I dreamt

She dropped from the sky, spinning, draped in rainbow colored robes.

Zero Tolerance Policy

I find that the more life experience I have, the quicker I grow tired of immaturity. Right now, I am so tire of immaturity. Right now, I have zero tolerance for your desire to act like high school never ended. Right now I have zero tolerance for your whining about a no win situation you have put yourself in. I have zero tolerance for your pessimistic attitute towards my life, just because you are miserable. I havezero tolerance for your being passive-agressive and saying rude things in the context of a joke. I don't need things like this in my life, so I'm about to cut you out of it. Grow up.

i DO have confidence in this

When I daydream about spending time with my new love, I often imagine being on the beach in the warm sun and splashing in the waters. When I visualize my feelings Isee that I am underwater, but comfortable with it, not scared or drowning at all. I thought this reoccurence was interesting so I looked it up in a dream interpretaion, and this is what I found. It seems very interesting:

It is Mer or mother of consciousness. Life began in the sea, at the depths. Our blood is salt like the sea, and thus we have an inner sea. It represents universal mind or being, the collective unconscious, nature’s memory where all experience is stored. The infinite cosmic mind. The surface is conscious life, on which the ship, or idea of self, floats, but is really supported and surrounded by uncharted depths. To dive into it is to dive into self, to look beneath the surface of consciousness, to look back to the source of life, to enter the womb or soul, to reach limitless mind. The sea shore Is the point where all our elements meet. The sea holds either in its depths, or floating somewhere, vast treasures, all the things which men have ever made or thought of or done. Thus the sea can wash them ashore and bring them to our notice, or unveil them to us.

The sea is also universal substance, the stuff that dreams or thoughts or emotions are made of. Thus it symbolises an aspect of inner life, the substance of consciousness, that takes form as thought, emotion, revelation, depending upon which circumstances are shaping it, or whether it is the spirit or Inner urges that move it. So waves are impulses, waves of emotion or urges.

Water represents your feelings, a river the flow of our feelings and energies, and the sea the whole personality from outer surface to the depths of the unconscious, so swimming becomes an ability to cope with your inner feelings and energies. To swim easily is to have confidence in yourself, and a trust in life to support your activities and efforts. To be at home in the waters is to feel at ease with your sexual urges, ambitions, desires and instincts.

Paired

My head cannot reconcile what is happening in my heart. Was happiness always so close at hand?

The Confirmation Hurts

How am I supposed to deal with this? I was out at a ball game tonight when I ran into the Ex Hubby and the bitch he cheated on me with. As soon as she introduced herself to my friend as Lacey I just looked at Ex Hubby, flipped him off, told him to fuck himself & walked away. After which I proceeded to freak the fuck out. I can't believe it happened. I can't believe I got the truth I thought I would never get. I can't believe it still hurts this much after so long. There were so many things I wanted to say and do to both him and her, but I didn't.

I have to see him tomorrow to pick my dog up from him. I will no be going alone. Penny will go with me, because if I were alone there is no telling what I might say or do. I just can't fucking believe it. I feel sick & my heart is beating a million miles an hour. I just wish I had someone to talk to.

Sun is Shining

I hate rhyming crap, but this could make a nice chorus to a cheesy song. I'm happy.

I thank god for prayers that went unanswered,
and the shattering of my "happily ever after."
The life I live now is beautiful and free,
you'll never again be able to control me.
I run wild and I run fast
and keep hoping all of this will last.
I'm gonna travel the world and dance in the sun
and enjoy this life cause we only get one.

Time & Space Seperate (shannon)

It's funny how I look at her and wonder if you ever realized how much alike we are. I wonder if you looked at my face and saw her. I wonder if your slight disdain for me came from the fact that I am her, slightly watered down, but only watered down because you managed to break me. You could not break her. Funny how you did the same thing to us. You "let [us] go" because you knew it was best for us. You were right. I see her and I can only imagine the wonderful things I will be, if she is what women discarded by you turn out to be.

Candy Heart

You ask me,
“Will you turn
bitter?” I answer,
“No” but I am
lying to you. I can feel
the disappointment pour
over my tiny
little heart. I can feel
it crust over and harden
like a candy
coating. Nowhere near
sweet.

My Wave of Fury

My new emotion seems to be anger. I am so angry. So fucking angry! I just want to pour it out all over Ex Hubby's head. I want to wash him in my angry words. I want to baptize him with my anger. I have so many questions that I feel I deserve the answers to. I want to know why he watched me dangle helplessly in the wind while he "made up his mind." In the end he didn't make up his mind. He was a coward and made me make his mind up for him. I want to know why he's such a sniveling coward.

He wonders why I act so strange when I am around him and I just want to tell him, "Because I'm angry as hell. It takes most of my physical and emotional strength not to hit you, and scream at you, and unleash the fury that swells up inside of me when I see you and your smug fucking face! "

I don't want to be so angry, but I am. I guess it is just all part of the process. I just have so many questions. I have so many things that I want to say to him. I feel that I deserve a truth I will never receive, and that knowledge eats at me. I am so tired of people not knowing what they want, and dragging people into their mess of a life.

Sratching at My Surface

I am staying with my sister and her husband and I hate them. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly, but they drive me crazy. They remind me of all the things my marriage was not. They remind me of all the things I wish for. They remind me of the comfort of just having someone there.

I keep watching them in their adorable little daily routine and it makes me think about Ex Hubby. I don't want to think about him, and I don't think that I really miss him. I just miss the comfort of him. I miss having someone to sit on the couch with, even if he was sitting on the opposite side of the room. Being around them makes me miss Ex Hubby in a way, but then I think about the fact that we never had any of the things that I see in my sister and her husband, and then the sadness over my divorce dies. Then I am just left with the sadness over the fact that I was married and never felt that, and the sadness that is provoked by the big question. The question of, will I ever find that? Will I ever have a happy and meaningful relationship?

In my nearly 25 years I have yet to have a successful relationship, and that makes me worried about my future.

Stop Motion

Life is a stop-motion
movie. I am making start-stop
progress. Moving forward one
centimeter at a time.

When you rewind
and watch it all play
back. It will speed
up and blossom full.

No more stop-
go, stop-go, but
fast-fast-fast! The illusion
of quick & painless.

I Hear Ticking

My heart has been aching recently with a knowledge I don't think I was ready for. I guess it is not a bad thing, just something that has come at a very odd time in my life. I have realized that I want children. The way I love Penny's children amazes me. My heart swells and my world lights up when I see those two beautiful faces smiling. Several of my friends are having children and deep iniside of me something cries out with the desire for that. Funny though, that this would happen after I get divorced and see no man to have these babies with in my future. I guess in a way it makes sense. My heart and my mother-instincts knew not to desire children with Ex Hubby; knew it would be disaster, heartbreak, sadness that would last all of our lives if we had made that permanent bond between us.

I know I don't need or want a child right now, but someday after I've gotten all of the "living for me" out of the way I'd like to live for a tiny, beautiful little person. I'm hoping when the day comes that I am ready for that, there will be someone there who is willing to make it happen. For now I'll just enjoy Penny's girls & the knowledge that both my sister & best friend will be having babies soon.

Money, money, money, money!

As a teacher in an extremely poor rural area, I make barely any money. In fact, I do not make enough money to pay the bills I have. If you include the alimony payments that I receive from Ex Hubby every month, I still do not make enough money to cover all neccesary expenses. This is a very, very sad thing. Recently I have gotten ridiculously behind on my bills. Almost every bill I had was one month past due. This had me freaking out, crying, the whole bit. I had nothing left to do but call mom and dad, and of course, they came to the rescue.

I have no idea what I would do without them. Today I balanced my checkbook and paid all of my bills. It feels so good to know that as of right now I am caught up on every bill that I owe. I am not behind on anything. I paid my cable, electric, phone, credit card, & car bills. Next week I will get paid & be able to pay my rent. It is such a relief to know that I will not be behind on bills again unless I spend frivolously and put myself in that hole.I cannot afford the services of my phsychologict & psychaiatrist, so instead of stopping treatment my parents have generously offered to pay those bills for me until I can get back on my feet.

Getting back on my feet means that I will have to find some sort of part-time job. I really hate the fact that I am a degree-holding professional who works waaaay more than 40 hours a week, and still don't make enough money to live on. It just doesn't seem fair that someone who has one of the most important jobs in the country im't paid enough to pay all of her bills.

An Open Letter

Man I've Been Dating,

I wasn't ready. I told you and you didn't believe me. You thought you could change me. You can't. That is the one thing I learned. You can't change someone. Never, never, never! You can help someone change if they want to, but you can't make them do it if they don't. There is too much pressure. You want too much from me. I can't give you what you want. I kept telling you. You said you'd wait. You didn't understand that you could wait forever, it's not happening. I don't want you to wait. I want you to be happy. I am not the future wife you are looking for. Stop asking me for what I can't provide, it only makes me feel worse.

I am still sad. I am still holding on. I am still feeling hurt. I am still searching for the truth that I deserve. I can't be who you need me to be.

Sincerely,
Jane

Where am I going??????

I get the feeling that things with my new guy are going a little too far too quickly. I am so confused and mixed up. I realy like him a lot, and I've neve rhad anyone be so sweet to me, but I'm not sure I'm ready for what he's offering. I keep telling him exactly how I feel. I keep telling him that I'm not ready for anything serious, etc. but I'm not sure he's getting it. He keeps telling me he'll wait as long as it takes, etc.

He came over last night and hung out, then we went to bed and he made me waffles this morning. I woke up and kept thinking to myself that although I like him, I'm not ready to commit myself to him. I find myself less attracted to him, and I think it has to do with how much he likes me. I think he kind of scares me. I know I should just go with it and enjoy it, but I'm worried. I am so scared that I'll break his heart. He's a virgin and has made it clear that he'd like to lose it to me, but I just don't think I can let him do that. He's looking for a wife, and I am so not ready to be one.

I love hnaging out with him, he makes me smile and laugh. We have a great time, and I love the fact that he lives downtown. I want to back things off a little, but I have no idea how to do it without hurting him. I am so confused. I don't think I was ready for this. The pressure is getting ot me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to hurt him, but I'm so worried about it.

Wild Child

While I am enjoying my new dating life, my poor sleep cycle is not. I am so ridiculously tired all the time. I really must stop running around at all hours of the night like a young lady of my age should be. Last night I was out until 11 with my new beau. Today as I administer a test to my children, I find myself feeling the tug of sleepiness. I will not give in. I never do, but so help me, it is tempting.

Single, for how long?

The date went amazingly well last night. I met up with him at 6 and did not get home until a little after midnight. We ate dinner, we bowled, we played ski-ball and air hockey. After that we walked around downtown and ended up in a bar with a live blues band. After hanging out and listening for a while they played a slow song and he asked me to dance. He asked me to dance!! The last time a man danced with me was when Ex Hubby danced with me at our wedding. I find this dancing a wonderful and romantic thing. At the end of our dance I was twirled. Being twirled is a great thing! As we walked to my car holding hands he stopped and asked if he could kiss me. I said yes. 'Twas a good kiss. So far this has been the best date I've ever been on.

We're going out again tonight, and I haven't stopped smiling since last night. I really didn't want a boyfriend, but I think I may end up with one.

Trials and Tribulations

I am so ridiculously tired! I couldn't sleep last night because I was so excited about tomorrow. I have sleeping pills, but they turn me into a zombie for the entire next day, so I was S.O.L. Today I had to work, thenI was supposed to come home, then run out to my doctor. When I got home I saw that my folks had FedExed me a check, so I had to run to the bank, then back home to let the dog out, then back out to go to the doctor. As I had just gotten on the freeway, his office called and said he was back up and I could reschedule if I wanted. Apparently the gods were feeling kind today! I rescheduled my appointment, headed home and now here I sit.

I am so hungry, yet I have no energy to get up and make something. Add to that the fact that when my blood sugar dips below a certain level (which it has) I have even less energy than normal and it is almost unbearable to stand for any length of time over a minute. Another reason why I miss living with someone. After he was done yelling at me for letting my blood sugar get so low, Ex Hubby would get up and make me a protein filled snack. Oh well, I'll go get some string cheese that I bought specifically for instances like this.

I am going to sleep like a baby tonight (hopefully). I don't see how I couldn't with how tired I am right now. I can't believe my date is tomorrow!! Wee!

Wednesday

Is it Wednesday yet?? Ahhhh! I know I shouldn't be this excited about my date, but I can't help it. I talked to him again today and he just cracked me up. I just want to keep talking to him because he makes me smile and laugh so much. I know it's not a good idea to be so available and willing to talk, but I can't help it. I hope I'm not getting excited over nothing. It would really suck if I got there and he wasn't as charing or funny in person. At least we've talked on the phone and he was still really funny.

I have no idea what to expect. We made a bet today that the loser of the bowling game has to buy dessert. I had no idea we were eating, I thought we were just going bowling, but now apparently there is food involved. ill we be having dinner? Will it just be bowling and dessert? I have no idea. It has been far too long since I've been on a date. I just hope he kisses me. I really want to kiss him already.

I have a date!

It is official. I have my first PD (post divocre) date. I am going out Wednesday night with a guy I met online. His name is B and he just moved to my town a few months ago from up north. He is 30 and is working in radio and as a bellman at a local swanky hotel until he gets a regular gig at one of the radio stations in town. Apparently he moved here kind of on a whim, with no job or anything, which I really think is pretty cool. It sounds like something I would be tempted to do. We've been talking online and on the phone and he just cracks me up every time I talk to him, which is a huge turn on in my book. Fun and laughter are the ultimate aphrodisiacs for me.

We are going to meet up near his apartment downtown and do some bowling. We are both pretty bad at it, so we've decided a request for bumpers is in order. I can't exactly explain how I am feeling about this. Part of me thinks that maybe it is too soon to be dating again, but part of me is so happy to have a date. I am so mixed up though, I keep getting ahead of myself and wondering abpout the future of things if we hit it off.

I don't really want a boyfriend right now, but I don't want to not hang out with him if I like him. I guess I should probably just take things one day at a time and just see how the date goes. I thought about the possibility of kissing another man. I haven't kissed anyone but Ex Hubby in 5 years. How will it feel? Will I be OK with it?? I can't even imagine having sex with anyone else. No one but EH has seen me naked in 5 years. Yikes!