Not Suck(ing it in anymore)

I have a strange knack for being super skinny everywhere but my midsection, which likes to store all the extra fat on my body. So to combat that, I've been working out lately.

To my happy surprise I weighed myself this morning and came in at a beautiful 119 instead of my usual 125! I've lost 6 pounds, and it's noticeable. J says the belly has gotten smaller, and I totally agree. Hooray for me!

Live By This

“The most important thing in life is to stop saying ‘I wish’ and start saying ‘I will.’ Consider nothing impossible, then treat possibilities as probabilities.” –David Copperfield

Suck

The new job search kind of blows. I've decided on a job in "corporate america" and I thought I had a damn good job all lined up and ready to go, and then it disappeared. I'm trying for a few others, but I am suddenly not very optimistic. I know as the wise people say, things happen and fall into place all for certain reasons, but I don't want to be at the hands of the gods. I am doing my part to work for it, so is J, why can't the universe reciprocate? Does the universe not know that this corporate job is just a stepping stone to build up money so I can study massage therapy? I have bigger goals and ambitions, but right now I'll settle for being an administrative assistant or meeting coordinator making a decent $40 to $45K a year.

please?

It's Mutual

I live in a home full of mutual respect, appreciation, support, admiration, and unconditional love. I didn't think it was possible, but it is, and I am grateful every day.

Big Giant Huge Deal

So, the other night J and I were laying in bed talking (where we do all of our serious talking) and broached the topic of the "official move-in," and it is official: I'll be moving into J's place at the end of February. We have been living together on a trial basis for the last 2 months, with me still paying rent for my apartment, but not living there at all. I honestly can't remember the last time I slept in that bed. I have just been blissfully happy about the whole move-in thing, and I still am, but this morning it really hit me.

I.am.moving.in.with.him!

This is a Big Giant Huge Deal. A gal doesn't just go around moving in with any guy she dates. This is real, this is it. I've never moved in with anyone in this way before. When ex hubby and I moved in together we were already engaged and it was kind of a no big deal thing. With J, this is a huge show of commitment. This is the kind of thing where if we break up it's not just ok, I guess I won't be seeing him anymore but rather ok, now I have to pack all my things, find a place to live and move again. The amazing thing is that this idea doesn't scare me in the least. I am actually just so happy and amazed that J wants to commit to me in this way. He's never before lived with a woman, so I feel amazingly special.

I am betting a few years after this will come the next natural step, which will be to get married. J already said that for him, moving in together is a sort of pre-engagement. That makes me happy to hear, because although I've been through one failed marriage, I know what it takes now for a good one, and I know J and I would be great.

A Word to the Wise

get.the.fuck.over.it.and.do.something.about.it. seriously.

Your Mouth

I love the way
your mouth . . .

curves
up in a smile when
you look at me.

caresses
my name when
you speak it.

tastes
delectably sweet when
you kiss me.

feels
soft and warm when
you place it on my skin.

jump-starts
my heart when
you whisper the words, “I love you.”

Just like that . . .

So, after less than 2 years in the classroom I am utterly burnt out on teaching. I hate that I feel this way. I wish I could be the idealistic and optimistic girl who started this 2 years ago, but I'm not. I'm tired. I hate waking up every day at 5 to get to a school where I have no resources and no help. Where the kids are so apathetic that out of 6 classes I get 4 completed homework assignments. Where I get paid so little that I am 3 months behind on my car payment and can't make rent, all the while working 50 to 60 hour weeks. I am tired of feeling like I am steadily bashing my head against a brick wall for nothing. I hate to abandon these kids, I know they desperately need positive influences in their lives, but I can't seem to rise above the anger, resentment, and apathy that they express on a daily basis. I am finding it increasingly impossible to put forth effort when no effort is returned, and so I am done.

I put in an application yesterday for the education and training department of a big corporation here in town. My father has worked for this company for 10 years, J has worked there for 3. Both of the guys seem to really like working there. J knows the people in charge of hiring (connections can make or break you) and it looks like I have a really good chance of getting this job. I am so excited. I will still be using my education expertise, just in a new and really fun way. I'll be making at least $10,000 more a year.

If the government is wondering why our education system is failing, they need look no further than right here. I am an extremely bright woman, I graduated at the top of my class in Education. I went into teaching for all the right reasons and I truly thought I could make a difference. I quickly learned that with the resources available to me it is practically impossible. I am leaving the teaching profession because there is no support for education. I am leaving the teaching profession because I work insane hours and then stay up at night worrying how I'm going to pay my rent next. If the U.S. wants a workforce that is competitive in the global marketplace, they've got to improve education, and you can't improve education without qualified teachers and resources. Next month they'll be losing one more qualified educator.

Bleh!

The new year is not starting out that great.

• I have a nasty bladder infection that has spread to my kidneys. I will be out of comission for the next few days.
• I spent $100 on Rx's yesterday
• I blew $65 on a haircut
• Due to the previous 2 I cannot make a full rent payment this month
• I am behind on several bills
• I'd really like to crawl into a hole and cry

Good things:

• I move out of my apartment and into J's house Feb. 29th
• The move will save me a good deal of money