Stop, thief!!

So, I was going to send this to PostSecret and then I decided I'd just say it:
I'm afraid to really love myself because I worry it'll make me narcissistic.
I know it sounds silly, but you have no idea how huge it is in my mind. I feel like I'm stealing a little of my own happiness because of it. I want to try and work on this next year.

I have also come to the conclusion that college has stolen my creativity. Well, maybe not stolen it but definitely re-directed too much of it into certain channels. I used to ooze poetry. Everyday I had a journal with me because so many little poetic one-liners would come to me that I had to write them down then and there or I'd lose them. In 2 years I wrote 3 journals full of poetry. It wasn't all masterpieces but there was good stuff in there. Now; nothing. I haven't written a poem in probably 2 years.

I use my creative juices now to come up with awesomely exciting lessons. I make up game shows for my students, I have them research vacationing in any country they want, I create coffee shop poetry readings for them, but I do not make my own poetry. Don't get me wrong, I love teaching my students in new and creative ways that don't involve the textbook. It is such a challenge to make things fun for my kids. I just wish I could have a little bit of that creative energy saved in a jar for myself at home. I'd like to work on that next year too. My first step is the poetry workshop I'm taking next semester.

I just realized that I let slip what I'm in school for. Yes, I'm about to be a teacher. In 2006 I'll become what I've dreamt of for almost my whole life. I'm also going to graduate Magna Cum Laude, or if I do really well next semester; Suma Cum Laude. This is my gift to myself for barely graduating high school. In 2006 I'll start my career which is insanely scary, but so exciting at the same time. This is going to be a really big year.

Quicky

I'm about to run to do some grocery shopping, but wanted to post and say this . . . The camera is goooood! I love it so much. I read the whole manual yesterday while spending the day washing dog puke out of all my parents' bed-clothes and uploading pictures to shutterfly (another story for another time). Yesterday morning I took this picture.
I call it The Leaf Stands Alone. I know the actual composition isn't that great, but it showcases the camera's zoom capabilities. Yay for the new camera!

Ho ho ho!

Merry Christmas! I hope everyone had a great one. Mine was pretty good aside from missing my family. I got the only thing I really wanted. A digital camera from Hubby. It's a Kodak Z740. I'm still learning the ropes. It seems to do pretty well indoors, but I'm really excited to see what it does outside. Since I now have extended picture capacity I will leave you with a picture of my sweet puppy enjoying a christmas present. . . And a shirt my mom bought for my dad. It's crude humor but it made me laugh.

Birthday!

Happy birthday to me! I did not have to worry about people forgetting. Hubby woke me up before he left for work and wished me a happy one. I went back to sleep and was woken up twice, once by my sister singing an lively rendition of "Happy birthday!" into my cell phone across the many miles that separate us, and again by my best friend who also called across the miles just to say happy birthday, and to chide me for being asleep at 10:30. I had to remind her that I came down with a cold yesterday and I was resting up.

Yes, that's right. I was bestowed with a cold that turned my head into a giant snot balloon yesterday. I took some airborne, some nyquill, and smeared neosporin on my raw nose before bed. Miraculously this morning I haven't had to blow my nose once. I actually breathed through my nose all night. Yesterday I also had a flare up of my chronic medically condition and my period was late. I was very upset. Today I feel better and dear old Aunt Flo made her visit. Maybe the fates have deemed me deserving of a happy birthday after all. I was beginning to think I had done something terribly wrong to cause my karma to be so screwed up.

Well, that's about it I guess. Since Best Friend woke me up I decided to get up. I found a really sweet card from Hubby on the couch for me. It made me love him even more. Now I'm going to go enjoy some strawberry yogurt blast Cheerios and watch Paperclips (I love DVR!). When Hubby gets home we'll go eat Mexican food and I'll get to open some presents from my sister and best friend. I have to wait till Saturday to celebrate with my folks and the in-laws and get my gift from Hubby. Hope everyone has a great day. And happy birthday to my birthday twin Carissa!

And since I don't have any pictures of any birthday cakes of mine. Here is one I made for my mother's 50th Birthday last year. Yes that is 50 candles. There is a big 50 made out of cookies on top, which is surrounded by cookie stars, but the candles eclipse it. =)

Big Things Happening

Today was a very big day. I got up at 6:30 and was at the site of my internship by 8. I met a lot of the people in charge and they were very nice. I almost got the feeling that if they could, they would have given me a job on the spot. It felt very much like an interview. Then I met the person I will be working with on a daily basis. I am really excited about working with her next semester because her fields of interest are very similar to mine. After that I came home and finished reading the final book I had to read this weekend. Wrote up my summaries of all 5 books and emailed them to my professor just in the nick of time.

Having those 2 things done meant I was completely finished with the fall semester. The relaxation can begin now. To celebrate I put up the Christmas lights (and nearly killed myself in the process). I am hypoglycemic and hadn't had anything to eat all day, but I was doing OK. Then I started having to put the ladder in very tall places. I am very skinny and small and am not very strong at all. Moving the ladder around + shaking because I hadn't eaten + shaking because I was scared shitless to be up so high on a ladder alone = a really shaky person very high up on a ladder just begging to die. I ended up getting on the roof and straddling the pointed part and scooting out instead of going all the way up to the highest peak on the ladder. It looks good though and I'm really glad I did it. We've lived in this house for 1 1/2 years and this is the first time we've had lights. Our house is so festive now. We bought our tree this weekend and decorated it, and now we've got lights on the outside and a pretty red bow on the door. Hooray!

I really am a big huge kid at heart, Christmas and my birthday are the biggest events of the year to me. Every morning when I wake up and walk out the bedroom door I see the Christmas tree and I literally want to hug it. Even if it will stick me with its prickly needles. I want to hug my birthday presents under the tree too. Why are my birhtday presents under my tree?

Because Wednesday is my birthday! I don't think I'm doing anything though. Hubby hasn't mentioned it to me, neither have my parents. That kind of bums me out. I refuse to plan my own birhtday celebration. I hope we at least have dinner or something. I also hope people don't forget like they did last year. Damnit! I just want to be able to celebrate like a kid.

P.S. Happy B-day on Wednesday too Carissa!

Procrastination and Holiday Weirdness

I don't know why I'm doing this. I have a big final tomorrow. I should have spent the day studying, but instead I did a million other things. I should be studying now but I can't seem to make myself. Now I'm going to be up all night and probably not well prepared, then I'll hate myself tomorrow. Why am I doing this?

I talked to my sister today. My folks are flying to the west coast to spend Christmas with her. I feel slightly jealous. I have not spent a Christmas without my parents...ever. I don't want to be forced to spend my favorite holiday with my in-laws. I like them but I'm not really comfortable with them, and now I have to spend the biggest holiday of the year in a weird and uncomfortable place. I know it'll probably make me sad and miss my parents more.

If you knew me, you'd know how big of a deal Christmas and my family is to me. I'd feel better if I knew that Hubby and I would spend the day together as our own little family, but that won't happen. We'll end up at the in-laws for a very long time. As the hours pass I'll feel increasingly uncomfortable and bored, and finally I'll end up fighting sleep as the 6th or 7th hour ticks by. Can you tell I've experienced this before?

I guess I should think positively about it. No use in creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe it'll be better this year, or maybe we won't spend so much time there this year. Maybe spending the holiday with the in-laws will increase the comfortable-ness barrier. (Never mind the fact that they are amazingly out of touch with the modern world). Either way, I do not begrudge my sister her time with my parents. I know it means a lot to her to have them come to her instead of she and Her Hubby having to fly here. I'm really happy that she gets to have one last big family Christmas on the west coast before she and Her Hubby move a few states over. I suppose it's about time I became a grown-up and experienced a holiday without Mom and Dad. I didn't see them on Thanksgiving, I can live without Christmas too. (Which I guess, is precisely what is bothering me).

P.S. Because my posts have had a lack of pictures I wil begin adding random pictures from my computer. The one in this post is a cell phone picture of a beautiful sunset I saw when I took the puppy out.

Snipets of Life

Hubby and I just got back from our belated honeymoon the Sunday before last. We had a really great time. I just wanted to share this special little moment that is my favorite memory from the trip.

On Thanksgiving night, as we waited for our table at Cracker Barrel we came across one of those little music sampler machines that play little snipets from CDs they have for sale. Hubby prssed Frank Sinatra (one of my faves) and danced with me in the middle of the store. I swear, for 30 seconds I was sure I was living in a movie...

It's (Almost) Over!!

The semster is over! At least classes are. I went to my final class last night and turned in the rest of my projects that were due. Now all that's left is a horrible 3-hour, 4-essay final in the class that I like the least. The only thing that is keeping me going is knowing that the professor said that if I do well on this final I'll more than likely get an "A" in his class. Getting an "A" in a class that he teaches is like winning the gold at the olympics. If I get one I'm going to ask for a medal, or at least celebrate pretty hard. The final is Friday, wish me luck.

My Nana, Aunt and Uncle are in town this week. Nana wants to see my house, but it's a pig sty and I refuse to let her see it this way. I'd clean, but I only have 3 days until my final and I want to spend 1 relaxing and 2 studying. Too bad. When she moves here next year she can see it all she wants.

So much for a carefree winter break without classes for once. I just spent $200 to sign up for a test to be certified as a professional in my field. The test is the 7th of January so I plan on spending a lot of my winter break studying. Oh well, at least I'll have the test over with. Hopefully I'll pass on the first try and I can know for the entire semester of my internship that I can get a job as soon as I graduate. In fact, as soon as I get passing scores back I can start applying for jobs, because I know I'm going to graduate.

Well I'm off to re-heat some yummy pizza and maybe watch Garden State since I haven't seen it yet. Or maybe I'll do some cleaning like a good girl.

Rebirth

Today I found an email I had written to my best friend about a dream I had a few months before my wedding. It still to this day remains one of the most wonderful dreams I ever remember having.


It was so vivid and so spiritual feeling. I dreamt that I was reborn. I jumped off a cliff into the ocean. I went straight down and into the water, but kept going. I traveled straight down through the water and into a warm red womb and then right after that I was born. As all this was happening select memories of my life were coming to me. As I was handled by the doctors and placed at my "mother's" breast my memories of my past life dissolved.

Talk about a beautiful dream. I remember that I woke up with the most peaceful feeling I have ever had in my life. I knew then 100% that the course I had chosen for my life was right.

Call me a bad person if you want

I feel like a bad person for writing this, but I'm going to post it anyway because it is my honest thoughts.

So, this funny thing has happened. Somehow a large number of my ex-boyfriends from California have become friends over the 4 years that I've been gone. This makes me wonder, did I really just date the same asshole over and over and over....? None of these guys were friends when we dated, it's like they formed an "I touched Jane's boobies" club. I know this is really self-centered sounding, but when I got in touch with a couple of them after all these years I wonder if they had some kind of conversation like, "Hey I emailed Jane today."
"Dude, that's weird, I emailed her a few days ago."
"You know, I dated her too."
"Yeah, man that's a little weird. She was kind of "free" back then."
Out of the 4 that are all part of this little clique of guys, I only talk to one really.

The sad thing is that they're kind of losers now. Every single one of them still lives at home, which wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that all of them but one dropped out of college. So they're living at home, working fast-food jobs and mooching off their parents. I hate to be judgmental because maybe they've got things going on in their lives that I don't know about, but the thing is; they just sit there and whine about how bad life is on their blogs, about how they see all their friends growing up and it sucks. All I can think is that maybe it's time for them to grow up too. The whole party culture they're in is lost on me. I don't get the idea of going out and getting so wasted it hurts to wake up the next day at noon. I imagine that kind of life has got to be a little depressing and empty, so I guess maybe I should shut up.

It's just odd to me that most of the guys I dated between the BIG boyfriend and before Hubby all ended up being friends, and living kind of sad lives. Is that really what I thought I deserved back then?

Big Breath Out!

Hooray! I've gotten one paper for the semester written. It was supposed to be 7-8 pages, I managed 6 2/3 which isn't too shabby if you ask me. A friend of mine is coming by tomorrow to pick it up so she can edit it while I'm away on my honeymoon. She is such an amazing friend. Now all I have to do tomorrow is read some of Lewis Carroll's Through the Looking Glass, then head to class. Then it's home to read "The Tempest" and write a (supposed to be) 7 to 10 page paper on it. I'll more than likely just write 4 pages and be done with it. I really don't think my professor is even going to read it.

I can't wait to be done with all this reading and paper writing, if only for a week. I didn't get everything I needed to done before we leave so I'm going to have to come home and work hard, but oh well, at least I get a little vacation for a little while. I know I shouldn't have procrastinated so much, but I just couldn't focus. For now I'll revel in my victory I'M DONE (for now).

Boring Business Stuff

So, Hubby has decided to let his business partner (BP) buy him out. This is very interesting. BP called yesterday and asked him if he would consider, because BP wants to start another new business, but can't get the loan unless he has all the business in his name. BP is officially crazy. The man has a wife, young daughter, and a day job. On top of those he has the business w/ Hubby (for which he is about to assume all responsibility), and now he's going to start something new??? Good luck to him. The odd thing is that he and his wife both make good money and don't need extra income. Sometimes I think he does so many things at once to avoid his family, but what do I know.

Now on to my thoughts about Hubby letting BP buy him out. I hate to say it, but I'm happy. It was taking up a lot of his time in the evenings, and after 3 years of growing they still hadn't begun to pull dividends. So Hubby was working for no money. I wouldn't mind it if it looked like they'd begin making money, but BP always wants to keep it growing and never sit on it. Add to that the fact that over the past year BP has pulled probably a grand of their business money for personal reasons and only told Hubby after much badgering. Although BP and Hubby are great friends, I really don't think they were cut out to do business together. Hubby says he didn't mind the money pulling thing, because BP always paid it back, but I have a problem with the fact that he hid it. That's not very scrupulous if you ask me.

So, I'm glad that Hubby will be selling his half of the business. It means he'll be spending more time at home. I kind of like having him around. He's going to get his fair share of the money he invested back. At this point in the year we could really use that extra money. I really don't see that much of a downside to it, unless you call not having tons of chips and candy and soda in the house tempting me all the time a downside.

13 Years Have Lapsed

I just finished reading Lois Lowry's A Summer to Die. I read it once when I was about 9; I checked it out from the library and devoured it in a few days. It made me cry and I loved it because I saw a lot of myself in it. I too was an awkward young girl with glasses and stringy straight hair. I too had an older sister that was gorgeous and popular. I too was very interested in photography, but since my sister seemed to get most of the attention, I couldn't ask my dad to teach me how to take pictures.

I did not; however, lose my sister to leukemia. I am lucky in that we grew together over the years and I count her as one of the best friends I have ever had. I remember that when I finished reading it, I went home and told my sister that I loved her. The lesson of that book has stayed with me subconsciously all my life.

The last lines in the book touched me, "I shook my head. 'You made me beautiful,' I said shyly. 'Meg,' he laughed, putting one arm over my shoulders, 'you were beautiful all along.' " I remember hoping that someday I'd feel that way too; that someday I'd finally feel beautiful.

Now I'm 22 and I've just finished reading it for the second time. I cried again this time, it still makes me want to call my sister all those miles away. It's funny though, the last few lines still make me feel the same way too.

Song from Before

There was a beautiful song that meant so much to me 4 Falls ago, and until today I couldn't remember the artist or the title, only that one had New Year in it. Today I found the song, bought it, and listened to it over and over because it made me feel things I enjoy feeling again.
Further Seems Forever- New Year's Project.

Nostagia for Things Lost in the Blink of an Eye

It's amazing how fleeting life really is. There were a million gorgeous images all over town that begged to be captured. The contrast of the stark black sign post against the vibrant yellow oak leaves stared out at me from my windshield and said, "please, capture my beauty." I thought to myself, "I really need to borrow a camera and take this picture." And then the wind blew fiercly in the night and the image was erased from the world, but not from my mind. No two Falls will ever be the same and for some reason I swear, next Fall won't be as beautiful as this, but I have no way to capture it, except in my mind's eye.

I hate ugly me

**The things I am about to write are not for sympathy. They are nothing but my inside thoughts that I need to get out. I am not asking for compliments, I just need to let the venom out.**

OK, I have a confession to make: I'm insecure: horribly, terribly, extremely insecure. When I look in the mirror I see UGLY. Either my face is too fat or too thin; I'm too pale and I have dark circles under my eyes. My hair doesn't look good and my nose looks weird. My boobs sag, I have an old lady butt. I have spider veins all over my legs. I slouch and stand crooked. My right shoulder hunches more than my left. Sometimes my stomach is flat, and other times it's too pudgy. I hate my teeth; they're too yellow. I have huge feet and my entire body is covered with blonde hair. My nails are ugly; they peel and crack and break. I'm so skinny you can see my bones poking out at my wrists. No matter how many times Hubby tells me I'm beautiful, it does nothing. No matter how many times he tells me that everyone he knows thinks I'm gorgeous it doesn't faze me. My parents, my sister, my best friend, or a stranger could all tell me I could be the next Heidi Klum and all that would be going through my mind is that they're full of shit.

I'm not just insecure about my appearance though; I think my personality is ugly. I talk too much; I'm boring and weird. I always think that people are just being my friend to be nice to me. I feel socially awkward. I feel like a very selfish and self-centered person, and the fact that I'm writing an entire tirade about how insecure I am just makes me feel worse about it. Every time a friend says we'll get together and then cancels or doesn't answer a phone call or an email I think that they did it because they secretly don't like me, but they're too nice to say so. In a way it verges on a strange sort of paranoia.

There are times when I feel attractive and there are times when I feel like a good person, but those occasions are few and far between. The last time I felt truly attractive was on my wedding day. Why? Because I was completely made up. Someone had painstakingly done my face to make every feature look good. Someone had spent hours making my hair perfect. I was wearing the most gorgeous dress in the world. On top of all that, it was the happiest day in my life so far, of course I felt great. That feeling hasn't come back since then. Now I look in the mirror and see every little imperfection, every little flaw.

I hate feeling this way, I really do. If Hubby is right about how many people think I'm a beautiful person, why can't I see what they see? What is making my vision so distorted? I know it is somewhere in my mind. I'm smart enough to have figured that out, but I just don't know how to make it go away. Can I even make it go away? Am I destined to feel this way about myself forever? I don't want to be.

I want to be able to look in the mirror and be happy, not disgusted. I don't know where to start. I don't know how to make it go away, I just wish it would. I'm so tired of looking at pictures of my best friend and hating her because she's just so damn glamorous and gorgeous. I'm tired of comparing myself to every pretty girl I see and knowing I could never stack up. I'm tired of my insecurity causing problems between Hubby and myself. The worst part about it is that there was a short time in my life when I got over my insecurity and really liked myself. Where did it go? How do I get it back?

This one wasn't bad looking either

Oh dear goodness! I'm supposed to be reading Hamlet, but I just can't. I've been exhausted all night. It's no good, no good at all. I've just wasted 1/2 a week of the 3 weeks left in this semester. I really just want to go to bed, I even fell asleep in Brit. Lit. today. Oh well, somehow I'll pull it off, I always do.

In other news, I got out of a speeding ticket today, which is awesome because we really can't afford to pay for a speeding ticket right now. Warnings are my best friend. I still have leftover anxiety from the time I got arrested though, and I think that's why I'm so drained. Every time I get pulled over for speeding all the blood in my body rushes to my head and I shake uncontrollably. I keep thinking that I'm going to get hauled off again, just for speeding, like last time.

Once a cute cop literally made me stick my hand out the window so he could slap it. I think he felt differently about his decision not to write me a ticket after he saw my wedding band though. *smirk* Another time a cop offered to get me out of a ticket for a small accident (no damage incurred by either car) if I would just go out with him. Too bad I was engaged. I swear, I think some cops get off on pulling girls over and hitting on them. Any cops out there have an opinion?

Other than that, I have an entry about being in "Baby Limbo" I've been wanting to write, but I can't get into it tonight. It'd take too much time. Oh, and one about re-claiming my femininity and not being afraid of men because I'm married. These are just little written reminders to myself that I need to write down my thoughts on these issues. Maybe in a few weeks I'll have some time to flesh them out.

Strange Epiphanies

Sometimes I think I might be crazy, because surely normal people don't think the things I do. I often find myself having strange epiphanies. Take for example the odd, but clear thought that came to me Wednesday. As I drove into my neighborhood I suddenly realized what cars really were, and then they seemed very weird to me. I thought: Gee, cars really are just these metal pods on wheels. I am just a little fleshy human being inside of a metal bubble on wheels. And then suddenly, I began imagining all the cars around me as clear bubbles floating around with people inside them, and now I look at cars in a way I never did before. It is almost as if I notcied for the first time, the stark contrast between the vehicle and the thing that controls it. The mechanical, metal machine and the living, breathing human being. I'm not sure if this is making sense, but surely thoughts like this can't be normal.

Desert Blooms

Well, yesterday I had lunch with a new friend from school and it was great! We sat for 2 1/2 hours and talked and ate, but mostly we just talked. The conversation was strangely intimate for being the first time we hung out outside of the break room at school but oddly, it seemed very normal and very comfortable.

She's young and married to a man older than her, just like me. She's actually a year younger than me. If our friendship pans out the way I think it will, it'll be one more thing to make me glad I graduated a year late. We just really have a lot in common. I don't think a lot of people realize just how hard it is to make friends when you're our age and married. Most ladies our age are still out drinking and partying and dating several different guys, which is cool, if that's what you're into. But it can be hard to find common ground with womne like that because while I enjoy a good drink with some friends, I'm not into having said drink while writhing around on a dance floor. So it was nice to spend an entire lunch talking with someone who "gets it."

Her husband also seems like the kind of guy that Hubby would really get along with, which is entirely rare, so I'm hoping they come to the concert this weekend and we can all meet up and see how it goes. I know it was only a 2 1/2 hour lunch, but I'm really excited about the possibility of finally having a girl-friend out here. I guess only time will tell.

There, there's finally a happy entry in this blog!

Energy

Sometimes life just dumps a million little dissapointments on you. Sometimes you can shake it off, other times you can't. Tomorrow morning we'll see how this time shapes up. I swear, one of these days I'll have something positive to write about.

Pent-Up on Saturday

Oh god! I feel so cooped up! I feel like I'm going to burst into a sprint, or tears, or something. I really and honestly feel like screaming. I spent my whole day reading depressing Young Adult novels and waiting for Hubby to come back from running errands for his business. I was going to have Hubby ask his business partner (BP) and wife to have dinner with us, but it's a race night. Hubby is tired from running around all day and BP and wife won't get off the couch on race day. I'm stuck here. The Chinese restaurant won't answer their phone so I can make a take out order. I'm so tempted to call my new friend from school, but I'm scared and I don't want to waste a Saturday night with hubby. Not that it's shaping up to be anything, just him watching the race and me being bored and eating my steamed rice if the damn restaurant will answer the phone. Maybe this is all falling into place and I'm supposed to call my new friend. Should I?

I Welcome Fall

Do you ever notice that when it's cold outside there's a silence that doesn't appear in hot weather? I'm not sure what it is, but it happens without fail every fall. The weather is changing and it's getting colder, and quieter, outside. Hubby suggested that it's because the bugs have all gone away. That can't be it because last night there were millions of crickets happily chirping away, but still there was silence. I love the hush that comes will fall, it makes me feel so peaceful. I know this is so cliche, but it makes me think of the holidays to come. Halloween with its yearly fog. I don't know why but the fog has perfect timing. Then Thanksgiving, this year it's going to be incredible. Of course there's my favorite month, December. I love walking around the mall looking at decorations and listening to Christmas carols. I love finding that perfect gift for Hubby. I love the warm feeling I get being near my family and looking outside at the cold.

I welcome fall and its wind and cool weather. I look forward to coats and hand-knitted scarves and fun little hats. I welcome the snow if it chooses to stop by this year (oh! please let it snow, please!) But can I welcome it to all span only those three months? It's beautiful, but by April it has turned from magical to gloomy and the gloom has made me ready to slit my throat.

P.S. Hubby came home at midnight and I got over my mood. How could I be jealous after he told me how wonderful it was to see his brother for the first time in a month?

The Holy Hell of My Holy Union

So, it took me a while to make a new post, but boy-oh-boy are you going to get one hell of a post this time.

I have a confession to make: I know that I'm probably way more wrapped up in my marriage than I should be. Some people will say that you have to be really into your relationship for it to work, but sometimes I think I'm so into it that it's probably unhealthy. Let me preface this statement with some background info.

Going to school and finishing my senior year, so I can get that degree is my job. Being a wife is my other job. I'm really very busy though, and I spend, on average, 26.5 hours a week driving to and from school and attending class. I spend an additional 8.5 hours interning and driving to and from said internship. Altogether that makes a 35 hour work week, not including time I spend at home reading, studying, and writing papers. When I am home though, I try to get everything done before my husband gets home so I can spend time with him. I come home at 8 PM on Mondays and around 9:30 to 10 PM on Wednesdays, so needless to say Wednesdays are pretty much shot for quality time. I figured out once, after Wed. night class was cancelled that my loving hubby spends that night having "Hubby Time" (henceforth called HT). He watches shows I don't want to watch, eats food I won't eat and plays video games. This is all super awesome for him, everyone needs some "me time" (henceforth called MT). Does everyone get it though? I don't always, but it really is my own fault.

As I said before, I try really hard to get all of my studying, reading, writing, etc. done before Hubby gets home. It's really important to me to be with him, because I don't always get the chance. However, this leaves me in the predicament that I don't get any MT which leads to jealousy. Case in point:

Tonight, after last night's HT, he had to go do some things for his side business after work. He came home at 7 from work and left the house at 15 past. At 10:30 I called to see if he was OK and he stated he was visiting his brother. I felt a twinge of icky in my chest. You know, that fast heart-beat that makes you need to take a deep breath and leaves you shaking a little. Yeah, I felt that nastiness. Thoughts flew through my head:

I spent all day working hard. I ran all my errands before he got here. I freed up my night so I could be with him, and what does he do the night after HT? He comes home late, leaves for hours, and ends up hanging out with his brother! Couldn't he have seen his brother yesterday during his 4 hours of HT? Why does he want to spend his free time out at his other job with his business partner, and with his brother instead of at home with me? We don't spend that much time together as it is. Why does he lessen it by staying away from home on the nights I'm here?

And then come the most horrible thoughts that I know I shouldn't even be thinking. Thoughts that I know are untrue and speak ill of me and our union; I begin wondering if he really is where he says he is. This isn't the first time I've thought these things and every time it goes something like this:

Is he really coming home late and spending time away from me because he's sick of me? I there someone else? Has he fallen for a co-worker? Is he secretly going to strip clubs with his brother? Has he started cheating because I can't fulfill his needs? Where is he? Why hasn't he called to say he's on his way home yet? Oh God! Why do I think things like this?? Of course he's where he says he is. He wouldn't have married me if he didn't want to be with me, he's too straight forward a person to cheat. Or am I one of those girls who people secretly say, "Poor girl, doesn't even know he's stepping out on her"? Am I one of the thousands of women who have an inkling but choose not to believe?

I think all of these things, all the while knowing that my insecurity is feeding them, making them stronger and making me weaker. The reason why I have such neurotic thoughts; because I tie myself so tightly in this relationship that my happiness depends on my husband. I have no friends, I don't go out unless it's with him, and on top of it all, I think I'm ugly. I make myself as available as possible and it hurts when he chooses the company of others to me. It hurts to know that I make such a great effort to spend as many waking hours as possible with Hubby, yet he's totally fine to spend a day at work without me, then continue to spend it without me and with his friends. I know this shouldn't bother me, it's healthy to have a life outside of a relationship, but I can't seem to manage it.

I try to force myself to have MT, but when I do I end up feeling guilty because Hubby wants to be with me and I'm not available. It seems like a never ending punishment cycle. When I have MT while he is away, he automatically wants to be near me when I'm busy, and when I clear my time for him, he automatically wants HT. Sometimes I feel so helpless and so small and so stupid. I tell myself I should just go out and do my own thing, but it's just not that easy. If I leave and have fun without him, which has only happened a handful of times, I want to be back near him. I miss him, I feel guilty, I want to share my good times with him. Sometimes I think that part of it is natural and other times I think that maybe I'm taking it overboard. I don't know, you tell me.

So that's my confession: I'm too tied up in my marriage and I don't have a life of my own which makes me get jealous sometimes when I shouldn't. Maybe I need help or maybe I'm just normal but if anyone out there is reading this, I'd surely like some friendly advice. I may not follow your advice, but sometimes it's good to have some outsider input.

My Good Intentions

Alas, I had a million good intentions to write wondeful and glorious things in this space today. I even made a little list of blog topics that came to me whilst out and about this weekend. To my great woe, however, spending a few hours writing a gloriously ciritcal 4 page paper on parallels in Beowulf and how they serve to reflect his fatal character flaw of pride, I am all out of creative juices. Tune in Tuesday, I may have written something witty and insightful by then. Or maybe I'll have written drivel, you decide.
*note- I have edited this post 3 times after noting various grammar mistakes. I really have run out of steam.

Wee!

So this is me, my new blog; a little piece of my life that surely not many will read. I figure this will be a great place for me to put everyday thoughts. A free place where no one knows who I am and I can express myself without feeling as though people I know are watching, judging, storing information for a later date. It's just me; pure unadulterated me. If you'd like, come with me as I figure out what it's all about, or just gripe about having to mop the hardwood.