering: Do I smell like pepperoni?

Cold or No Cold

I was sick last week. I felt crappy on Monday, and even worse on Tuesday. I took Wednesday off because I felt to shitty to go to work. The whole time I'd been using this Zicam stuff to try to shorten the length of the the cold. Thursday I felt better, Friday even better, and Saturday I felt fine. Today I woke up with a sore throat. My sinuses have been draining all day. I can't figure out whether the cold is resurfacing or whether it is just allergies. Penny invited me to come over and hang out with her and the kids but I'm too worried that the cold might be coming back, and then I'd get all of them sick. I am so tired, which is not a good sign. Maybe if I go to bed early and take some Zicam I'll be all right.

Work it out!

I started a new workout regimen yesterday. I figure if I'm going to spend 2 weeks on the beach in a bikini, I might as well look good doing it. I am by no means overweight, in fact, I'm underweight. Somehow my butt is saggy and my tummy is flabby. I guess it is from all the muscle I used to have there that went away. So now I'm working out again, targeting my abs and butt. I'm hoping to see some results in about 6 weeks. I took pictures of the target areas yesterday, and I'm going to take weekly pictures to see if there are any noticeable improvements. I feel good about this, it is a positive life change. I am trying to do anything that keeps me from just sitting at the house moping around about the fact that I am getting a divorce.