Anger Settles In

Today has been an angry day. I am so mad at Hubby. I was thinking about the fact that I am so hurt because when I stood up in front of all of our family and friends and said I would love Hubby forever, and that we would always be together as a team, I meant it with every atom of my heart and soul. Somehow when he stood up there, I don't think he meant it as much as I did. If he did, we wouldn't be going through this. If he really meant it, he wouldn't have emailed other women. He wouldn't have used Lacey's name as his password to search for apartments for me, he wouldn't have written a love song for Lacey. If he had really meant it, he wouldn't have made a fool of me and taken my promise and love so lightly.

Instead, he threw it all away, he didn't realize the preciousness of the gift I gave him that day. I promised to bind my life with his for the rest of our days on this Earth and whatever may come after. He promised the same thing, but I wonder if he had his fingers crossed, because he certainly didn't live up to his end of the promise.

And Then There are Bad Days

I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to get through the days like this. The days where I miss Hubby so badly that I just keep wondering if there isn't any way we could be together. I was walking through the store and playing on one of those CD sampler machines was the song I walked down the aisle to. I cried right there in the middle of the store. I can't stop feeling like I want to crawl into a whole and cry myself to death. Why can't we be together? Why isn't this insanely strong love enough? I don't want this.

Forward Progress

I applied for and was approved for my first apartment on Thursday. I'm so excited about the fact that I qualified for it all on my own. I ended up leasing the one that I wrote about in the previous entry. I should be moving in next Saturday. I went out and bought some new dishes and glasses for my new place. I also got a few decorations. Hopefully by the end of this week I'll have my new futon for the living room along with a coffee table and an end table.

This still all seems so weird and surreal. I can't believe that I'm getting divorced from Hubby. Sometimes I think that this is something that will be so good for my life, but sometimes I feel like maybe I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. I still love and am in love with Hubby, but I just don't think we're good for each other. I miss him a lot though. I went to the house this morning to pick up some things and we hung out for a minute. I wish he weren't such a likable guy. I told him that I am really seeing his idea that we can be friends. I think it would be quite a while from now, but I like him as a person and he's a fun guy. I'm just not sure if I could ever hang out with him as a friend and not remember all of the memories we have as a couple. I guess only time will tell.

I'm going out to dinner with my friend Sunny tonight to get my mind off of things. We were supposed to be going out in a local college town tonight, but her in-laws came into town early and she has to spend time with them. We made plans to go out and shake our booties another night. I know it is going to take a while, but I'm just so ready to feel OK again.

Ass Backwards, but its All Right

I moved out of the house last night. Something happened that made me realize that I don't think I will ever be able to trust Hubby. I confronted him about it and he denied it of course, like he always does, and I doubted him like I always do. We both realized that this is not how a marriage should work. I think that at this point too much has happened and I don't think I can get over the trust issues. I am so very tired of justifying the things he does. I think I deserve better things than what this marriage has held. I deserve to be loved and made feel special. I deserve to be with someone who will do the silliest things with me just because he wants to be around me. I know these things may sound trivial but it is so much bigger than that. I am so freaked out but excited at the same time. I am about to embark on a whole new chapter of my life.

I went looking at apartments today and I think I found a really nice place. It is 820 square feet. It has a washer and dryer in the unit, a fully equipped kitchen, a huge walk in closet, a 4x6 storage area right outside the apartment, vaulted ceilings, a balcony, and all utilities are paid, except electric. The complex has a golf course, a pool, a pond, a gym, and a tanning salon. They would allow me to bring the puppy, which is the best thing ever. The only drawback is that it is 45 minutes away from work. The good part about that is that my chances of running into Hubby at the grocery store or a restaurant are slim to none. I have a few more places to look at over the next few days, but by the end of this week I should be the proud renter of my very first apartment.

Somehow I've ended up doing it backwards. I spent my early 20's married, and now I'm about to spend the rest of my life on my own.

Ticking Time Bomb

I'm beginning to realize that the longer Hubby takes to decide what he wants, the more hurt I am. Every day that he takes to decide hurts me more. Every day that he acts like it is a chore to hug me, every day that he doesn't kiss me or tell me he loves me is a day where his desirability dies a little bit to me. The longer he takes to figure it out, the harder it will be for me to feel secure, happy, loved, or even willing to be in the marriage if he decides that this marriage is what he wants. I hate to say it, but it is the truth. The longer he takes, the angrier I get. The longer he takes, the more I get used to the idea of not being married to him.

Dreams Can be Cruel

I had a dream last night that everything had gone back to normal. In my dream Hubby and I were happy. We hugged and kissed, he told me that he loved me. In my dream he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight for what seemed like an eternity. We made love then fell asleep in each other's arms. This morning I woke up thinking it was real. Then the truth hit me, and I cried.

Apparently These Things Aren't Promised

What ever happened to my Happily Ever After? I'm just waiting for the bomb to drop. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'll probably be divorced within the next 6 months. I just wish he wouldn't drag this out.

On a much happier note, I'm going to hang out with Penny and her girls tomorrow. School was shut down today and tomorrow, so we've got some time off to enjoy ourselves. I'm going to bring over brownie mix and we're going to do some baking. She doesn't know about my plan yet, but I have a feeling she'll love it. I'm so amazingly lucky to have her in my life. Being with her and the girls reminds me that there are wonderful happy things in the world, and there is hope after the darkest of times.

No Decisions Have Been Made

We had our counseling appointment yesterday. I guess things went pretty well. Hubby still needs some time to think about what he wants. I am supposed to give him some time and space to do his thinking. I made sure to let him know that either way things go; I'll be OK. We discussed the fact that he's afraid that if he says he wants a divorce I might hurt myself. I told him I was stronger than that. Sure, I'd be sad and depressed for a while, but I'm a strong person. I can make it through anything. This included.