The Impossibly Great Year

It's been 3 months since I last posted. No wonder no one reads my blog. That, and it's boring as hell. So, tomorrow will be a year with J, and I still feel the same way I did 3 months ago. Life with him is amazing. I find a new reason to love him every day. Today we ran errands together and had a blast just being silly. We ordered a palm tree to plant in the yard as a symbol of our love and we're going to watch it grow, like our relationship. It sounds cheesy when I write it, but I love the idea. It had to be a palm. I'm a California girl. He spent the last 5 years in Florida before moving here to the south. We have set a goal to eventually make our permanent home somewhere that we can take trips to the beach any weekend we want. We are making plans like that because we are permanent.



We talked a lot this weekend. We are getting married. No solid date. No proposal. Just the knowledge that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together, and we'll formally commit to that in the next 4 years. We also want to have a kid. Not soon, but someday. I have never wanted to have someone's child the way I want to have J's baby. I thought I wanted to have ex-hubby's baby at one point, but that quickly faded. J has never wanted a woman to have his child, period.

I think we'd be great parents who could provide a really stable and loving environment for a child. We have so much love between the two of us and I know that would be passed on to our baby. I am so excited about the prospect of what the future holds. I have never been so happy. I have never felt so secure, and sure. I have never trusted anyone the way I trust J. Every day, almost the whole day I just think about how happy I am with my life, and how lucky I am to have what I have wanted all along.

Real

Yesterday marked 9 months of being with J. It was kind of weird to vocalize that, because it doesn’t seem like we’ve been together all that long. In 3 months we will have been together for a year, and honestly I don’t see this relationship coming to an end. Ever. I got to thinking why? What makes this relationship unlike the others, especially the one with ex-hubby?

It’s as if J was like, “Hey! Guess what? There is such a thing as a happy, fulfilling, functional relationship. Here, let me show you.” J has shown me that a relationship is about respect, and partnership, and real love. It is about sharing your dreams and then working together to make them come true. It is about supporting each other, and listening, and giving that much needed hug or kiss or back scratch. It’s about just being together, and liking each others’ company so much that you don’t care what you’re doing, it’s just fun!

It’s about being able to sit and talk for hours about the important stuff, and being able to walk silently and feel comfortable. It’s about being able to be my true, silly, happy, intense self and knowing that he just loves that. It’s the simple, small things, too, like a thank you after the other has done the dishes, or washing and folding the laundry just because you know it will be appreciated.

And then of course there are the juicy bits that I won’t go into detail about, but just say that it’s about being willing to give of yourself. It’s about being comfortable and happy with each other, and the desire to be as close as possible in every single way. It’s about knocking down boundaries because you know that other person loves and respects you so much.

And I guess it all really comes down to that one word. Love is respect times a million.

Where am I headed??

So, I was reading another blog by someone in the education field who also will not be returning next year, and it got me to thinking, so I want to write.

I am feeling majorly guilty about leaving the teaching profession. It seems that society as a whole hails educators as these amazing people who sacrafice and put up with so much for so little. (Who needs better pay when, daily, people tell you how important your job is?) So, it makes me feel like a total asshole to say, "I can't take it. It's not worth the intrinsic rewards." For me, it would be worth the intrinsic rewards if there were more, I guess.

I keep feeling that maybe the lack of student achievement is my fault. Maybe I'm not dedicated enough. Maybe my frustration is showing in the classroom, but then I had my post-evaluation meeting. My principal cried and said he wishes there were some way I could stay. He told me he hoped I wouldn't leave the education field because I have a gift. Geeeez no guilt trip there. A lot of people have been telling me maybe I should just consider a new school, but with where I live I'm going to be facing the same kinds of kids, no matter where I go. And it all really boils down to the fact that I can't pay my bills, on top of being unhappy.

I will concede, though, teaching "Romeo and Juliet" right now has been one of the highlights of my year. I love watching the kids get into it and start yelling at the characters as if they were watching a movie. I apparently have a knack for story-telling (I orally translate each passage after reading)

But I digress, I am just kind of wandering right now with no clue what to do. I still have had no luck in the job hunt and the year is almost over. Luckily we are on a 12 month pay schedule so I have until the end of August to start freaking out about how I am going to pay bills.

P.S. Not so sure about grad school anymore. I realized it was more a decision to make my Ph.D. holiding mother happy. More on that later.

Huge Realization

I am pretty (more so when I am wearing makeup). I realize this, and I accept that this doesn't make me self-centered. This is a big day.

Exhaustion

I promised myself I would work out today. To give it weight last night as we were lying in bed about to sleep, I told J I was going to work out today. It is now time to work out and I don't waaaaaana! The events of the day (teaching 150 teenagers) have drained me of all useful energy. Alas, I will get my booty off the couch and do some crunches, push ups, and reverse hypers. I just keep telling myself you'll feel better once it's over. My inner self better be right or I'm kicking that bitch's ass!

Bleh!

The irrational irritation is back in full force. I would like it to go away now. I would also like some blueberry pancakes, a white mocha, and a bank account balance that is not overdrawn.

Using my Binoculars

My job search continues, and continues not to be fruitful. I keep hoping that I'll get called for an interview soon. I know I'm a bit overqualified for a job as an administrative assistant, but I need something to pay the bills while I study for the GRE and get all my ducks in a row for grad school. I want something easy where I can make a decent salary, but still leave work in the office when I go home. Is that too much to ask?

I keep reminding myself that something will happen when it is meant to happen. I am doing my part by actively looking and applying for jobs, so in time the universe will take care of me and provide me with the job that is right for me. I used to think having connections was all I needed to get a job, now I'm not so sure.

In other news, spring break is almost over. I didn't get to do everything I wanted but it has still been good. I have a lot of grading left and I know I'm not going to get to finish the book I started, but that's life. Things with J are wonderful as always. In fact, we've got a lunch date in a half hour which I'm about to get in my car and head to.

Happy Spring!

I love days with sunshine, a cool breeze, and a long drive. It also helps that I don't have to go to work until Monday. Spring really is the best time of the year.

Picture Perfect

Last week was bad. J's dad came for a visit and all I have to say right now is WOW! I will post more about that later. Friday the world decided to renew by covering the town in a gorgeous blanket of white. 7 inches of snow fell in all. It was beautiful to watch, but melted away quickly yesterday afternoon. J and I decided to go for a walk to the river and watch the sunset, which topped a wonderful day off quite nicely. I love where I live.

Irrational

I am feeling irrationally annoyed at everything around me. This has been going on since Friday night. Every.little.thing. makes me just want to claw out my eyeballs. Sometimes I really hate being menstrual. Maybe I just need some coffee and a hug.

Don't Pinch Me, Please

J sometimes makes me feel as if I'm living a real-life version of some romantic comedy movie. It is amazingly surreal, considering everyone has always told me that life is not like it is in the movies. I have often told myself that, and then here comes this impossibly perfect man.

Today, after sending me a funny, yet sweet email about how happy he is to have me moving into his house I received another email, this time a formal invitation. I have been invited to join him for a Valentine's Day Dinner at one of the fanciest restaurants in town. When I accepted, he replied that I made his day and that he would be honored to dine with a woman as lovely as I. Who does these things in real life? Apparently, my boyfriend does, and I couldn't be happier about it.

My Foolish Heart

PostSecret

It's not my postcard, but it IS my secret. I hope, somehow, he knows without my having to say it.

Death Virus

I would very much like to die now. The death virus, also known as THE FLU, has got me in its grips and is not letting go. After day 4 of feeling like death I think I can safely say this is not your common cold. I must go to the doctor tomorrow, and get some vitamins. I can barely move my body without it screaming out in pain. My eyeballs hurt. This is not OK.

Not Suck(ing it in anymore)

I have a strange knack for being super skinny everywhere but my midsection, which likes to store all the extra fat on my body. So to combat that, I've been working out lately.

To my happy surprise I weighed myself this morning and came in at a beautiful 119 instead of my usual 125! I've lost 6 pounds, and it's noticeable. J says the belly has gotten smaller, and I totally agree. Hooray for me!

Live By This

“The most important thing in life is to stop saying ‘I wish’ and start saying ‘I will.’ Consider nothing impossible, then treat possibilities as probabilities.” –David Copperfield

Suck

The new job search kind of blows. I've decided on a job in "corporate america" and I thought I had a damn good job all lined up and ready to go, and then it disappeared. I'm trying for a few others, but I am suddenly not very optimistic. I know as the wise people say, things happen and fall into place all for certain reasons, but I don't want to be at the hands of the gods. I am doing my part to work for it, so is J, why can't the universe reciprocate? Does the universe not know that this corporate job is just a stepping stone to build up money so I can study massage therapy? I have bigger goals and ambitions, but right now I'll settle for being an administrative assistant or meeting coordinator making a decent $40 to $45K a year.

please?

It's Mutual

I live in a home full of mutual respect, appreciation, support, admiration, and unconditional love. I didn't think it was possible, but it is, and I am grateful every day.

Big Giant Huge Deal

So, the other night J and I were laying in bed talking (where we do all of our serious talking) and broached the topic of the "official move-in," and it is official: I'll be moving into J's place at the end of February. We have been living together on a trial basis for the last 2 months, with me still paying rent for my apartment, but not living there at all. I honestly can't remember the last time I slept in that bed. I have just been blissfully happy about the whole move-in thing, and I still am, but this morning it really hit me.

I.am.moving.in.with.him!

This is a Big Giant Huge Deal. A gal doesn't just go around moving in with any guy she dates. This is real, this is it. I've never moved in with anyone in this way before. When ex hubby and I moved in together we were already engaged and it was kind of a no big deal thing. With J, this is a huge show of commitment. This is the kind of thing where if we break up it's not just ok, I guess I won't be seeing him anymore but rather ok, now I have to pack all my things, find a place to live and move again. The amazing thing is that this idea doesn't scare me in the least. I am actually just so happy and amazed that J wants to commit to me in this way. He's never before lived with a woman, so I feel amazingly special.

I am betting a few years after this will come the next natural step, which will be to get married. J already said that for him, moving in together is a sort of pre-engagement. That makes me happy to hear, because although I've been through one failed marriage, I know what it takes now for a good one, and I know J and I would be great.

A Word to the Wise

get.the.fuck.over.it.and.do.something.about.it. seriously.

Your Mouth

I love the way
your mouth . . .

curves
up in a smile when
you look at me.

caresses
my name when
you speak it.

tastes
delectably sweet when
you kiss me.

feels
soft and warm when
you place it on my skin.

jump-starts
my heart when
you whisper the words, “I love you.”

Just like that . . .

So, after less than 2 years in the classroom I am utterly burnt out on teaching. I hate that I feel this way. I wish I could be the idealistic and optimistic girl who started this 2 years ago, but I'm not. I'm tired. I hate waking up every day at 5 to get to a school where I have no resources and no help. Where the kids are so apathetic that out of 6 classes I get 4 completed homework assignments. Where I get paid so little that I am 3 months behind on my car payment and can't make rent, all the while working 50 to 60 hour weeks. I am tired of feeling like I am steadily bashing my head against a brick wall for nothing. I hate to abandon these kids, I know they desperately need positive influences in their lives, but I can't seem to rise above the anger, resentment, and apathy that they express on a daily basis. I am finding it increasingly impossible to put forth effort when no effort is returned, and so I am done.

I put in an application yesterday for the education and training department of a big corporation here in town. My father has worked for this company for 10 years, J has worked there for 3. Both of the guys seem to really like working there. J knows the people in charge of hiring (connections can make or break you) and it looks like I have a really good chance of getting this job. I am so excited. I will still be using my education expertise, just in a new and really fun way. I'll be making at least $10,000 more a year.

If the government is wondering why our education system is failing, they need look no further than right here. I am an extremely bright woman, I graduated at the top of my class in Education. I went into teaching for all the right reasons and I truly thought I could make a difference. I quickly learned that with the resources available to me it is practically impossible. I am leaving the teaching profession because there is no support for education. I am leaving the teaching profession because I work insane hours and then stay up at night worrying how I'm going to pay my rent next. If the U.S. wants a workforce that is competitive in the global marketplace, they've got to improve education, and you can't improve education without qualified teachers and resources. Next month they'll be losing one more qualified educator.

Bleh!

The new year is not starting out that great.

• I have a nasty bladder infection that has spread to my kidneys. I will be out of comission for the next few days.
• I spent $100 on Rx's yesterday
• I blew $65 on a haircut
• Due to the previous 2 I cannot make a full rent payment this month
• I am behind on several bills
• I'd really like to crawl into a hole and cry

Good things:

• I move out of my apartment and into J's house Feb. 29th
• The move will save me a good deal of money