No Decisions Have Been Made

We had our counseling appointment yesterday. I guess things went pretty well. Hubby still needs some time to think about what he wants. I am supposed to give him some time and space to do his thinking. I made sure to let him know that either way things go; I'll be OK. We discussed the fact that he's afraid that if he says he wants a divorce I might hurt myself. I told him I was stronger than that. Sure, I'd be sad and depressed for a while, but I'm a strong person. I can make it through anything. This included.

Maybe I'm Not Up for Being a Victim of Love

I'm so tired of my life right now. This living purgatory I'm trapped in just isn't working. I just want to sleep through the next 5 days. Wednesday is D-Day. I feel like that will be the day the verdict will be handed down. The direction of the rest of my life is trapped in one little box on the calendar. Will he decide to try to make it work, or will he decide he can't? Either way I'll be glad to have the shaking stop. I'm not sure my nerves will hold out much longer.

Depression Settles In

As each day passes I become less and less hopeful that my marriage is going to survive. Hubby and I have had several talks about our marriage, what we wantto change, what we think can change, and the effort that is going to be required. I made it clear to Hubby that I was willing to work as hard as need be to make things work between us. I did not take our marriage vows lightly.

I asked Hubby for a statement of his commitment to making things work. He said he could not promise me anything, because he didn't want to hurt me more if he broke his promise. He says that if the counselor tells him he has to change himself or his life he's not going to do it. That doesn't leave me much hope.

At one point in our discussion he said the phrase, "I feel like I want to let you go, but I can't."
In response, through a heavy stream of tears, I responded, "If you want to let me go you need to. I'm not trying to be mean, but I need to take care of myself too. I don't want to waste years of my life with someone who doesn't really want to be with me."
His reply: "I know. I am unhappy about a lot of things in our marriage, but I don't want to ever stop taking care of you." I don't know what to think anymore.

I told him that the ball was 100% in his court, because I really don't want to be with Hubby if he's just staying with me to keep from hurting me. I may have made the mistake of telling him that if we divorce I'm moving back west and I probably won't be able to talk to or be around him for a very long time. He says he hates to see me crying and hurting, and that he doesn't want to hurt me. He says he hates the thought of not being able to talk to me if we called it off. Honestly I don't know what he expects of me. I know I wouldn't be able to just get over the fact that our marriage is over. I know that every time I talked to him or was around him I would just be hurting and wishing for some miracle to make things the way they used to be. I'm already wishing that enough as it is.

I'm a total wreck. I'm so anxious that I can barely eat. I shake constantly. Sometimes I can fall asleep, sometimes I can't, but when I do I toss and turn and have nightmares. My stomach is a mess. I stopped crying for the most part though, I think my body is out of tears. I just want to know what is going to happen. I'm tired of feeling this way.

Where's the Rewind Button??

It's nearing 2:30 and I can't sleep. I have to be up at 5 and ready to teach 140 teenagers. I'm not sure how I'll do it; I guess lots of caffeene. I keep laying there in bed thinking about everything. I can't stand having my life in limbo. I can't stand feeling like my husband doesn't love me because the only hugs I've gotten in the past week have been forced by me. I'm hurting so much that I just want to scream. I just want it to go away. I want my normal life back.

I still don't believe in divorce

I thought a lot today about the possibility of divorce; about what it might be like and how it might be easier. I began to see how so many people in this country end up divorced. It seems like such an easier option than staying through the incredibly tough parts and working on a relationship. I thought today about moving back home to California, and about getting my own apartment near all of my old friends. I thought about being on my own for once in my life. I imagined having a night job and spending my days pursuing some type of acting or modeling career. I thought about going to parties and clubs with my friends. I thought about taking extended weekend camping trips, and traveling to all of the places in the world I want to go.

I thought about the handful of single people I know and how much fun their lives seem. Then I really thought about how empty and lonely that life would be. Sure, there would be friends and parties, but there would also be an empty apartment to come home to. Yes, I would see the places in the world I want to see, but I would do it alone and thinking about how much Hubby would enjoy being there too. I began to think about the fact that I really didn’t get to be in my 20’s. Hubby and I were engaged by the time I was 20 and married when I was 22. Now I’m 24 and have been to a club 2 times in my life. I thought about all of that, but then I thought about how the fun of the typical 20’s life seems so hollow compared to the fulfillment my successes have brought me.

Thinking of the word success made me reflect on the successes that lie ahead in life, both for me, and Hubby. I thought about Hubby getting his promotion in the next year and how much I want to be there when he gets it. How much I want to be by his side as he achieves his goals. How I want to beam proudly at him from our table at a banquet as he’s congratulated in some way or another for being the amazing person he is. That thought took me to my frustrations about his recent long hours at work and I began to really hear everything he has said to me about them in the past. I suddenly realized how much this means to him, and it made me ashamed for being so selfish and simply wanting him home to keep me company.

Hubby doesn’t have a college education, but he has an amazing work ethic and drive to succeed. He is making it to bigger and better places by hard work alone. I respect that so much and I finally understand how much this means to him. Not only is he doing this for himself though, he’s doing it for us. He’s doing it to provide a better home and life. I want to stand by his side and support him in this because his happiness and success really matter so much to me. I think I’ve lost track of some priorities along the way and somehow figured that all of my wants and desires should come first and that is just not fair to Hubby; both of our wants and desires should be met.

It could be so easy to give up, but I realize that my life would be so empty without Hubby. I want to share everything life has to offer with him. I want to go through all of the amazing successes with him. I want to support each other through the hard times, and come out with a stronger bond. I want to someday snuggle up on the couch in our dream home with glasses of wine in our hands and enjoy just being there in the moment where our hopes have come true. I want to share satisfied and content moments with him on Sunday morning in bed before we get up for the day.

I want so much to be a better person. I want to trust again (which I do know I can't do without his help). I want to stop being jealous and insecure. I want to believe in myself, my abilities, my husband, his love for me, and our marriage. I want to love, trust, and support Hubby. I want to share equally in both the blessings and the burdens of life, and I want all of those things to be returned. I want to rebuild what we have started, and continue together, for the rest of our lives, to create a life we can be proud of. I want to get over the jumble of ugliness that is in my head and just be happy. I think it’s possible. I know it won’t happen over night, but I am so ready to try my hardest. Without working on the insecurity and jealousy though, there will be nothing left of our marriage. I destroyed a lot of it by turning into this stranger in the mirror. I’m not who Hubby married, and I’m not who he fell in love with. I’m not particularly happy about, or proud of this jealous person I have become.

I guess it boils down to the fact that I thought a lot today about what it would be like to end our marriage; and as a fantasy it seemed so tempting, but as a reality I know it would not be what I wanted. Being married to Hubby is what I want and what makes me happy. Starting today I commit myself to working as hard as I can to make our marriage work. I hope that he is willing to make that same commitment. If he is, I have hope that we can get through this, and in the end re-commit ourselves and our lives to one another.

Wild Horses

Haunting, hollow voices
echo "Wild Horses"
as I sit
in my darkened car imagining
the results of leaving
the engine on
parked in our garage.

I wanted to be young,
romantic, and reckless.
Driving nowhere holding
hands and looking at the stars
through the roof
of the car we thought could take
us anywhere our love led us.

Instead we sit watching
as the stars rain
from the sky around
us. They are beautiful
as they fall
but will never illuminate
our sky again.

Somehow we're here
strangers in the same
house. Old and haggard in our prime.
Young, romantic, and reckless seem
to have passed us by like wild mustangs.
Can we run fast
enough to catch up?

Disappointment

I’m so upset and confused, and hurt, and disappointed. So disappointed. In a lot of people. I’m disappointed in a lot of things I’m so disappointed. I’m not sure what I was expecting when I said I’d marry Hubby, but I’m sure it wasn’t this. I’m disappointed in what our marriage has become. I didn’t sign on for his insane work hours, for him telling me he isn’t happy. I didn’t sign on to barely see him, and when I do for it to be when he’s on his way to the weight room. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say anymore. I locked him out of our room tonight when he hadn’t come home by 10. Maybe it wasn’t the most mature or brightest decision I’ve ever made, but I did it.

When he finally got home and wanted in around 10:45 I wouldn’t let him in. He tired the knob thinking it was broken, but it wasn’t then he knocked and asked me to open the door. I told him that there were two other beds in the house. He knocked a few more times and when I didn’t answer he went to another bedroom. I laid there for a minute and realized that it probably wasn’t the wisest move. I went to tell him he could come in our room and he had the other room locked. I guess I had that coming. I told him he could come in and he said he didn’t want to, and that he didn’t know why I locked the door.

Didn’t know??? Really and honestly he had no clue as to why I would lock him out of our room?? I’m so sure! I told him that I was angry because he keeps coming home between 8 and 10 every night form work. He’s been doing this for about a month now. I’m so tired of it. Maybe if those were his scheduled hours, but his scheduled hours are 8 to 6. He just stays late because he wants to. He keeps saying that it is for us. That he’s trying to get a promotion. My question is, if that is the case why is he still doing it after his boss already told him that he wouldn’t be able to give him the promotion.

He might then say that I shouldn’t complain because he’s using the money from his job to pay the house note and that he shouldn’t be locked out of any room in his house. But to that I say, somehow all of this other co-workers seem to get home to their wives and children at a decent time, and still pay for their house. Why is it that he has to stay so late???

He needs to draw some kind of line. He needs to let it go at some point. Staying at work until 10 isn’t healthy. I’m beginning to think that he’s turned into a workaholic. The one night he told me he was going to get off at a decent time his boss came in last minute with a bottle of champagne and said that they needed to celebrate the New Year. So what did he do?? He stayed at work for another 2 hours to hang out with his boss instead of me. That doesn’t really make me feel that great.

I’m not quite sure what he’s trying to do with working all of these late hours. He knows I have trust issues and sometimes I think he’s doing it just to test me and see how much I trust him. Tonight I wanted so badly to get in my car and drive to his work to make sure he was there, but that is crazy Jane talking, so instead I just stewed. Just lime I’m stewing now. I should be in bed. I’ve got 140 9th graders that need me alert and ready to teach them tomorrow. But instead I’ll end up groggy and irritated at them for nothing they did. Part of me is writing this right now just to annoy him because he’s in the next room. I don’t want him to be able to sleep if I can’t sleep.

I tried calling Penny. She talked to me for about 10 seconds before she said her daughter had come into her room, and she needed to tend to her. She said she’d call me back, and still she hasn’t called. I need someone to talk to so badly. I just am so frustrated and disappointed. I sat and listened while Penny cried into the phone to me for hours when she was going through the problems with her divorce, but she can’t take the time to listen to me as I’m freaking out about my husband.

My therapist cancelled 5 appointments in a row on me and Hubby about 3 months ago. I never called to schedule another appointment. She never called me to get me to come back in. I’m disappointed that someone who said that they cared about me, someone who would hug me and tell me they loved me at the end of every session never called to check on me, never wanted to make sure that I was OK. I just feel very un-cared for right now. My husband doesn’t want to be around me, my closest friend can’t find the time to talk to me when I need her, my therapist doesn’t care if I’m doing OK.

I know this might sound like a little bitch-fest/pity party, and you know what, it is, but I really don’t care. I’m hurt and I want to get my feelings out. Why are things this way? Why can’t everything be peachy? Why did I lock the door? Why won’t Hubby come into our room now? What is tomorrow going to be like? Why am I so dumb? What the hell did I get myself into? Am I ever going to be happy with things the way they are??

I had a thought about that the other day. Why can’t I just let things be? Why am I never happy with things the way they are? Am I self-destructive? Am I just a total psycho? Am I a perfectionist in the weirdest places of my life where there will never be perfection? Sometimes I can’t stand myself. Why the hell can’t I just be normal? Or is this normal?

I take Lexapro for depression and anxiety, Depakote for leg twitches (and I have a sneaking suspicion bi-polar disorder), Provigil for Excessive Daytime Sleepiness, and Yasmin because I’m so totally fucked up that I can’t even imagine being able to take care of another human being. This is me.

Holiday Wrap Up

Christmas was good. Hubby, Dad, and I went over to the in-laws for some Christmas breakfast and present opening. Our 10 year old nephew has never gotten exceptionally excited when he opens presents, and this year was no exception. I think dad was a little shocked by that. We could all tell that our darling nephew did indeed enjoy his presents, though.

I got a stocking full of Godiva goodies, a million gift certificates, a blue iPod!, accessories for said iPod, and lots of other small fun stuff. The best part was watching Hubby and Dad open the presents I bought for them. I try to put a lot of thought into thegifts I buy so I'm always terribly excited to see people open their gifts.

We spent most of the afternoon at the in-laws, but then headed back to the Jane & Hubby house. I commenced the preparation of the traditional Christmas Enchiladas. They were delicious as always. We watched the best of Alec Balwin on SNL as we ate, and enjoyed each others' company and some hearty laughs.

This Christmas was pretty perfect for the Christmas that it was. I wasn't expecting anything great with most of my family spread out across the country. I enjoyed the strange, but happy time we had.

Now I'm off the brave the post-holiday shopping crowd and spend all those gift certificates. Hubby is urging me to buy some new clothes. For some reason he thinks there is something wrong with wearing clothes that have been saftey-pinned back together (on the inside). I guess he's right. I'm just hoping most people have gone to work by now, and I can enjoy a mall filled only with teenagers and teachers who are out of school, and old people. We'll see!

The Smells of the Season

One of my faorite things about the holiday season is that I finally have time to bake all of the goodies I want, and I actually have tons of people who will eat them. Yesterday I cooked up 2 giant batches of my grandma's famous toffee. She passed away several years ago, and for the longest we didn't have our annual batch of toffee. Lukily a few years ago my aunt's mother remembered that Grandma had given her the recipe, so holiday order has been restored.

This morning I got up and baked 4 dozen cookies to go along with the toffee, and I'm about to make a lovely batch of spinach & artichoke dip. I can't wait to serve it up to everyone at my in-laws' house tonight. Yipee!

Magnetic Haikus

I've been out of town visiting my sis, and celebrating my birthday. Both were great. As an x-mas present from my buddy Penny I got a magnetic haiku kit. This could not be more appropriate. I've made a few and thought I'd share.

Haiku Time 2!

I've been grading haikus for hours, and have finally been pushed to the edge of insanity. Here is my haiku for today. Enjoy!

Don’t mess with Mrs.
Jane Doe. She’s kind of crazy.
Unstable teacher.

Haiku Time

The clouds float by me.
They speak to me of lost dreams.
Can I make them stay?

Beautiful Models

I snapped at Hubby tonight. I probably shouldn't have but I did. I probably shouldn't have watched the end of the victorious Secret fashion show with him either, but I did. (Which is what spurred me to snap at him.)

He probably shouldn't have come from work at 9:30 PM, but he did. In addition to his unreasonably late night, we watched the above mentioned fashion show. As we were watching he pointed out his favorite model and said she had a beautiful face. The frustration set it when I heard that because I can't remember the last time he used to word beautiful to describe me, but he can use it to describe a super model of course.

He's been working out, and I've been gaining weight. I worked out today and all he said was, "good." That all in conjunction tonight hasn't made me feel very good about myself. And so I snapped when he tried to undo my bra in the middle of the kitchen, when he tried to tickle my crotch (don't ask, it sooo annoying), when he tried to tickle my knee. Yes all of these things are insanely annoying, and honestly I didn't want him to touch me. Bleh!

Victory is Mine!

I got up at 5:30 this mornign to hit up the Best buy holiday sale. I ended up standing in line in 32 degree weather for 20 minutes just to get into the store. When I got in I battled the crowds to get christmas presents. I emerged victorious with the spoils of war. My brother in law will now have a brand new Cannon digital camera, a picture printer, a 2 GB memory card, and picture paper and an extra cartridge for his printer. He doesn't own a computer, but he'll still be able to use his digital camera and print out pictures. I got my mother in law a DVD recorder so she can transfer her home movies onto DVDs. I bought Hubby a kit so that he can play his iPod in the car. I got myself a recargeable 8 hour battery for my new portable DVD player. It was insanity, but I guess it was worth it because x-mas is pretty much taken care of. I didn't even spend that much money, and that was the whole point of being that at the butt-crack of dawn.

You bet I came home and went back to sleep for a few hours.

Bubbling

I love to cook, so the past few days have been heavenly for me. Yesterday I cooked up 2 chocolate mousse pies. Today I whipped up a big batch of whipped cream to top the pies with and currently the creamiest mashed potatoes on Earth pr bubbling away on the stovetop. At least I've still got one of the joys of the holiday season.

Then There Were Two

Packing up my parents' house is an odd experience. As Brent and I packed up the photo collages from my childhood I couldn't help but look at all of the pictures and get misty eyed. I wouldn't exactly call my childhood perfect, but looking at those pictures it made me so sad to know that my family is now scattered to the wind. Mom and dad in New Mexico, sister in Colorado, Grandmother in California, and me here in the south. My entire family used to live within a 60 mile radius of one another in California. I don't know what the rest of my life holds, but I'm worried that the rest of it won't include the closeness with my family that it has up until this point. It's so hard to part ways.

It's so hard to pack up the house; so hard to look at the spot in the kitchen where Hubby proposed to me; hard to go into the room where my mother helped me put on my wedding dress. Hard to turn the page on a chapter of my life. I'm excited, but scared to live on my own, just Hubby and I. I'm excited to see what kind of family Hubby and I build together, just the two of us here floating along in our life. We've already decided on our own little Christmas, just the two of us.

Just the two of us.

Not Her Favorite Human

The puppy needed a bath. I can’t afford to send her to the groomer so I did it myself this morning. She looks adorable but I have now earned the title, “Not Her Favorite Human.” Hopefully after I’m done running my errands for the day she’ll have forgotten all about it and snuggle up on the couch with me. She really does look simply gorgeous! P.S. The bed my mom bought her says it all.

The Swinging of the Scales

I'm so disappointed I don't even really know what to say. One of my students had been out for a few days last week. I figured he was suspended, because he's suspended a lot, but when he didn't come back after the fourth day I got worried. I asked his classmates if they had heard from him. That's when one of them told me he was in jail for committing a hate crime. I'm baffled. He wasn't the best of my kids, he'd said some rude a lewd things to me while my back was turned (which he couldn't be punished for since I didn't see him say them), but this is of a totally different caliber. I honestly didn't think any of my kids were capable of something like this.

Word around school is that he'll be in jail for at least 10 months. I'm just baffled. My view of my kids has been changed. No, I don't think they're all a bunch of awful hooligans and thugs, but I guess I should understand that they're not all angels. I guess I was a little naive. I get frustrated because I couldn't get through to him. He seemed to be making a honest effort to do better in my class. I thought I had inspired him to achieve, apparently not.

I still have my student T though. He is such a wonderful kid. The other teachers might have agreed to send him to alternative school, but I cried when they told me they were sending him away. I'm the one teacher who has always said positive things to him. Even when I caught him cheating on a test, I just told him I was disappointed and knew he was better than that, instead of telling him he was a bad person. Now every morning before he gets on the bus to go to alternative school he comes by my room to say good morning and tell me how much he misses me and my class. We are both counting down the days until he can come back. I honestly think I'm making a huge impact on his life. And I guess that makes up for the bad news.

I Can Do Better

I can't sleep. I was just laying there in bed tossing and turning and thinking about my effectiveness as a teacher. I keep wondering if I'm good enough at what I do. Am I impacting their lives? Am I teaching them something new everyday? Am I getting through to them, or am I just setting them up for failure? Am I doing enough?

I don't feel like I'm using enough innovative and fresh strategies in my classroom. I don't feel like I'm stimulating their minds enough. I feel like I have so much to work on before I can be considered a good teacher. I get so frustrated because I have all these doubts and concerns, but when I approached my district about attending the NCTE conference in Nashville, TN they said there wasn't enough money. Here I am wanting to better myself as an educator and my district is saying "no."

I never knew I would learn so much during just my first semester, but I have. A few changes I'm going to make after the winter holidays:

-New seating arrangements.
-Give more feedback in a timely manner.
-Plan, plan, plan!
-Plan some more. I want a whole map of the final semester written down.
-Start reading more journals for innovative ideas.
-Organize my space. (A cluttered work area is a cluttered mind)
-Give my room a fresh new look.

There are more things I'd like to do, but I just can't think of them right now. I've got 2 1/2 weeks of real teaching time left in this semester. Somehow I'm going to try to make the most of it.

Picture Perfect

Fall is such a beautiful time in my backyard. Enjoy.

Sweet Corn Soup

I'm out again for tomorrow. Still feeling really low. I called the principal on the verge of tears and apologized profusely. He kept reassuring me that all he wants is for me to feel better. That's all I really want too.

Hubby should be arriving shortly with some organic creamy sweet corn soup for my dinner. I think that and saltines are about all my stomach can stomach for now. I had lots of plans for the weekend, but oh well. Getting better is the only plan now.

Too Soon

Apparently I went to work a little too early. I got up and braved the insanity yesterday. Around 5th period I started feeling a little funky. By the time the after-school faculty meeting rolled around I was officially not doing well. I had awful cramps in my upper back muscles, a killer headache, and nausea. I listened as the principal droned on then packed up things in my dark cool classroom and headed home. I laid on the couch and ate saltines and talked on the phone to my sister. I had no fever so I figured it was just being tired. This morning I was up at 4 wanting to die because I was so nauseous but couldn't throw up. I woke up at 5 to get ready and checked my temp. Continuously, still no fever, just the same crappy feeling from last night. Then I finally threw up, it felt awful, but good.

So, I'm home feeling like shit again. Now I have a fever, which makes me happy, because then I can rule out an unwanted miracle pregnancy. (Yes I take birth control religiously, it would have to be an act of a higher being). I'm just so tired of being sick. I'm freaked out that my boss isn't going to renew my contract next year. If I go to work tomorrow I'm going to sit down with him and talk to him about what has been going on. Please send speedy recovery thoughts my way. Being sick is no fun.

I'm a sick Dharma!!

There is a myth that all first year teachers stay sick constantly because they aren't immune to all of the gunk their students carry. Apparently I am living proof of the myth. I finally broke down and went to the doctor today. My "cold" had lasted a week and a few days. I've been waking up with terrible headaches that won't go away, and yesterday and today I kept running a fever. Turns out I'm in the last stages of fighting the flu. My temp at the Dr.'s office was 100, which is pretty high for someone who's normal body temp. is between 96-97 degrees. I am resting at home and sleeping a lot until Wednesday. I'm scared that my boss is going to get angry with me and not renew my contract next year. Cross your fingers for me.

In happier news, I received the best compliment on Friday. My male co-worker told me that I have always reminded him of Jenna Elfman's character "Dharma" from the show "Dharma and Greg." He made sure to stress that it wasn't just because I looked like her, but that I definitely acted like her. I told Penny about it and she agreed wholeheartedly. You can't imagine how happy this makes me. I have always loved that character because I always hoped I could be that happy, carefree, kind and down-right hippie-ish! Apparently others think I am, which is wonderful, but also explains why I often feel out of place in my new home in the south.

Caffeine = Laughter

I had a very busy weekend. Friday I baked a sugar free cake from scratch for Sunny's surprise birthday party, then I went to a basketball game with my dad. We had the most amazing time. We didn't even watch the game, just drank beer, ate and talked about life; our dreams, our goals, our fears, the things that make us happy. We talked about how much we both miss my mom and how glad we are that she'll be here for a visit next week. It was a really great night. It made me so happy, but so sad at the same time because I know I only have a limited time to have these times with my dad before he moves to NM with mom. I'm going to miss them so badly. The three of us became so close these past 5 years. Living in a new state together and starting over together, just the 3 of us, created this amazing bond that can never be broken.

Yesterday I got my nails done, bought Sunny's b-day gift, made the frosting and decorated the cake, then drove the hour and a half to the party. I felt pretty out of place with all of her family, especially since Hubby didn't accompany me (he's sick).

Today Penny and I met up at Starbucks and talked for about an hour and a half, most of the time laughing hysterically. Then we went to Wal-mart together and continued laughing until our sides hurt. After I got home I did a bunch of grading and watched football with Hubby. I'm so tired and ready for bed, but definitely not ready to get up at 5 AM and go to work tomorrow. To stay motivated I'm keeping the fact that in 2 weeks I have the whole week of Thanksgiving off in the front of my mind. Time for bed and some surely insane dreams.

Unrequited Friendship

Hubby is at a business networking dinner thing that I'm not allowed to accompany him to. I can't wait until he gets home. He bought a new suit for the occasion and he looks amazing. I got home and just wanted to rip it off of him.

He and I had a really good, open and honest talk last night. I think we're continuing to take steps in the right direction. I talked a lot to my friend Penny from work (who is going through a divorce) about things. It's interesting to get a perspective from someone who's marriage has failed. She and I are getting closer, as Sunny and I seem to be drifting apart.

Sunny's got a new friend in her town who is pregnant, who I imagine is more fun and interesting to her since Hubby and I are enjoying living a frivolous child-free life, and Sunny and her husband are trying to have a baby. I imagine once she gets pregnant and has the baby we will continue to drift further. There are people who can maintain adult relationships and be parents, and there are those who can't. I get the feeling she will be one of those who can't. I may be wrong, but I'm just not sure how to read her anymore.

I don't know how I do it, but somehow I end up making friends with people who only want to be my friend for a little while, which blows considering my husband and my friends are all I have left now with my family no longer living here. If you don't want to hear my bitching, close the window now. I think maybe I'm too good of a friend. I am available and there for my friends when they need me. When they call at midnight, I answer the phone to listen to them cry to me, but never seem to get the same treatment from others. Maybe I'm just a rare and dying breed, maybe people today just don't understand that friendship has to be a 2 way road. Either way, maybe someday I'll meet a friend who will happily be there for me as much as I am for them.

Alone

I'm having a lonesome day. I'm just really down, which may have something to do with the fact that I haven't taken my medication in a week (I keep forgetting to have it refilled). I texted Sunny to see what she was doing today, and she's out shopping with her mom and grandma, which made me want to cry. I'm lonely and need a friend to be around and my one really close friend here is out with her mother. Must be nice. It made me really miss my mom. So I called her to talk and take some of the ache away and she's not home. She's been gone for a month. It sucks. She was always the friend that I could count on when no one else was around. She was always up for lunch or a quick trip out anywhere. I'm down, and its not fun. I just want to smile & laugh.

Reaching Out

I have a co-worker with whom I have cultivated a budding friendship. She is fun and open-minded, and we make each other laugh about the stressful things that come with being a teacher. Right now she's going through a very rough patch in her life. She is in the process of a divorce, and a new relationship she had started has ended. She called me in tears last night, and I listened because I knew there was nothing else I could do for her. She's hit the bottom; she doesn't care what happens to her. This is hard because I know exactly where she is. We may have gone through different situations, but I know the feeling she has right now and I know there is nothing anyone could say or do.

She is taking positive steps towards recovery. She has made an appointment to see a counselor today. She needed to do this not only for herself, but for her two beautiful daughters. I remember my childhood, and the times when mommy was locked in her room crying for hours and my sister and I were left wondering what was wrong with her. Her daughters don't have to go through that, and I'm glad. I just wish there was more that I could do for her. I think she is reluctant to lean on me for support because we are such new friends. In fact, she said pretty much those exact words last night. I reminded her that although we are new friends, I am not new to being a friend.

It's so hard to listen and watch as she goes through this. I just want to make it all better. She's a wonderful person, and she deserves happiness. I know she'll find it, it just may take some time. I hope she allows me to help her in her journey, and I just wish there was more that I could do for her right now.

Trying not to be lazy

I've been extremely productive lately. I guess I finally got tired of being a lazy procrastinator (either that or the guilt finally got to me), either way, I've gotten a lot done the last few days. Yesterday I did an ass-load of laundry, went grocery shopping, did the dishes, cleaned out the fridge, plus graded at ton of vocabulary quizzes and journals. This morning I got to work very early and got my materials ready for the day, taught 140 teenagers, and graded a bunch of papers in my planning and down time. After work I did more grading, cashed my check, relaxed, and graded more papers. If you haven't noticed a theme yet, I've been doing a lot of grading. It's close to report card time, and sadly I'm one of those teachers who keeps a giant stack of work to be graded and then does it all last minute. Yes, that means I will spend a good half-day just passing out papers. Show me a teacher who doesn't do this, and I'll show you someone with no social life whatsoever.

I'm proud of the fact that although I'm a first year teacher, I've managed to maintain a healthy and sane life outside of my job. My dear friend Sunny is not having such an easy time. I keep inviting her out for a drink and some dinner to relax but she's always too busy (and she's only a part time teacher)! I am swearing to the powers that be that I will get Sunny out of the classroom and into the bar THIS WEEK!

In other news, I spent some time playing around with my dad's camera since he hasn't come to get it yet. I was messing around with the zoom lens and concentrating on interesting textures.

The framing of a mirror in my living room.

More fun with the swirly frame

Aaaaaahhhh!

It's 2 AM, I was awake at 1AM. The hives are back in full force. They itch like something unholy (whatever something unholy itching would feel like). I want to crawl into a hole and die. No steriod or anti-histamine, cold-compress or topical salve can make them go away or feel better. What did I do that was so karmicly wrong to deserve this? Whatever it was, it must have been a doosey!

I'm so trendy!

It's been a while since I wrote anything here. Work has had me running around like a wild woman. I guess my body decided that I needed to slow down, so now I'm sporting this fall's hottest fashion trend: red itchy hives all over my body! I've had them since Saturday and the most powerful steriods and antihistamines delivered in shot form don't phase these fuckers! These things are tough and maniacal. So here I sit home from work for the second Monday in a row. I'm freaking out about missing so much work, and what I'm going to do to get myself caught up. I have a really wonderful co-worker who I called today and got some re-assurances from. She said she'd make sure my kids got their test tomorrow, and all of those wonderful things. I don't know what I'd do without her, she's a saint.

I remembered, while I was sitting bored at home, that I borrowed my dad's kick ass Nikon this weekend, so Iplayed with it. I'm not very good at the whole focusing using natural light and no flash thing yet, but this is my first time, so cut me some slack.

Here's a picture of my lovely child

Breathe Gently

As the geese flew
south, a feather
became loose and began
to fall.

The wind cradled
and rocked it, and laid
it down gently
on the lake's surface.

Painfully aware
that if the tension gave way,
the water would swallow
it whole.

I always have to dig up the skeletons.

Last night Hubby and I had a great dinner over at his parents' house. I guess I better get used to that since it looks like my folks are moving to New Mexico in the next few months. I will officially have no family where I live (unless you include my seriously fucked up and crazy aunt, uncle, and cousin) I hope they move back home though. I get the feeling they just might once my folks go. Ahhh tangents... The dinner was great, I brought a chocolate pie and home-made whipped cream and they both went over well. My nephew was so adorable! He scarfed down one piece and came in and asked so sweetly for another, I couldn't turn him down.

After dinner Hubby was looking for some weights in a closet of his old room and he came across a lot of other fun stuff from his youth. Of course, bad things are always lurking in closets (like skeletons), and last night was no difference. He ended up bringing home a huge box full of notes from high school. It made me feel a little weird that he didn't just throw them away. As I said, "I know there have got to be plenty of pictures and notes from old girlfriends, and they're in the past. I'm the only person who matters now so why don't you just throw them away?" He replied that he thought these would be funny to look at and then he would throw them away.

I went to bed at 1, he was still up. I woke up at 5 and he was still up in the office reading all of the notes. I didn't like it, I felt odd, I was angry and I considered locking our bedroom door. He finally came to bed at 6. I still don't quite know how to feel about it. I just felt like he was reminiscing about all of these past girls, instead of sleeping next to his wife. A long time ago I had letters and notes from past boyfriends, but I got rid of them because they didn't mean anything to me. I know when I got rid of them, I just threw them out, didn't even look at them, because they didn't mean anything to me. I wish Hubby could have done the same. All night I felt like all of his past lovers were haunting my house.

I did the bad thing and opened the trash bags full of letters and took a look. In 8th and 9th grade he dated a girl for a year and once apparently she got pregnant (8th) but I guess she lost it or something, I'm not sure. In 9th, they thought they were having a baby again, had names picked out and everything, but she ended up not pregnant. I know it's his past, but it's odd. He's never said anything to me about it. I guess what makes it even wierder is that we ran into her on our very first date. She ran up to him and gave him a huge hug, but I didn't think much of it. He told me that she was just some girl that he dated for a short time a long time ago, but apparently that wasn't exactly the case. To this day he maintains that story, and it just seems weird to me. I also think it's a bit odd that he saved all of those letters from that relationship, but he has none from the really big one he was in for the last 2 years of high school, and one after. It almost makes me think that he never quite got over the one where he got the girl pregnant. It just for some reason taints something a little for me.

I wish that I hadn't looked in the bags, but I did, and I can't undo it now.

Let the Sun Shine!

I'm working, and it's good! I'm working my ass off; going in way too early and staying too late, spending my weekends and evenings planning, and grading, and researching. I'm young, optimistic, idealistic, and full of energy, so it works for me right now. I can't tell you how I'll feel about working so hard come October, but right now I'm feeling good knowing that all of the work I'm doing is to give these kids an awesome education.

Today was a trying day. It seemed that in one way or another each of my classes managed to disappoint me. I ended up having to send a couple of my 7th period kids to the assistant principal, but they've got to learn that while I have a sense of humor and we can have fun in class, they also need to give me their attention and respect when I ask for it. The good sign though, is that even after a very trying day I still left with a smile on my face and hope in my heart. I have a ton of journals to grade this weekend, and I know it's going to be a huge chore, but so be it.

Other than the trying day, life is amazingly going so smoothly. The new medication seems to be working wonders for me. I didn't have a single anxiety attack leading up to my first day of work, and I haven't had one yet. This is probably the longest stretch of my life that I've gone without one, and it really is amazing to feel so good all the time. It makes me a little sad though to think that this is what I was missing out on for 23 years. I also haven't had a crying spell since I began taking this medicine. Things with Hubby and I are great too! I finally stopped snooping into his things and I make the daily decision to trust him. Some days are harder than others, but everyday I somehow find the strength to make that decision, and everyday I feel so proud. I make sure to to a moment each day to reflect on how truly lucky I am.

I've never really been a religious person, but as my life gets better, I find myself feeling more and more spiritual (I'll never be religious). When I think about it, I guess this is the right way to go about that if I'm going to. It doesn't feel false in any way, or like I'm using it as a crutch. I am not in a horrible place in my life where I need something positive to latch onto. I am in a great place in my life, and I'm feeling grateful, and feeling so much strong positive energy, I just feel like I should be thanking some beautiful cosmic source, and so I shall.

I really AM a teacher!

This is it! Tomorrw the kids come back to school. I can't believe I'm really doing this! I'm so scared, but exctied at the same time. Luky me, classes are only 38 minutes long tomorrow. It will be a nice way to ease into things. Really, I'm going to be a teacher from now until I'm 48, wow!

My Demons

I dreamt about ghosts again last night. This time, I was in a movie theater and the seat next to me was being saved for a woman's ghost by the man in the seat next to the saved one. There was an index card on the seat with writing on it, and when I went to read it the guy went ballistic and told me that it was a note for the ghost of his wife. I stood up and somehow blocked the light from the projector, and a red outline of a woman appeared on the screen. The man told me that, that was the ghost of his wife and he wanted me to go around the theater blocking the light so he could see the ghost. The whole crowd got into it, and they were in awe. I started feeling weird and sick, and I started screaming that something wasn't right. I became possessed by the ghost. That is when in the dream I left my body, I'm not 100% sure what happened, but I hurt a lot of people. The next thing I knew I was laying on the floor of this really old-timey lobby, and the employees were waking me up.

This is again, one of those "bigger than me" dreams. It seems odd to me that I've dreamt of ghosts twice in one week. What am I trying to tell myself?

The journey is about to begin

It is the supreme art of the teacher to awaken joy in creative expression and knowledge. - Albert Einstein

I only pray that I can master that supreme art.

The Weight of Death

Some people say that dreams are just random synapses firing while you sleep. Other people say that dreams are just the events of the day replaying in your mind. Still others believe that dreams are some sort of magic. I believe something in between all of that. I've always had very vivid, and often disturbing dreams. Sometimes I have really great dreams, but few dreams really make me feel like something bigger than myself is involved. I had one of those "bigger than me" dreams the other night.

In the dream I was dead, but I didn't know it, and was trying to keep living. I was invisible to everyone but my mother, and I couldn't understand why no one was talking to me when we went out places. My mother explained to me that I was dead, and a ghost, and no one but she could see me. I couldn't believe her, I kept saying she was lying to me. It finally hit home that I must really be dead, when she took me to see Hubby and he couldn't see me. At one point in the dream a man saw me and ran after me shouting some other woman's name. My mother explained to me that sometimes when someone is grieving intensely they'll see a ghost, and imagine it is their lost loved in, even if it really isn't. This dream made me feel heavy, and some kind of spiritual after I woke up. It made me wonder about its meaning, which doesn't usually happen. I still feel a heavy weight on my heart whenever I think about it...

Big Day!

The sun is rising, and I can't sleep. I've been up since 4. I think I'm just too excited to sleep. Tonight Hubby and I are going out to celebrate our one year anniversary. I got a new dress, and shoes, and earrings, and I think I'm going to stop him dead in his tracks. I can't wait to get all dressed up and have a night on the town with the guy I love. We haven't done this in a long time, but I didn't think I'd get so excited about it that I couldn't sleep. I guess that's just part of my personality; I get real worked up about things (in a good way).

Hubby gave me my gifts yesterday. He surprised me with 12 white roses and 12 white calla lillies. I honestly never expected him to be so sentimental and thoughtful, but he explained to me that he picked the callas because that's what he gave me the day he proposed, and he picked white roses because those were the flowers at our wedding, and he wanted to remind me of our wedding day. It just blew me away! I also got an adorable card and some twizzlers (which are my fave!) I got so excited that I just had to give him his gift. He got a 2GB iPod Nano, which I pre-loaded with all of his workout music, and a armband so he can listen to music as he lifts weights. I had it engraved with a line from our song and the date of our anniversary. He really seemed to like it, which makes me so happy!

I guess I should try to head to bed now. I only have 2 hours until I have to be up to get the dog to the groomer's, and various other errands. Weee! I can't wait for tonight!!

Stir Crazy!!!

I've been sick since Saturday, and I've been locked in the house all week. My fever keeps coming and going, but mostly coming. I just want to feel better already! I'm feeling pretty good today, but I'm going out of my mind! I can't stand being stuck in the house totally incapacitated, lying on the couch with only crappy daytime TV to keep me company. I do have an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed this evening, and I think I'm going to keep it because I seem to be staving off the fever for most of the day. I just want to get better by tomorrow so I can enjoy my wonderful night of anniversary celebrating that Hubby has planned for Saturday night. I can't believe on Sunday it will be a year since we got married. It's going to be so wonderful, as long as I can get better to enjoy it.

The Return of Jane

I'm back from California, and have just a minute of free time to say something. It was a great trip. I actually felt like I was a 23 year old for once. It was great, I partied with a bunch of girls, had some drinks, shopped, and giggled a lot with girlfriends. For a whole week and a half I felt like I had no responsibilities, except to execute a perfect beach wedding on my last day there. The wedding was beautiful, the bride was gorgeous, the groom was so handsome, and they were legally bound in a beautiful ceremony nearly identical to the one Hubby and I took part in almost a year ago. That last part, of course, made me miss Hubby terribly so it was a good thing I went home the next day.

Big things are happening. Big, scary things that make me a real adult. Things like getting a job. I have a career now; I'll be teaching 9th grade English beginning in August. I'm really happy and so excited, but also scared shitless. It's one thing to student teach, but it's something very different to be in charge, without having anyone else you can call and say, "Hey! I'm not sure what I'm doing right now, can you step in for me?" Luckily, it's at the school where I student taught so I have my mentor there, and I already know all of the other teachers in the department. I'm just scared. I hope it doesn't show on the first day of school.

I have so much more to say, I've discovered new things, but that will have to be left for another time.

AAAhhh!

For the past few weekends I've been working on a stained glass panel for my best friend. It's a panel with her and her fiance's new monogram and I'm planning to give it to them as a wedding gift next week. This thing has taken me forever to make. It's been the hardest piece I've done. Finally after a lot of mishaps I was soldering on the loops to hang it by andone of the pieces broke. I want to cry. Apparently the heat of the soldering iron cracked the glass and it busted when I picked it up. I'm sooo pissed. I held it up to the light and saw a couple more cracks, but I don't think they'll break. So now I have to spend another night cutting, grinding, and soldering on a replacement piece. Sometimes I hate making art.

I Like Busy

I'm working my full time summer job now, and really enjoying it. I've figured out one thing about myself lately; I like busy. I prefer to be busy and slightly frazzled and dizzy. To me, for some reason it's enjoyable. I like to feel important and like I have lots of things to do which contribute to something somehow. My job is fairly tedious, and it's what some might term "busy work" but I love it. I have a million things to do between tomorrow and Friday morning when I leave, and I kind of relish in it. I thrive on pressure, it's what I do.

A Few Tips

Some tips for the men in the audience.

#1 Calling a girl sexy is nice…sometimes. If you want to compliment your woman, yes calling her sexy is nice, but not if it’s the only compliment you pay her. There are millions of “sexy” women out there. All a woman has to have to be considered sexy is a pretty hot body. There are a lot of women in the world with hot bodies, especially with the advent of fake tits, ass, and everything else. Chances are you’ve looked at a few women in the course of the day and thought they were sexy, maybe even told them so, so going home and telling your woman she’s sexy really doesn’t mean that much. Tell your woman she’s beautiful. There may be a lot of “sexy” or “cute” women in the world, but beauty is hard to come by. When a woman hears that you think she’s beautiful, it means something. Beauty is not only the outside, but the inside as well. Beauty is a presence, not just a nice ass. If you really want to give your woman a heartfelt compliment, let her know you think she’s beautiful.

#2 Don’t take your woman for granted.
A. As it is in most cases, you’ve probably hooked up with a woman you think you’re pretty lucky to be with, and maybe in the beginning you let her know, but as the relationship ages you’re probably slipping into the Comfort Zone. The Comfort Zone is a bad place to be. When you come in the door from work don’t walk past her and say, “hey, what’s for dinner?” Stop for a second, give her a hug and a kiss and say, “hey, honey!” It’s as easy as that. For extra measure if you want to, you can even ask how her day was. I’d bet $10 that when you don’t rush past her, she does that to you.

B. Women like to know that they are appreciated, and that the small things they do don’t go unnoticed. If she washes some of your clothes, does the dishes, cooks for you, etc. tell her thanks. It doesn’t matter if it is an everyday thing that needed to be done, letting someone know you noticed and appreciate what they have done is just common courtesy, and common courtesy can go a long way. Chances are your woman thanks you for the small things like cooking dinner, mowing the lawn, helping clean the house, etc. Do the same for her.

#3 Small romantic gestures are never bad. Another pitfall of the Comfort Zone is that you stop doing the small things you used to do in the beginning. Just because you’ve got her now doesn’t mean you have to stop being sweet to her. These small gestures are just that, small. You don’t have to buy her new diamond earrings, or set up a romantic dinner. Next time you’re grocery shopping and you pass by the flower section; stop and pick up a bouquet of $10 carnations, or hell, maybe just grab her favorite candy bar. You don’t even have to spend money; leave her a sticky note on the mirror that says you love her or wishes her a great day. If you want to keep you woman happy remember to show her in small ways that you love her.

Manic/Depressive

It's so odd that I can seem to have days where nothing can go wrong and then the next day my world seems to be falling apart. I believe I'll stay in bed under the covers all weekend. I'm so over this right now.

Today Was a Good Day

I may complain and say some crazy things sometimes, but today is not one of those days. Today will be a good day. Today is my spa day. As a graduation gift, Hubby is paying for an entire day at the spa. My limo should be here in about an hour. I'm going to be whisked off to downtown to receive: a facial, aromatherapy body wrap, 1 hour hot stone massage, lunch, manicure and pedicure. After that the limo will take me back home where I'll melt into a puddle on the couch and not move. I am so excited! I may have some complaints about Hubby sometimes, but really he's a great guy, and I know he loves me so much.

In other news, I got a summer job. My supervisor from the job I had last year called me up and said they have a special project that they need a temp. to work on. She asked me if I was up for it, and I'm just hanging out, so I said yes. I start tomorrow, and I'm pretty excited. It'll be great to feel like I'm being productive, and I won't complain about having some extra cash. I'm not sure how long it will last, but it is full time hours. The people there are awesome though, I really like everyone I'll be working with, and they're allowing me all the time I need off for doctor's appointments and my trip to Best Friend's wedding.

So that's life for me recently. Things are a little hectic, but good. I'm off to jump in the shower so I can enjoy a day at the spa!!!!

Trying

I'm making surface progress. I'm feeling better about the way I look, but it's just superficial. I'm still insecure, and the things I'm doing to feel better about myself are motivated by my need to be just a good looking as other women. I'm still jealous and I'm still having trouble trusting Hubby. I'm trying, but its hard. I get so frustrated, because I just want to be better already. I get worried that these issues will never go away. I just want to feel the way I used to. I'm working on it.

The Libido-less Wonder

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a confession to make: I am a 23 year old woman with a practically absent libido. I don't know how it happened. I used to be very excited about sex, especially after I met Hubby (the first man to make me orgasm during sex). Now, it takes a whole hell of a lot to get me in the mood. If I believe what the woman around me say, most women my age are still raring to go round after round in the sack, but not me.

I'm trying to change that though. I read somewhere that the more you have sex, the more you crave it; some kind of chemical thing. I know it sounds odd, but I've been making myself have sex with Hubby. It seems to be going pretty well. We were cooking dinner Sunday night, and I kissed him, and suddenly remembered what a knock-out kisser he is. When we went to bed we made love and I remembered what a knock-out lover he can be. It was great, we're talking mind-blowing. I actually tired him out, which doesn't happen very often. So, last night it happened; I craved making love to him, so we did! Once again it was amazing. If things are going to keep up this way our sex life may end up back on track.

I going to commit myself to trying at least every other day. I'm just hoping I don't have to initiate it every time because that can get tiring. I'm hoping that all this hot sex will help me feel sexier and more attractive as well. So that is my confession and my plan to fix it.

Insomnia

I wish this stupid medicine would decide what it wants to do to me. When I was on 10 mg it made me hyper. When I switched to 5 mg it made me sleepy, but suddenly last night I couldn't sleep again. I woke up at 5 this morning and haven't been able to go back to sleep. I went to bed at 11. This is not normal. I want to be nuggled in my bed damnit! I think as soon as Hubby gets up I'll try to sleep again. I don't want to wake him with my tossing and turning.

Yeah, I'm a "Hater." So What?

I need to rant about something petty that I can't stand. I despise all the stupid women on myspace who feel the need to post 5o bazillion pictures of themselves in skimpy outfits partying. We get it, you like to get dressed up and get drunk. These are the same ladies who have 200 friends on their list, somehow I'm doubting even 100 of those people really give a shit about them and vice versa. The worst is when these girls are cute or mediocre but insist on claiming every few pictures that they are sexy, beautiful, hot, smokin, a party girl, wild, etc., etc. Really, there's nothing uglier than a cute girl who knows it and has to scream it to the world. Most of these young ladies also have children, and I often wonder when they have time to parent their kids when they spend what looks like every single night out drinking and acting an ass. Honestly, there's a time in life for all that, but you're 28, grow the fuck up.

To top it off, one of these bitches happens to be someone who once warned me to keep an eye on my husband because she was planning to take him. I just want to fuck her world up. Lucky for me, Hubby is the one who first said the whole "there's nothing uglier than a cute girl who knows it and has to scream it to the world" comment.

I know it's petty and silly and I really shouldn't judge others, but it's just so damned annoying. It makes me wonder if their lives are really hollow, and this is how they fill the void. Maybe I'm a little jealous, my life could use a little more fun sometimes. I definitely know I'm being bitchy, but you know what? I'm entitled to be a bitch and rant about stupid petty things if I want. Okay, rant over.

Are We Really All OK?

I sometimes wonder if everyone's life is more glamorous and happy than mine, but then I remember that I only see their lives from the outside, and maybe they're thinking the same thing about mine. That's highly doubtful, but you never know. Maybe I should just learn to be OK with my life. I guess that's what I'm in therapy to do, to learn to accept and maybe someday love myself.

In other thoughts, have you ever had a feeling about someone when you first met them and then they really turn out to be just like you expected them to? I hate how right I am sometimes.

My Life So Far

So I did it; I graduated college, and it feels pretty good. Now the job search is on, which I'm kind of procrastinating on and that's a bad thing. I'm just kind of tired and want to relax for a bit. Since last Wednesday I've been running here and there, going to one doctor appointment or another, having lunch with this person or that. Today is my first day where I have to leave the house only if I want to. I'm going to have a pretty hectic schedule starting up again on Saturday.

The busyness has been a pretty good thing though. I got a good deal of money as graduation presents. I spent some of it wisely on clothes for the summer that I feel comfortable in, yet don't make me look 30. I got 4 pairs of jeans and 5 shirts. I think I'm pretty well stocked up now. I thought about spending it on work clothes, and even felt a little guilty, but then I realized that I have had enough work clothes to wear every day for the last 4 months. I can wear those next year until I get my first paycheck. I don't have a whole lot of nice "play" clothes. I deserve this damnit!

Also in my recent escapades have been trips to doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists to be exact. I've been put on an antidepressant and I'm going to both doctors once a week for now. Just saying that makes me feel a little crazy, but I know it's a good thing. I'm trying to regain control of my life and my self-esteem. I want to like me, and I don't want to be sad anymore. So I warn you, this blog may turn into a therapy journal, which might bore you to tears.

And a little message to a dear friend who I know reads this periodically: Hopefully I'll be back to a better version of the me you knew when you lived here, not the weirdly quiet girl who came to visit you in March.

So that's my life recently. I'm busy, but I guess it's good, and maybe tomorrow I'll do some job stuff.

Graduation Day!!!!

It's 4 AM and I can't sleep. I'm too excited to sleep. Tomorrow is graduation day, which to me, is a lot like Christmas morning for a 6 year old. Instead of waiting a whole year for it to come though, I've been waiting for 4 1/2. I'm nervous too; worried that we'll get there late, worried that there won't be any parking, worried that we'll get home too late to let the caterers in. My cousin in CA shipped me an Orchid lei from Hawaii. It's a tradition back home to wear those on graduation day. I'm not sure if people wear them here, and I'm worried they won't let me wear mine. I have a professor who just moved here from HI though, so I bet she'd take my side.

Eeek! In 4 1/2 hours I'll be getting my hair done, in 3 I'm supposed to be waking up. I still have to get maragrita mix and a camera battery tomorrow morning. I feel like I'm going to be rushed. I need to stop worrying and just enjoy the day. I wasn't even this stressed on my wedding day, but I had nothing to be worried about that day anyway. Today is a really big day. I'm going to try to relax.

This is the End...

I'M GRADUATING SATURDAY!!!

It's really and finally over. I went to campus for the last time to do anything academic related. I turned in all of my assignments and had my exit interviews. I am officially finished with my Bachelor's Degree. It feels insanely surreal. I spent 4 1/2 years of my life working until my brain was mush. I spent all of my summers in a classroom for this. It doesn't seem like it should be over, but it is.

I know people say that pride is a sin, well poo on that because I'm not a Christian anyway. I'm really proud of myself. I worked hard for this, really hard. I didn't have to get a 3.72 GPA, I could have just done enough to pass, but I wanted to prove to myself that I could achieve something great. I could have had an even better GPA if I had been more serious in the beginning, but 3.72 isn't bad. When I think about it, I'm proud of the grades I earned, but I'm even more proud of the fact that those grades really reflect how much I learned. I crammed so much information into my head because I knew I would be responsible for teaching it to others. If you think about it, that's a pretty awesome responsibility. I can't wait to be a teacher, and I feel prepared because of all of my hard work.

I'm really proud of everyone who helped me get here too. I'm so thankful for my husband, my parents, my sister, and my friends who never stopped encouraging me to do my best. I know I could have done this alone, but it feels awesome to know you have a whole group of people behind you pushing you on to success.

It's Over!

I just finished up the last assignment I'll ever have to do for my Bachelor's degree. I can't believe it's really here. My exit interviews are tomorrow afternoon and then I'm finished with college. I'm in awe and really excited!

I'm a Teacher!

Friday was my last day at my student teaching site. I can't believe it's really over. It was a very bittersweet day. I've grown to really love the kids I teach. Thing haven't always gone great, but they're all amazing in their own way. My 5th period kids threw me a surprise party, and I cried. There was food and music and balloons, and a cake. They all signed a card for me, which was so sweet. One student gave me a little stuffed frog, another wrote me an amazing letter saying how much I touched her life. My clinical instructor gave me a really sweet card and a gift certificate to WalMart. Another teacher at the school gave me a gift basket full of teaching supplies.

I felt like the most special person that day. Even one of the kids that I had a lot of trouble with and had to kick out of class asked for a hug and told me in earnest that he was going to miss me. It's a really amazing thing to find out that you've really impacted the lives of 80 or so people in the course of 4 months. This is exactly why I wanted to be a teacher. I can't wait to have my own classroom in a few months.

Yikes!

Wow! I love my best friend, but wow! She recently got engaged and told me the wedding would be in April of 2007. I'm super happy and excited for her. I agreed to be a bridesmaid and was looking forward to being in her spring wedding next year. Well, she called me today to tell me they're getting married next month, the date isn't set in stone, but it's towards the end. She still wants me to be a bridesmaid. Holy crap! I've got to somehow buy plane tickets to L.A., a rental car, in the next few days, and a dress and a wedding gift in the next few weeks. I love her, and I'll be there, but yikes! They couldn't make it July just to give people a little bit of time? Now Hubby can't go with me because there's no way he can try to get time off with zero notice. I'm hoping my sister will be in town that week so at least I won't have to pay for a hotel too.

I know it's her wedding and I should just be happy for her, but seriously, 1 month notice is a bit short, especially when you live across the country.

Good Things

Since I seem to be posting a lot of bad things on here lately I thought I'd even it out. I found out this morning that my sister is coming in for my graduation next Wednesday. I am so super stoked. Sissy is my best friend and I adore her. I think I'm going to see if she'll go shopping for a new pair of glasses with me. I've had these same frames since 9th grade, it's time for a change.

I'm so happy that she's coming to visit though, I just wish I had more time to clean up the house in preparation. I guess if I spent more time working on homework, and less time goofing off when I come home from work I could spend this weekend getting ready. But really, who wants to work all day then come home and work some more, then go to bed. I need some time to hang out with Hubby. Wow! I just realized that I'm typing this whole thing without looking at the keyboard. That my friends, is really awesome! (Not to mention very random.)

I am...

I am American suburbia.

Catharsis

Ugly Places

There are ugly places inside of me.
Places where I keep all of my darkness.
Places where I go and torture myself
as I relive the pain
that I can’t let go of.

It is 20 years old, but it stays there
the hurt from the times
you called me stupid over, and over.
The times you wouldn’t let me
play with you.
The times you excluded me.
The times you made me cry alone.

It is 16 years old, but it stays there,
the sadness from when you,
my grade school crush, betrayed me.
When you promised not to tell
but you did,
and everyone knew I cheated.
The time you locked me in the trashcan
on “student of the week” pizza party day
after pretending you were my friend.

It is 13 years old, but it stays there
The anger over the time I
wrote you a note
that said I thought you were cute
and you laughed, and showed it to your friends.
Then you all took it to the bathroom,
you dropped it in the toilet,
you pissed on it, then ran to the playground
to tell everyone all about it.

It is 12 years old, but it stays there
the feeling of worthlessness when you,
my best friend, told me not to be so weird.
When you told me to stop being me.
When you told me I talked too much.
When you told me no one really liked me,
they only tolerated me since I was your friend.

It is 10 years old, but it stays there
the embarrassment from the time you,
my friends, teased me about the hair on my legs,
and the fact that I was the only girl in 7th grade
without her period or breasts.
When I hid beneath my desk in science class
and cried while you all laughed.

It is 7 years old, but it stays there
the feeling of betrayal when you,
my father admitted
that I “wasn’t exactly the belle of the ball”
when I was younger.
I thought daddies were always
supposed to think they’re little girls
are beautiful.

It is only 5 years old, and it stays there
the feelings of self-doubt
that stem from my need to be hospitalized
the time I went crazy, and broke down

It is so fresh, the pain, the guilt,
the horrible insecurity
I felt as I slept with every boy who wanted me
just to try to make it go away;
all the other pain that has stayed with me.

It is still there;
The hurt, the sadness, the anger,
the worthlessness, the embarrassment,
the betrayal, the self-doubt, the pain,
the guilt, and the horrible insecurity.

I visit it sometimes,
and it makes me want to scream.
I can’t let it go,
I can’t get rid of it,
it seeps into my life,
and makes me cry.

I’m letting it ruin my life.

Am I Perfect Yet?

I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that I am a complete and total perfectionist. It seems that if I do anything (except housework) I have to do it to 100%+ of my ability. I know this isn't a bad thing, but the fact that I'm a procrastinating perfectionist makes for some very interesting situations. Take my big graduation project for example. I have to turn in a big questionnaire/essay about how I think I've grown professionally over the last semester, and explain how all of the work I've done this semester makes me a great teacher. There is a template for this project and I just have to fill in the blanks with about a paragraph or two of writing. These are the facts:

• I recently found out that my professor will thumb through it just to see if I did it and give me an A.
• My good friend did hers in a day and it is 5 pages long.
• I still cannot, for the life of me, do this half-assed.
• I know mine will be close to the 20 page maximum.
• I know it will take me at least a weekend, but I just can't make myself do it now.

Why can't I just be a normal college student???? Why can't I ever do anything half-assed???? Why can't I just sit down in the next few hours and do it???? I guess because I have standards (very high ones) that just won't let me. If I've made it this far doing things just how they should be, there's no reason to slack off now. It'll be over in 2 weeks and then I won't have to worry about being perfect for another 2 months.

....Except for all those self-improvement plans I have for the summer....

You know you're life's busy when...

you have to take a nap after work so that you can have sex before you fall asleep at 9:30. Yeah, I guess it's nap time.

Why don't I feel beautiful??

Why can't I be cuter, and sexier, and more fun? That's all I want. Sometimes I look at all these cute, faux tanned, makeup wearing, long hair wearing girls and I just want to be one of them. They're so confident, and so cute, and they wear these adorable, stylish clothes that don't make them look 30. I want to be that. Ugh!!! When we went shopping the other day my mom, yeah that's right folks, my mom!!! told me I dress too old for my age. She said she'd love to see me dress cuter and show off my body since eventually I'll get older and won't have it anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. My therapist was no help. Maybe I need to start reading my Sark books again, I remember them helping me about 5 years ago. I just miss feeling good about myself and having confidence. I know one thing is for sure, I'm going to let my hair grow back out. It is such a pain in the ass to not be able to just get up and go. I have to wash and do my hair before I leave the house, because if I don't I have a greasy mohawk. I just want to feel happy and good, is that so much to ask??

It's kind of insane when I think about it how I really shouldn't be unhappy with myself. Where did I learn to hate my looks and think I'm not good enough? I'm 23 years old and I think like this. Imagine what millions of teenage girls are feeling. I'm sick of it and I wish there was a way to make it go away for everyone! I guess this is a start

*Remember rant about hypocritical friend (criminals)

Well Taken Care Of

I had a very frustrating day at work today, which was a bummer to say the least. There came a point in the day where I had to fight with every fiber in my body not to scream at a bunch of people to shut the hell up. I've spent every weekday for the past few months with my clinical instructor and she's about to get on my last damn nerve.

I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, and that doesn't really fly with me. The woman has the balls to complain to me about how exhausted she is after I've taught her classes for her for the past 2 months. I have 4 major projects due in the next 3 weeks, plus 200 student papers to read and grade. When I asked if she might help me grade, she acted like I was asking her to lick a trash can. She had the audacity to tell me, "this is what it will be like when you start teaching, get used to it." I kindly reminded her that when I'm teaching I won't have 4 big projects that are the culmination of my college career due when I'm teaching. To that she replied, "Well, I might be able to grade one class." I wanted to bitch slap her. I really am almost to the end of my rope. I decided I'll try my best to get it all done, but whatever is left at the end of the semester is her problem. I love the kids but at this point graduating is more important to me than grading their papers. Ugh! I just had to let that out.

There is good news, however; I won't be going back tomorrow. I'm driving Hubby to a doctor an hour and a half away. My mamacita let me borrow her laptop so I'll be working on my project that is due Thursday and grading papers in the waiting room. I also found out some really great things from my parents today.

Now, I try not to be materialistic, but sometimes I just can't help myself. I like nice things, and I like having money. My dad told me today that he and my mom are planning on giving me a sizeable monetary graduation gift, he told me to think in the thousands and to stop worrying about having plenty of money to put down on a car. I am so stoked! They also told me that they'd pay for the catering for my graduation shindig. I decided I wanted Moe's at the party and was planning to pay for it myself. When I told them that they didn't need to buy B-B-Q stuff they then insisted on paying for the catering, since they had planned on paying if we went out to dinner or did the B-B-Q thing. I think I may take a small chunk of my gift and buy myself a super luxurious day at the spa, or a nice new outfit where I don't have to look at price tags. I know it might seem silly to some, but to feel totally spoiled for a day can be nice every once in a while.

I'm so Proud

Last night was the prom, and it was great! My clinical instructor and I were the people in charge, and it was a very long day. We were at the hotel with the prom committee at 8 AM, we decorated and it turned out just gorgeous! I got home at 1:30 and started reading some poetry so that I could write my 3 pages paper. I wrote the paper, then got in the shower, got ready and headed back up to the hotel. I didn't get home until Midnight. I was so exhausted, but I feel great this morning because I slept in until 10.

I realized something last night though that was so great; even though sometimes the kids irritate the hell out of me, I just adore them! I felt this huge almost maternal pride when they came to the door to check in. They all looked so great, and every time I saw one of my students my heart would just swell with pride. I have 3 weeks left of working with these kids and I know I'm going to miss each and every one of them when I leave, even my troublemakers. After being with them for four months as a student teacher I've realized that I really am their teacher, and they really are my kids. It's amazing how attached you get.

Selfish Reasons

why I'm really ready for Hubby to get better. I'm not allowed to be mad at him or confront him about anything while he's feeling bad, or I'll make him sick. He's apparently well enough though to go on myspace, find old female friends and tell them that they're hotties and knock-outs. Of course he'd never dream of adding his wife as his friend though. Total Bullshit!

Update

There is good news: Hubby wasn't admitted to the hospital today. They still don't know what exactly is wrong with him. Tomorrow he has to go get tested to make sure he didn't have any retinal damage. He should get the results of his blood work tomorrow too. There's not much they can do until his blood pressure evens out, right now it's still really high. He also had some preliminary tests run for Long QT Syndrome, which runs in his family. The preliminary tests indicate that he probably has it. He'll go to an Electrophysiologist later to check it out once his BP is steady. So Hubby has to take the week off of work, relax, and alter his diet. The laundry list of things his doctor told him: no smoking, no drinking, no red meat, and moderate exercise. We'll see how well that goes. He's been really irritable, which I think has to do with the no smoking part. The smoking however, surely has a lot to do with the high BP.

While I'm upset that this is happening, I'm a little glad too. He wasn't going to get checked for QT Syndrome, and the life expectancy for someone who has it and leaves it untreated is around 30 years. Even though this is scary and hard to deal with I'm so happy it is happening now, and giving him the chance to make healthy life choices so we can spend a long lifetime together. It's a lot to deal with, and I'm sure it's even harder for him, but I guess this is just one of the many things we'll go through in our marriage. I'm just so happy that he's here and hopefully going to get better.

Photo copyright 2005 J. Herndon Photography

Offset

So it seems that sometimes the good has to be offset with bad. That happened this weekend. Hubby had a stressful incident at work on Friday where he experienced symptoms that my dad (who works in the medical field *cardiology*) found odd. His head hurt and got hot in a certain spot, he got dizzy, his vision went blurry, and he became confused. All weekend his head has continued to hurt and his eyes are still kind of messed up. On top of all that his blood pressure has stayed pretty high all weekend, reaching a peak at 165/100. Not very good for a 27 year old. So, today he's going to the doctor who will more that likely send him to the hospital for some tests.

We've decided that I'll stay at work until 3 unless he calls and says he needs me because he can't drive home or they're admitting him, or he just really needs me there. This is kind of scary and something I hoped we wouldn't have to deal with until we were older. I really don't feel like going to work. I want to go be with my Hubby all day and make sure he's OK. But we're hoping that they'll just run some tests and put him on medicine and send him on his way. That's what we're hoping for, and I think that is what will happen more than likely. Send good vibes to us please.

When it rains...

it pours! Good news just keeps coming my way. Yesterday I calculated it all up and figured out that I will be graduating Cum Laude. Today I got a phone call to congratulate me on being named the most outstanding Secondary Education major at the satellite campus of my university. The faculty nominated me for it and I was chosen as the recipient. There's going to be a graduation celebration next week and they'll have a little ceremony where they present the award to me. I'm so excited and honored that they chose me! Hubby and my parents have made sure to get off work early that night so they can be there. Hooray!!! I feel really special right now.

Interesting Day

I am so bored! The kids got let out of school ealry today because of the threat of tornados so I got home around 1 PM. Now I'm just sitting here waiting, and watching the clock. It seems that when I want time to go by quickly it takes forever. I just want Hubby to come home so we can finally hnag out after a week apart. I think maybe I'll run out and buy myself a late lunch and get an oil change just to get out for a minute. Maybe I'll go buy the shutters I've been wanting to put on the front window. In fact, I think I'll definitely go get that oil change and look into the shutters, we'll see about the food since it's getting close to dinner time. I'm off!

Hooray!

Hubby comes home tonight at 11 PM. I swear time is moving super slow on purpose. Seriously, I never thought it was possible to miss someone so much. I really love this man.

1 Reason Why...

I end up irritated by the fact that I go to a university overrun by trust-fund babies: Some students don't take certain classes seriously.

I am taking an online poetry workshop this semester because I couldn't get to campus to take one. I've been wanting to take a workshop like this since I got to college, and now in the final semester of my senior year I'm finally here. But you know what I found instead of a bunch of poets wanting to share their work and hone their craft? I found a bunch of spoiled kids looking for an easy "A" and it pisses me off. These people have no balls. We're supposed to respond to each other's poem postings in a forum, but all I and everyone else ever gets is, "Ohhh this poem was really great! I liked it. Good job!" Every responder, every poem, same response, or at least a variation on that same response. What.The.Fuck?????? Is it that hard to really give a poem some thought? Is it that hard to pay the courtesy of actually giving constructive criticism? The only real feedback I ever get is from the professor. I'm glad for his help, but I'd love to have more than one opinion that I thought someone even put a little thought into.

I'd love to put an anonymous posting on the board telling all these kids who are just looking for that last elective to go screw themselves, or grow some cajones, or at least pay these people and the creative efforts they've put forth some respect. But then I have to think, if these people are responding so lackadaisical, how much effort are they really putting forth in their writing, and do they even care that I have a real opinion? They probably get pissed off every time they see that I have something of substance to say about their poetry instead of "Ohhh, that was good!" Ugh!!! I just get so frustrated. I want to write better poetry. I can't ever get something published if I can't make my work better.

OK, I just had to vent. Done!

Creativity

Ode to my Husband
Among other things, you are my
beautiful distraction.
When you’re away
I get so much done,
but I am lonely,
and bored.

You keep the pressures
of reality at bay.
You give me moments of laughter
instead of dirty laundry
and homework.

I’ve finally figured out why our house
is always a mess:
We’re having too much fun
together to worry about dishes
until there are no clean ones left.

Strange Days

I'm not sure what I can say here and what I can't, but I'll say that the past 4 days have been kind of intense. I was concerned about a student and brought it to the attention of a counselor. I was told by a few people that I was wrong and to watch out for the repercussions. Then came feelings of confusion and conflicted-ness (yeah, I know it's not a word) because I thought I was helping, but all I heard was that I did wrong. I couldn't tell if these people were just jaded, or if I really was foolish for trying to save the world, one fucked up kid at a time. I think in the end I was right. Somehow, I think I helped. My student doesn't hate me and there were no upset parents. But let me tell you, it was scary, it was upsetting, and very confusing. I'm still wondering a little bit if I really can save the world, or if I'm being foolish. I'm working on my feelings on that one, but I guess that's what this blog is all about.

Profound

The past few weeks have been an amazing exercise in figuring out that there is a whole lot more I need to learn about the word and how to live in it.

The observation went pretty well. I only have to get through next week's observation on Tuesday and I shold be good. After the week is over I get to gradually relenquish my teaching duties to my clinical instructor. I couldn't be happier. I'm way too stressed out, and had another one of those freak out dreams. I guess it's very satisfying to break things in dream land. Oh, by the way

Aaaaagggghhhhh!

My professor is coming to observe me tomorrow. I'm.not.ready.

Wow!

Yesterday was a good day. Hubby and I went and got our taxes done, we'll be receiving a nice amount of moolah back this year. We also found out that his terminal was awarded Terminal of the Year, which means he gets a check for $500, a nice dinner, and an extra vacation day. After getting our taxes done we went and ate a very yummy lunch together and then went to see "Date Movie." The movie was a fairly big disappointment. There were a few funny spots but for the most part it was very mediocre. To brighten things up after that we headed down to the Pontiac dealership to check out the G6 GT Sedan.

I really want a new car now, but I have to wait until I get a job. After driving the rented Mazda6 for half a week I'm finding it hard to deal with driving my crappy 2000 Hyundai Accent that has had the check engine light on for 2 years. (Yes, I've taken it to a mechanic twice and the light just keeps coming back). I calculated all the money from taxes, bonuses, savings accounts, and selling my car and I estimated that we could pay for a G6 with all that money until I got a job. Too bad I need to have a hefty down payment. Grrr!

During lunch Hubby and I got on the subject of my graduation, it's coming up in 8 weeks! It was so wonderful to hear him say how really proud of me he is. He told me that if he could afford it, he would buy me the most awesome graduation gift ever, but he can't. Apparently he has a plan to lobby my parents for something really amazing that he thinks I deserve. It was so sweet to watch him get all worked up over how insanely proud he is of me for how hard I've worked. It made me want to cry. I thanked him for all the support he's given me over the last 4 years. My parents have been there, but he's been my hugest cheerleader and the person who has pushed me the most to work so hard. I did tell him that even though a graduation gift would be nice, I feel like the real gift is the one I'm giving myself, the degree. I told him if anything I'd just love a party with all of our family and friends there to celebrate. My sister is flying in for it and that's a gift in itself. I can't believe I'll be out of college in 8 weeks. It's insane how close it is to being over, and I couldn't be happier.

I've got caffeine triggered ADD

I have a lot of things floating around in my head and a lot of things I want to say, but I had some tea today and caffeine makes my mind go insane. I can't concentrate for anything right now, which really isn't that good. I guess I'll make little bullets for now.

• Hubby surprised me today with his earnest desire to spend his day off tomorrow together.
• Coming home to Hubby after a few days away was wonderful. It's so disgustingly cliche.
• Met some interesting characters today on my tour of historic sites (one told me I'd receive 10 million dollars if I married his son, no joke!).
• I'm excited about the prospect of doing the pilgrimage this April.
• Learned a lot about myself on the previously mentioned trip. Three days in a new environment gave me a lot to think about.
• I'm really shocked at how much I learned. Good things, I think.
• I still wish I felt more beautiful.
• I'm very glad that I've had the chance to express myself creatively lately in places other than my lesson plans. I feel like I'm getting back to something good.

I guess that's it for now. I'm supposed to be working, but like I said, I can't concentrate to save my life. I think I'll run over to my parents' house in a little while to return some borrowed items.

The End of an Era

Wow! Something big happened recently. I looks like the visit I took to California (my home state) in August was my last for quite a while. I just found out my sister and her husband are moving to Colorado. They were my #1 reason for going there. I may end up there evetually to see my best friend or if one of my cousins gets married, but my grandmother is moving out here where I live, along with my aunt uncle and cousin, so I only have a few people left in CA now. It's very weird. I wish I had known, I think I would have done things differently. Someday when we have the money to make a trip just for fun I'll have to say good bye the right way.

Bipolar Dream Girl

Sometimes I think my dream self is bipolar. I have this really odd thing that happens regularly in my dreams and it always freaks me out a little bit. I guess maybe it's just a way of dealing with stress but eeww. I go insane in my dreams sometimes. If something doesn't go my way I always completely flip out and begin screaming and throwing things and berating people. Sometimes I even hurt people. It's kind of scary because I wonder if I might somehow be capable of acting this way in waking life.

Last night I had a dream that my mom and I were shopping in a Spencer's type store for little gifts for our husbands for valentines day. My mom found two little gift boxes with chocolates and massage oils. She said "let's get one for your Hubby and one for my Husband." I soon realized she meant to give both of them the gift boxes from her. I flipped out because I assumed she was being nice and paying for my gift to Hubby, not that she wanted to give Hubby some massage oils. I started screaming about how upset I was that she wanted to give him those things. I started throwing shot glasses at her and breaking them all over the floor. I did something to her that made her unconscious. After sitting under a display somewhere and still being freaked out I calmed down and started crying uncontrollably. I went over and woke my mom up and got into the fetal position on the floor and cried until I couldn't cry any more I begged her forgiveness and in general just felt like a piece of shit.

It was the most horrible dream, and it was so realistic. The thing is, this is not the first time I've had a dream like this. It happens every six months to every few months. I don't know why I dream these things, and it bothers me. It makes me feel weird that my mind is capable of thinking these things, and it really weirds me out that I can see myself in the dream. Sometimes I'll think I'm dreaming about myself, but really when I see me I'm someone else. In these dreams it's always very clear that I am the person freaking out. I guess I'll take solace in the fact that I would never act that way awake.