"I wouldn't really say I want a kid, but if it will make you happy, we'll have one." - J
I'm no psychologist, but that seems to be a recipe for resentment. I'm so confused & frightened, and just want to cry. Do I wait it out and hope he changes his mind? Do I leave the best relationship & man I've ever known? Do I give up having a child to be with the most amazing man I've ever met, who makes me happier than I've ever been before?
I could really use someone to talk to.
4.05.2009
4.03.2009
The Big Questions
So, when do you do it? When do you say to your boyfriend; "If you don't want to have a child, I can't marry you." When do you tell him, "You said yourself that your reluctance to get married & have a family is because of your own childhood. You need to see a counselor." I'm trying to figure out when I'm going to have this huge talk with J. He is away right now visiting with his very sick father. I don't want to bombard him with these big things right away, but I'm feeling a little scared.
Just a few weeks ago I asked him, "Do you intend to marry me?" and his answer was yes, but that just led to more questions running around in my mind. When? Will you change your mind about a kid? Are you ever going to deal with your childhood? Can I deal if any of these answers aren't what I want?
My sister is worried that I'll just marry J and hope for the best, a la Ex Hubby, and be stuck right where I started. She says she wants me to be happy & knows I won't be happy if I don't have a child. I know she's right. But I swear, if things don't work out with J, I'm just not really sure I have it in me to put my heart out there again, just to be smashed to smithereens. I did it once, it's possible that it could happen again, and if it does, then part of me just wants to say FUCK IT! This ain't worth it! Beacuse, really, when do you stop putting yourself in a position to be harmed. When does a sane person say, "enough is enough"?
But I guess I should first ask the big questions, but when?
Just a few weeks ago I asked him, "Do you intend to marry me?" and his answer was yes, but that just led to more questions running around in my mind. When? Will you change your mind about a kid? Are you ever going to deal with your childhood? Can I deal if any of these answers aren't what I want?
My sister is worried that I'll just marry J and hope for the best, a la Ex Hubby, and be stuck right where I started. She says she wants me to be happy & knows I won't be happy if I don't have a child. I know she's right. But I swear, if things don't work out with J, I'm just not really sure I have it in me to put my heart out there again, just to be smashed to smithereens. I did it once, it's possible that it could happen again, and if it does, then part of me just wants to say FUCK IT! This ain't worth it! Beacuse, really, when do you stop putting yourself in a position to be harmed. When does a sane person say, "enough is enough"?
But I guess I should first ask the big questions, but when?
7.06.2008
The Impossibly Great Year
It's been 3 months since I last posted. No wonder no one reads my blog. That, and it's boring as hell. So, tomorrow will be a year with J, and I still feel the same way I did 3 months ago. Life with him is amazing. I find a new reason to love him every day. Today we ran errands together and had a blast just being silly. We ordered a palm tree to plant in the yard as a symbol of our love and we're going to watch it grow, like our relationship. It sounds cheesy when I write it, but I love the idea. It had to be a palm. I'm a California girl. He spent the last 5 years in Florida before moving here to the south. We have set a goal to eventually make our permanent home somewhere that we can take trips to the beach any weekend we want. We are making plans like that because we are permanent.
We talked a lot this weekend. We are getting married. No solid date. No proposal. Just the knowledge that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together, and we'll formally commit to that in the next 4 years. We also want to have a kid. Not soon, but someday. I have never wanted to have someone's child the way I want to have J's baby. I thought I wanted to have ex-hubby's baby at one point, but that quickly faded. J has never wanted a woman to have his child, period.
I think we'd be great parents who could provide a really stable and loving environment for a child. We have so much love between the two of us and I know that would be passed on to our baby. I am so excited about the prospect of what the future holds. I have never been so happy. I have never felt so secure, and sure. I have never trusted anyone the way I trust J. Every day, almost the whole day I just think about how happy I am with my life, and how lucky I am to have what I have wanted all along.
We talked a lot this weekend. We are getting married. No solid date. No proposal. Just the knowledge that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together, and we'll formally commit to that in the next 4 years. We also want to have a kid. Not soon, but someday. I have never wanted to have someone's child the way I want to have J's baby. I thought I wanted to have ex-hubby's baby at one point, but that quickly faded. J has never wanted a woman to have his child, period.
I think we'd be great parents who could provide a really stable and loving environment for a child. We have so much love between the two of us and I know that would be passed on to our baby. I am so excited about the prospect of what the future holds. I have never been so happy. I have never felt so secure, and sure. I have never trusted anyone the way I trust J. Every day, almost the whole day I just think about how happy I am with my life, and how lucky I am to have what I have wanted all along.
4.08.2008
Real
Yesterday marked 9 months of being with J. It was kind of weird to vocalize that, because it doesn’t seem like we’ve been together all that long. In 3 months we will have been together for a year, and honestly I don’t see this relationship coming to an end. Ever. I got to thinking why? What makes this relationship unlike the others, especially the one with ex-hubby?
It’s as if J was like, “Hey! Guess what? There is such a thing as a happy, fulfilling, functional relationship. Here, let me show you.” J has shown me that a relationship is about respect, and partnership, and real love. It is about sharing your dreams and then working together to make them come true. It is about supporting each other, and listening, and giving that much needed hug or kiss or back scratch. It’s about just being together, and liking each others’ company so much that you don’t care what you’re doing, it’s just fun!
It’s about being able to sit and talk for hours about the important stuff, and being able to walk silently and feel comfortable. It’s about being able to be my true, silly, happy, intense self and knowing that he just loves that. It’s the simple, small things, too, like a thank you after the other has done the dishes, or washing and folding the laundry just because you know it will be appreciated.
And then of course there are the juicy bits that I won’t go into detail about, but just say that it’s about being willing to give of yourself. It’s about being comfortable and happy with each other, and the desire to be as close as possible in every single way. It’s about knocking down boundaries because you know that other person loves and respects you so much.
And I guess it all really comes down to that one word. Love is respect times a million.
It’s as if J was like, “Hey! Guess what? There is such a thing as a happy, fulfilling, functional relationship. Here, let me show you.” J has shown me that a relationship is about respect, and partnership, and real love. It is about sharing your dreams and then working together to make them come true. It is about supporting each other, and listening, and giving that much needed hug or kiss or back scratch. It’s about just being together, and liking each others’ company so much that you don’t care what you’re doing, it’s just fun!
It’s about being able to sit and talk for hours about the important stuff, and being able to walk silently and feel comfortable. It’s about being able to be my true, silly, happy, intense self and knowing that he just loves that. It’s the simple, small things, too, like a thank you after the other has done the dishes, or washing and folding the laundry just because you know it will be appreciated.
And then of course there are the juicy bits that I won’t go into detail about, but just say that it’s about being willing to give of yourself. It’s about being comfortable and happy with each other, and the desire to be as close as possible in every single way. It’s about knocking down boundaries because you know that other person loves and respects you so much.
And I guess it all really comes down to that one word. Love is respect times a million.
Where am I headed??
So, I was reading another blog by someone in the education field who also will not be returning next year, and it got me to thinking, so I want to write.
I am feeling majorly guilty about leaving the teaching profession. It seems that society as a whole hails educators as these amazing people who sacrafice and put up with so much for so little. (Who needs better pay when, daily, people tell you how important your job is?) So, it makes me feel like a total asshole to say, "I can't take it. It's not worth the intrinsic rewards." For me, it would be worth the intrinsic rewards if there were more, I guess.
I keep feeling that maybe the lack of student achievement is my fault. Maybe I'm not dedicated enough. Maybe my frustration is showing in the classroom, but then I had my post-evaluation meeting. My principal cried and said he wishes there were some way I could stay. He told me he hoped I wouldn't leave the education field because I have a gift. Geeeez no guilt trip there. A lot of people have been telling me maybe I should just consider a new school, but with where I live I'm going to be facing the same kinds of kids, no matter where I go. And it all really boils down to the fact that I can't pay my bills, on top of being unhappy.
I will concede, though, teaching "Romeo and Juliet" right now has been one of the highlights of my year. I love watching the kids get into it and start yelling at the characters as if they were watching a movie. I apparently have a knack for story-telling (I orally translate each passage after reading)
But I digress, I am just kind of wandering right now with no clue what to do. I still have had no luck in the job hunt and the year is almost over. Luckily we are on a 12 month pay schedule so I have until the end of August to start freaking out about how I am going to pay bills.
P.S. Not so sure about grad school anymore. I realized it was more a decision to make my Ph.D. holiding mother happy. More on that later.
I am feeling majorly guilty about leaving the teaching profession. It seems that society as a whole hails educators as these amazing people who sacrafice and put up with so much for so little. (Who needs better pay when, daily, people tell you how important your job is?) So, it makes me feel like a total asshole to say, "I can't take it. It's not worth the intrinsic rewards." For me, it would be worth the intrinsic rewards if there were more, I guess.
I keep feeling that maybe the lack of student achievement is my fault. Maybe I'm not dedicated enough. Maybe my frustration is showing in the classroom, but then I had my post-evaluation meeting. My principal cried and said he wishes there were some way I could stay. He told me he hoped I wouldn't leave the education field because I have a gift. Geeeez no guilt trip there. A lot of people have been telling me maybe I should just consider a new school, but with where I live I'm going to be facing the same kinds of kids, no matter where I go. And it all really boils down to the fact that I can't pay my bills, on top of being unhappy.
I will concede, though, teaching "Romeo and Juliet" right now has been one of the highlights of my year. I love watching the kids get into it and start yelling at the characters as if they were watching a movie. I apparently have a knack for story-telling (I orally translate each passage after reading)
But I digress, I am just kind of wandering right now with no clue what to do. I still have had no luck in the job hunt and the year is almost over. Luckily we are on a 12 month pay schedule so I have until the end of August to start freaking out about how I am going to pay bills.
P.S. Not so sure about grad school anymore. I realized it was more a decision to make my Ph.D. holiding mother happy. More on that later.
4.05.2008
Huge Realization
I am pretty (more so when I am wearing makeup). I realize this, and I accept that this doesn't make me self-centered. This is a big day.
3.31.2008
Exhaustion
I promised myself I would work out today. To give it weight last night as we were lying in bed about to sleep, I told J I was going to work out today. It is now time to work out and I don't waaaaaana! The events of the day (teaching 150 teenagers) have drained me of all useful energy. Alas, I will get my booty off the couch and do some crunches, push ups, and reverse hypers. I just keep telling myself you'll feel better once it's over. My inner self better be right or I'm kicking that bitch's ass!
3.30.2008
Bleh!
The irrational irritation is back in full force. I would like it to go away now. I would also like some blueberry pancakes, a white mocha, and a bank account balance that is not overdrawn.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
