Unrequited Friendship

Hubby is at a business networking dinner thing that I'm not allowed to accompany him to. I can't wait until he gets home. He bought a new suit for the occasion and he looks amazing. I got home and just wanted to rip it off of him.

He and I had a really good, open and honest talk last night. I think we're continuing to take steps in the right direction. I talked a lot to my friend Penny from work (who is going through a divorce) about things. It's interesting to get a perspective from someone who's marriage has failed. She and I are getting closer, as Sunny and I seem to be drifting apart.

Sunny's got a new friend in her town who is pregnant, who I imagine is more fun and interesting to her since Hubby and I are enjoying living a frivolous child-free life, and Sunny and her husband are trying to have a baby. I imagine once she gets pregnant and has the baby we will continue to drift further. There are people who can maintain adult relationships and be parents, and there are those who can't. I get the feeling she will be one of those who can't. I may be wrong, but I'm just not sure how to read her anymore.

I don't know how I do it, but somehow I end up making friends with people who only want to be my friend for a little while, which blows considering my husband and my friends are all I have left now with my family no longer living here. If you don't want to hear my bitching, close the window now. I think maybe I'm too good of a friend. I am available and there for my friends when they need me. When they call at midnight, I answer the phone to listen to them cry to me, but never seem to get the same treatment from others. Maybe I'm just a rare and dying breed, maybe people today just don't understand that friendship has to be a 2 way road. Either way, maybe someday I'll meet a friend who will happily be there for me as much as I am for them.

Alone

I'm having a lonesome day. I'm just really down, which may have something to do with the fact that I haven't taken my medication in a week (I keep forgetting to have it refilled). I texted Sunny to see what she was doing today, and she's out shopping with her mom and grandma, which made me want to cry. I'm lonely and need a friend to be around and my one really close friend here is out with her mother. Must be nice. It made me really miss my mom. So I called her to talk and take some of the ache away and she's not home. She's been gone for a month. It sucks. She was always the friend that I could count on when no one else was around. She was always up for lunch or a quick trip out anywhere. I'm down, and its not fun. I just want to smile & laugh.

Reaching Out

I have a co-worker with whom I have cultivated a budding friendship. She is fun and open-minded, and we make each other laugh about the stressful things that come with being a teacher. Right now she's going through a very rough patch in her life. She is in the process of a divorce, and a new relationship she had started has ended. She called me in tears last night, and I listened because I knew there was nothing else I could do for her. She's hit the bottom; she doesn't care what happens to her. This is hard because I know exactly where she is. We may have gone through different situations, but I know the feeling she has right now and I know there is nothing anyone could say or do.

She is taking positive steps towards recovery. She has made an appointment to see a counselor today. She needed to do this not only for herself, but for her two beautiful daughters. I remember my childhood, and the times when mommy was locked in her room crying for hours and my sister and I were left wondering what was wrong with her. Her daughters don't have to go through that, and I'm glad. I just wish there was more that I could do for her. I think she is reluctant to lean on me for support because we are such new friends. In fact, she said pretty much those exact words last night. I reminded her that although we are new friends, I am not new to being a friend.

It's so hard to listen and watch as she goes through this. I just want to make it all better. She's a wonderful person, and she deserves happiness. I know she'll find it, it just may take some time. I hope she allows me to help her in her journey, and I just wish there was more that I could do for her right now.

Trying not to be lazy

I've been extremely productive lately. I guess I finally got tired of being a lazy procrastinator (either that or the guilt finally got to me), either way, I've gotten a lot done the last few days. Yesterday I did an ass-load of laundry, went grocery shopping, did the dishes, cleaned out the fridge, plus graded at ton of vocabulary quizzes and journals. This morning I got to work very early and got my materials ready for the day, taught 140 teenagers, and graded a bunch of papers in my planning and down time. After work I did more grading, cashed my check, relaxed, and graded more papers. If you haven't noticed a theme yet, I've been doing a lot of grading. It's close to report card time, and sadly I'm one of those teachers who keeps a giant stack of work to be graded and then does it all last minute. Yes, that means I will spend a good half-day just passing out papers. Show me a teacher who doesn't do this, and I'll show you someone with no social life whatsoever.

I'm proud of the fact that although I'm a first year teacher, I've managed to maintain a healthy and sane life outside of my job. My dear friend Sunny is not having such an easy time. I keep inviting her out for a drink and some dinner to relax but she's always too busy (and she's only a part time teacher)! I am swearing to the powers that be that I will get Sunny out of the classroom and into the bar THIS WEEK!

In other news, I spent some time playing around with my dad's camera since he hasn't come to get it yet. I was messing around with the zoom lens and concentrating on interesting textures.

The framing of a mirror in my living room.

More fun with the swirly frame

Aaaaaahhhh!

It's 2 AM, I was awake at 1AM. The hives are back in full force. They itch like something unholy (whatever something unholy itching would feel like). I want to crawl into a hole and die. No steriod or anti-histamine, cold-compress or topical salve can make them go away or feel better. What did I do that was so karmicly wrong to deserve this? Whatever it was, it must have been a doosey!

I'm so trendy!

It's been a while since I wrote anything here. Work has had me running around like a wild woman. I guess my body decided that I needed to slow down, so now I'm sporting this fall's hottest fashion trend: red itchy hives all over my body! I've had them since Saturday and the most powerful steriods and antihistamines delivered in shot form don't phase these fuckers! These things are tough and maniacal. So here I sit home from work for the second Monday in a row. I'm freaking out about missing so much work, and what I'm going to do to get myself caught up. I have a really wonderful co-worker who I called today and got some re-assurances from. She said she'd make sure my kids got their test tomorrow, and all of those wonderful things. I don't know what I'd do without her, she's a saint.

I remembered, while I was sitting bored at home, that I borrowed my dad's kick ass Nikon this weekend, so Iplayed with it. I'm not very good at the whole focusing using natural light and no flash thing yet, but this is my first time, so cut me some slack.

Here's a picture of my lovely child

Breathe Gently

As the geese flew
south, a feather
became loose and began
to fall.

The wind cradled
and rocked it, and laid
it down gently
on the lake's surface.

Painfully aware
that if the tension gave way,
the water would swallow
it whole.

I always have to dig up the skeletons.

Last night Hubby and I had a great dinner over at his parents' house. I guess I better get used to that since it looks like my folks are moving to New Mexico in the next few months. I will officially have no family where I live (unless you include my seriously fucked up and crazy aunt, uncle, and cousin) I hope they move back home though. I get the feeling they just might once my folks go. Ahhh tangents... The dinner was great, I brought a chocolate pie and home-made whipped cream and they both went over well. My nephew was so adorable! He scarfed down one piece and came in and asked so sweetly for another, I couldn't turn him down.

After dinner Hubby was looking for some weights in a closet of his old room and he came across a lot of other fun stuff from his youth. Of course, bad things are always lurking in closets (like skeletons), and last night was no difference. He ended up bringing home a huge box full of notes from high school. It made me feel a little weird that he didn't just throw them away. As I said, "I know there have got to be plenty of pictures and notes from old girlfriends, and they're in the past. I'm the only person who matters now so why don't you just throw them away?" He replied that he thought these would be funny to look at and then he would throw them away.

I went to bed at 1, he was still up. I woke up at 5 and he was still up in the office reading all of the notes. I didn't like it, I felt odd, I was angry and I considered locking our bedroom door. He finally came to bed at 6. I still don't quite know how to feel about it. I just felt like he was reminiscing about all of these past girls, instead of sleeping next to his wife. A long time ago I had letters and notes from past boyfriends, but I got rid of them because they didn't mean anything to me. I know when I got rid of them, I just threw them out, didn't even look at them, because they didn't mean anything to me. I wish Hubby could have done the same. All night I felt like all of his past lovers were haunting my house.

I did the bad thing and opened the trash bags full of letters and took a look. In 8th and 9th grade he dated a girl for a year and once apparently she got pregnant (8th) but I guess she lost it or something, I'm not sure. In 9th, they thought they were having a baby again, had names picked out and everything, but she ended up not pregnant. I know it's his past, but it's odd. He's never said anything to me about it. I guess what makes it even wierder is that we ran into her on our very first date. She ran up to him and gave him a huge hug, but I didn't think much of it. He told me that she was just some girl that he dated for a short time a long time ago, but apparently that wasn't exactly the case. To this day he maintains that story, and it just seems weird to me. I also think it's a bit odd that he saved all of those letters from that relationship, but he has none from the really big one he was in for the last 2 years of high school, and one after. It almost makes me think that he never quite got over the one where he got the girl pregnant. It just for some reason taints something a little for me.

I wish that I hadn't looked in the bags, but I did, and I can't undo it now.

Let the Sun Shine!

I'm working, and it's good! I'm working my ass off; going in way too early and staying too late, spending my weekends and evenings planning, and grading, and researching. I'm young, optimistic, idealistic, and full of energy, so it works for me right now. I can't tell you how I'll feel about working so hard come October, but right now I'm feeling good knowing that all of the work I'm doing is to give these kids an awesome education.

Today was a trying day. It seemed that in one way or another each of my classes managed to disappoint me. I ended up having to send a couple of my 7th period kids to the assistant principal, but they've got to learn that while I have a sense of humor and we can have fun in class, they also need to give me their attention and respect when I ask for it. The good sign though, is that even after a very trying day I still left with a smile on my face and hope in my heart. I have a ton of journals to grade this weekend, and I know it's going to be a huge chore, but so be it.

Other than the trying day, life is amazingly going so smoothly. The new medication seems to be working wonders for me. I didn't have a single anxiety attack leading up to my first day of work, and I haven't had one yet. This is probably the longest stretch of my life that I've gone without one, and it really is amazing to feel so good all the time. It makes me a little sad though to think that this is what I was missing out on for 23 years. I also haven't had a crying spell since I began taking this medicine. Things with Hubby and I are great too! I finally stopped snooping into his things and I make the daily decision to trust him. Some days are harder than others, but everyday I somehow find the strength to make that decision, and everyday I feel so proud. I make sure to to a moment each day to reflect on how truly lucky I am.

I've never really been a religious person, but as my life gets better, I find myself feeling more and more spiritual (I'll never be religious). When I think about it, I guess this is the right way to go about that if I'm going to. It doesn't feel false in any way, or like I'm using it as a crutch. I am not in a horrible place in my life where I need something positive to latch onto. I am in a great place in my life, and I'm feeling grateful, and feeling so much strong positive energy, I just feel like I should be thanking some beautiful cosmic source, and so I shall.

I really AM a teacher!

This is it! Tomorrw the kids come back to school. I can't believe I'm really doing this! I'm so scared, but exctied at the same time. Luky me, classes are only 38 minutes long tomorrow. It will be a nice way to ease into things. Really, I'm going to be a teacher from now until I'm 48, wow!

My Demons

I dreamt about ghosts again last night. This time, I was in a movie theater and the seat next to me was being saved for a woman's ghost by the man in the seat next to the saved one. There was an index card on the seat with writing on it, and when I went to read it the guy went ballistic and told me that it was a note for the ghost of his wife. I stood up and somehow blocked the light from the projector, and a red outline of a woman appeared on the screen. The man told me that, that was the ghost of his wife and he wanted me to go around the theater blocking the light so he could see the ghost. The whole crowd got into it, and they were in awe. I started feeling weird and sick, and I started screaming that something wasn't right. I became possessed by the ghost. That is when in the dream I left my body, I'm not 100% sure what happened, but I hurt a lot of people. The next thing I knew I was laying on the floor of this really old-timey lobby, and the employees were waking me up.

This is again, one of those "bigger than me" dreams. It seems odd to me that I've dreamt of ghosts twice in one week. What am I trying to tell myself?

The journey is about to begin

It is the supreme art of the teacher to awaken joy in creative expression and knowledge. - Albert Einstein

I only pray that I can master that supreme art.

The Weight of Death

Some people say that dreams are just random synapses firing while you sleep. Other people say that dreams are just the events of the day replaying in your mind. Still others believe that dreams are some sort of magic. I believe something in between all of that. I've always had very vivid, and often disturbing dreams. Sometimes I have really great dreams, but few dreams really make me feel like something bigger than myself is involved. I had one of those "bigger than me" dreams the other night.

In the dream I was dead, but I didn't know it, and was trying to keep living. I was invisible to everyone but my mother, and I couldn't understand why no one was talking to me when we went out places. My mother explained to me that I was dead, and a ghost, and no one but she could see me. I couldn't believe her, I kept saying she was lying to me. It finally hit home that I must really be dead, when she took me to see Hubby and he couldn't see me. At one point in the dream a man saw me and ran after me shouting some other woman's name. My mother explained to me that sometimes when someone is grieving intensely they'll see a ghost, and imagine it is their lost loved in, even if it really isn't. This dream made me feel heavy, and some kind of spiritual after I woke up. It made me wonder about its meaning, which doesn't usually happen. I still feel a heavy weight on my heart whenever I think about it...

Big Day!

The sun is rising, and I can't sleep. I've been up since 4. I think I'm just too excited to sleep. Tonight Hubby and I are going out to celebrate our one year anniversary. I got a new dress, and shoes, and earrings, and I think I'm going to stop him dead in his tracks. I can't wait to get all dressed up and have a night on the town with the guy I love. We haven't done this in a long time, but I didn't think I'd get so excited about it that I couldn't sleep. I guess that's just part of my personality; I get real worked up about things (in a good way).

Hubby gave me my gifts yesterday. He surprised me with 12 white roses and 12 white calla lillies. I honestly never expected him to be so sentimental and thoughtful, but he explained to me that he picked the callas because that's what he gave me the day he proposed, and he picked white roses because those were the flowers at our wedding, and he wanted to remind me of our wedding day. It just blew me away! I also got an adorable card and some twizzlers (which are my fave!) I got so excited that I just had to give him his gift. He got a 2GB iPod Nano, which I pre-loaded with all of his workout music, and a armband so he can listen to music as he lifts weights. I had it engraved with a line from our song and the date of our anniversary. He really seemed to like it, which makes me so happy!

I guess I should try to head to bed now. I only have 2 hours until I have to be up to get the dog to the groomer's, and various other errands. Weee! I can't wait for tonight!!

Stir Crazy!!!

I've been sick since Saturday, and I've been locked in the house all week. My fever keeps coming and going, but mostly coming. I just want to feel better already! I'm feeling pretty good today, but I'm going out of my mind! I can't stand being stuck in the house totally incapacitated, lying on the couch with only crappy daytime TV to keep me company. I do have an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed this evening, and I think I'm going to keep it because I seem to be staving off the fever for most of the day. I just want to get better by tomorrow so I can enjoy my wonderful night of anniversary celebrating that Hubby has planned for Saturday night. I can't believe on Sunday it will be a year since we got married. It's going to be so wonderful, as long as I can get better to enjoy it.

The Return of Jane

I'm back from California, and have just a minute of free time to say something. It was a great trip. I actually felt like I was a 23 year old for once. It was great, I partied with a bunch of girls, had some drinks, shopped, and giggled a lot with girlfriends. For a whole week and a half I felt like I had no responsibilities, except to execute a perfect beach wedding on my last day there. The wedding was beautiful, the bride was gorgeous, the groom was so handsome, and they were legally bound in a beautiful ceremony nearly identical to the one Hubby and I took part in almost a year ago. That last part, of course, made me miss Hubby terribly so it was a good thing I went home the next day.

Big things are happening. Big, scary things that make me a real adult. Things like getting a job. I have a career now; I'll be teaching 9th grade English beginning in August. I'm really happy and so excited, but also scared shitless. It's one thing to student teach, but it's something very different to be in charge, without having anyone else you can call and say, "Hey! I'm not sure what I'm doing right now, can you step in for me?" Luckily, it's at the school where I student taught so I have my mentor there, and I already know all of the other teachers in the department. I'm just scared. I hope it doesn't show on the first day of school.

I have so much more to say, I've discovered new things, but that will have to be left for another time.

AAAhhh!

For the past few weekends I've been working on a stained glass panel for my best friend. It's a panel with her and her fiance's new monogram and I'm planning to give it to them as a wedding gift next week. This thing has taken me forever to make. It's been the hardest piece I've done. Finally after a lot of mishaps I was soldering on the loops to hang it by andone of the pieces broke. I want to cry. Apparently the heat of the soldering iron cracked the glass and it busted when I picked it up. I'm sooo pissed. I held it up to the light and saw a couple more cracks, but I don't think they'll break. So now I have to spend another night cutting, grinding, and soldering on a replacement piece. Sometimes I hate making art.

I Like Busy

I'm working my full time summer job now, and really enjoying it. I've figured out one thing about myself lately; I like busy. I prefer to be busy and slightly frazzled and dizzy. To me, for some reason it's enjoyable. I like to feel important and like I have lots of things to do which contribute to something somehow. My job is fairly tedious, and it's what some might term "busy work" but I love it. I have a million things to do between tomorrow and Friday morning when I leave, and I kind of relish in it. I thrive on pressure, it's what I do.

A Few Tips

Some tips for the men in the audience.

#1 Calling a girl sexy is nice…sometimes. If you want to compliment your woman, yes calling her sexy is nice, but not if it’s the only compliment you pay her. There are millions of “sexy” women out there. All a woman has to have to be considered sexy is a pretty hot body. There are a lot of women in the world with hot bodies, especially with the advent of fake tits, ass, and everything else. Chances are you’ve looked at a few women in the course of the day and thought they were sexy, maybe even told them so, so going home and telling your woman she’s sexy really doesn’t mean that much. Tell your woman she’s beautiful. There may be a lot of “sexy” or “cute” women in the world, but beauty is hard to come by. When a woman hears that you think she’s beautiful, it means something. Beauty is not only the outside, but the inside as well. Beauty is a presence, not just a nice ass. If you really want to give your woman a heartfelt compliment, let her know you think she’s beautiful.

#2 Don’t take your woman for granted.
A. As it is in most cases, you’ve probably hooked up with a woman you think you’re pretty lucky to be with, and maybe in the beginning you let her know, but as the relationship ages you’re probably slipping into the Comfort Zone. The Comfort Zone is a bad place to be. When you come in the door from work don’t walk past her and say, “hey, what’s for dinner?” Stop for a second, give her a hug and a kiss and say, “hey, honey!” It’s as easy as that. For extra measure if you want to, you can even ask how her day was. I’d bet $10 that when you don’t rush past her, she does that to you.

B. Women like to know that they are appreciated, and that the small things they do don’t go unnoticed. If she washes some of your clothes, does the dishes, cooks for you, etc. tell her thanks. It doesn’t matter if it is an everyday thing that needed to be done, letting someone know you noticed and appreciate what they have done is just common courtesy, and common courtesy can go a long way. Chances are your woman thanks you for the small things like cooking dinner, mowing the lawn, helping clean the house, etc. Do the same for her.

#3 Small romantic gestures are never bad. Another pitfall of the Comfort Zone is that you stop doing the small things you used to do in the beginning. Just because you’ve got her now doesn’t mean you have to stop being sweet to her. These small gestures are just that, small. You don’t have to buy her new diamond earrings, or set up a romantic dinner. Next time you’re grocery shopping and you pass by the flower section; stop and pick up a bouquet of $10 carnations, or hell, maybe just grab her favorite candy bar. You don’t even have to spend money; leave her a sticky note on the mirror that says you love her or wishes her a great day. If you want to keep you woman happy remember to show her in small ways that you love her.

Manic/Depressive

It's so odd that I can seem to have days where nothing can go wrong and then the next day my world seems to be falling apart. I believe I'll stay in bed under the covers all weekend. I'm so over this right now.