Where am I going??????

I get the feeling that things with my new guy are going a little too far too quickly. I am so confused and mixed up. I realy like him a lot, and I've neve rhad anyone be so sweet to me, but I'm not sure I'm ready for what he's offering. I keep telling him exactly how I feel. I keep telling him that I'm not ready for anything serious, etc. but I'm not sure he's getting it. He keeps telling me he'll wait as long as it takes, etc.

He came over last night and hung out, then we went to bed and he made me waffles this morning. I woke up and kept thinking to myself that although I like him, I'm not ready to commit myself to him. I find myself less attracted to him, and I think it has to do with how much he likes me. I think he kind of scares me. I know I should just go with it and enjoy it, but I'm worried. I am so scared that I'll break his heart. He's a virgin and has made it clear that he'd like to lose it to me, but I just don't think I can let him do that. He's looking for a wife, and I am so not ready to be one.

I love hnaging out with him, he makes me smile and laugh. We have a great time, and I love the fact that he lives downtown. I want to back things off a little, but I have no idea how to do it without hurting him. I am so confused. I don't think I was ready for this. The pressure is getting ot me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to hurt him, but I'm so worried about it.

Wild Child

While I am enjoying my new dating life, my poor sleep cycle is not. I am so ridiculously tired all the time. I really must stop running around at all hours of the night like a young lady of my age should be. Last night I was out until 11 with my new beau. Today as I administer a test to my children, I find myself feeling the tug of sleepiness. I will not give in. I never do, but so help me, it is tempting.

Single, for how long?

The date went amazingly well last night. I met up with him at 6 and did not get home until a little after midnight. We ate dinner, we bowled, we played ski-ball and air hockey. After that we walked around downtown and ended up in a bar with a live blues band. After hanging out and listening for a while they played a slow song and he asked me to dance. He asked me to dance!! The last time a man danced with me was when Ex Hubby danced with me at our wedding. I find this dancing a wonderful and romantic thing. At the end of our dance I was twirled. Being twirled is a great thing! As we walked to my car holding hands he stopped and asked if he could kiss me. I said yes. 'Twas a good kiss. So far this has been the best date I've ever been on.

We're going out again tonight, and I haven't stopped smiling since last night. I really didn't want a boyfriend, but I think I may end up with one.

Trials and Tribulations

I am so ridiculously tired! I couldn't sleep last night because I was so excited about tomorrow. I have sleeping pills, but they turn me into a zombie for the entire next day, so I was S.O.L. Today I had to work, thenI was supposed to come home, then run out to my doctor. When I got home I saw that my folks had FedExed me a check, so I had to run to the bank, then back home to let the dog out, then back out to go to the doctor. As I had just gotten on the freeway, his office called and said he was back up and I could reschedule if I wanted. Apparently the gods were feeling kind today! I rescheduled my appointment, headed home and now here I sit.

I am so hungry, yet I have no energy to get up and make something. Add to that the fact that when my blood sugar dips below a certain level (which it has) I have even less energy than normal and it is almost unbearable to stand for any length of time over a minute. Another reason why I miss living with someone. After he was done yelling at me for letting my blood sugar get so low, Ex Hubby would get up and make me a protein filled snack. Oh well, I'll go get some string cheese that I bought specifically for instances like this.

I am going to sleep like a baby tonight (hopefully). I don't see how I couldn't with how tired I am right now. I can't believe my date is tomorrow!! Wee!

Wednesday

Is it Wednesday yet?? Ahhhh! I know I shouldn't be this excited about my date, but I can't help it. I talked to him again today and he just cracked me up. I just want to keep talking to him because he makes me smile and laugh so much. I know it's not a good idea to be so available and willing to talk, but I can't help it. I hope I'm not getting excited over nothing. It would really suck if I got there and he wasn't as charing or funny in person. At least we've talked on the phone and he was still really funny.

I have no idea what to expect. We made a bet today that the loser of the bowling game has to buy dessert. I had no idea we were eating, I thought we were just going bowling, but now apparently there is food involved. ill we be having dinner? Will it just be bowling and dessert? I have no idea. It has been far too long since I've been on a date. I just hope he kisses me. I really want to kiss him already.

I have a date!

It is official. I have my first PD (post divocre) date. I am going out Wednesday night with a guy I met online. His name is B and he just moved to my town a few months ago from up north. He is 30 and is working in radio and as a bellman at a local swanky hotel until he gets a regular gig at one of the radio stations in town. Apparently he moved here kind of on a whim, with no job or anything, which I really think is pretty cool. It sounds like something I would be tempted to do. We've been talking online and on the phone and he just cracks me up every time I talk to him, which is a huge turn on in my book. Fun and laughter are the ultimate aphrodisiacs for me.

We are going to meet up near his apartment downtown and do some bowling. We are both pretty bad at it, so we've decided a request for bumpers is in order. I can't exactly explain how I am feeling about this. Part of me thinks that maybe it is too soon to be dating again, but part of me is so happy to have a date. I am so mixed up though, I keep getting ahead of myself and wondering abpout the future of things if we hit it off.

I don't really want a boyfriend right now, but I don't want to not hang out with him if I like him. I guess I should probably just take things one day at a time and just see how the date goes. I thought about the possibility of kissing another man. I haven't kissed anyone but Ex Hubby in 5 years. How will it feel? Will I be OK with it?? I can't even imagine having sex with anyone else. No one but EH has seen me naked in 5 years. Yikes!

Milestone

So it looks like tomorrow I may have my very first date since becoming single. The guy seems very nice, and extremely funny, which is a total must. I'm a little nervous, but mostly excited. It will be a day-time date. We are supposed to meet up and go bowling. I'm hoping. We will see. Either way, I'm glad that I'm feeling excitement over these things instead of sadness.

Forward Progress

I applied for and was approved for my first apartment on Thursday. I'm so excited about the fact that I qualified for it all on my own. I ended up leasing the one that I wrote about in the previous entry. I should be moving in next Saturday. I went out and bought some new dishes and glasses for my new place. I also got a few decorations. Hopefully by the end of this week I'll have my new futon for the living room along with a coffee table and an end table.

This still all seems so weird and surreal. I can't believe that I'm getting divorced from Hubby. Sometimes I think that this is something that will be so good for my life, but sometimes I feel like maybe I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. I still love and am in love with Hubby, but I just don't think we're good for each other. I miss him a lot though. I went to the house this morning to pick up some things and we hung out for a minute. I wish he weren't such a likable guy. I told him that I am really seeing his idea that we can be friends. I think it would be quite a while from now, but I like him as a person and he's a fun guy. I'm just not sure if I could ever hang out with him as a friend and not remember all of the memories we have as a couple. I guess only time will tell.

I'm going out to dinner with my friend Sunny tonight to get my mind off of things. We were supposed to be going out in a local college town tonight, but her in-laws came into town early and she has to spend time with them. We made plans to go out and shake our booties another night. I know it is going to take a while, but I'm just so ready to feel OK again.

Ass Backwards, but its All Right

I moved out of the house last night. Something happened that made me realize that I don't think I will ever be able to trust Hubby. I confronted him about it and he denied it of course, like he always does, and I doubted him like I always do. We both realized that this is not how a marriage should work. I think that at this point too much has happened and I don't think I can get over the trust issues. I am so very tired of justifying the things he does. I think I deserve better things than what this marriage has held. I deserve to be loved and made feel special. I deserve to be with someone who will do the silliest things with me just because he wants to be around me. I know these things may sound trivial but it is so much bigger than that. I am so freaked out but excited at the same time. I am about to embark on a whole new chapter of my life.

I went looking at apartments today and I think I found a really nice place. It is 820 square feet. It has a washer and dryer in the unit, a fully equipped kitchen, a huge walk in closet, a 4x6 storage area right outside the apartment, vaulted ceilings, a balcony, and all utilities are paid, except electric. The complex has a golf course, a pool, a pond, a gym, and a tanning salon. They would allow me to bring the puppy, which is the best thing ever. The only drawback is that it is 45 minutes away from work. The good part about that is that my chances of running into Hubby at the grocery store or a restaurant are slim to none. I have a few more places to look at over the next few days, but by the end of this week I should be the proud renter of my very first apartment.

Somehow I've ended up doing it backwards. I spent my early 20's married, and now I'm about to spend the rest of my life on my own.

Ticking Time Bomb

I'm beginning to realize that the longer Hubby takes to decide what he wants, the more hurt I am. Every day that he takes to decide hurts me more. Every day that he acts like it is a chore to hug me, every day that he doesn't kiss me or tell me he loves me is a day where his desirability dies a little bit to me. The longer he takes to figure it out, the harder it will be for me to feel secure, happy, loved, or even willing to be in the marriage if he decides that this marriage is what he wants. I hate to say it, but it is the truth. The longer he takes, the angrier I get. The longer he takes, the more I get used to the idea of not being married to him.