Real

Yesterday marked 9 months of being with J. It was kind of weird to vocalize that, because it doesn’t seem like we’ve been together all that long. In 3 months we will have been together for a year, and honestly I don’t see this relationship coming to an end. Ever. I got to thinking why? What makes this relationship unlike the others, especially the one with ex-hubby?

It’s as if J was like, “Hey! Guess what? There is such a thing as a happy, fulfilling, functional relationship. Here, let me show you.” J has shown me that a relationship is about respect, and partnership, and real love. It is about sharing your dreams and then working together to make them come true. It is about supporting each other, and listening, and giving that much needed hug or kiss or back scratch. It’s about just being together, and liking each others’ company so much that you don’t care what you’re doing, it’s just fun!

It’s about being able to sit and talk for hours about the important stuff, and being able to walk silently and feel comfortable. It’s about being able to be my true, silly, happy, intense self and knowing that he just loves that. It’s the simple, small things, too, like a thank you after the other has done the dishes, or washing and folding the laundry just because you know it will be appreciated.

And then of course there are the juicy bits that I won’t go into detail about, but just say that it’s about being willing to give of yourself. It’s about being comfortable and happy with each other, and the desire to be as close as possible in every single way. It’s about knocking down boundaries because you know that other person loves and respects you so much.

And I guess it all really comes down to that one word. Love is respect times a million.

Where am I headed??

So, I was reading another blog by someone in the education field who also will not be returning next year, and it got me to thinking, so I want to write.

I am feeling majorly guilty about leaving the teaching profession. It seems that society as a whole hails educators as these amazing people who sacrafice and put up with so much for so little. (Who needs better pay when, daily, people tell you how important your job is?) So, it makes me feel like a total asshole to say, "I can't take it. It's not worth the intrinsic rewards." For me, it would be worth the intrinsic rewards if there were more, I guess.

I keep feeling that maybe the lack of student achievement is my fault. Maybe I'm not dedicated enough. Maybe my frustration is showing in the classroom, but then I had my post-evaluation meeting. My principal cried and said he wishes there were some way I could stay. He told me he hoped I wouldn't leave the education field because I have a gift. Geeeez no guilt trip there. A lot of people have been telling me maybe I should just consider a new school, but with where I live I'm going to be facing the same kinds of kids, no matter where I go. And it all really boils down to the fact that I can't pay my bills, on top of being unhappy.

I will concede, though, teaching "Romeo and Juliet" right now has been one of the highlights of my year. I love watching the kids get into it and start yelling at the characters as if they were watching a movie. I apparently have a knack for story-telling (I orally translate each passage after reading)

But I digress, I am just kind of wandering right now with no clue what to do. I still have had no luck in the job hunt and the year is almost over. Luckily we are on a 12 month pay schedule so I have until the end of August to start freaking out about how I am going to pay bills.

P.S. Not so sure about grad school anymore. I realized it was more a decision to make my Ph.D. holiding mother happy. More on that later.

Huge Realization

I am pretty (more so when I am wearing makeup). I realize this, and I accept that this doesn't make me self-centered. This is a big day.