Handy

This post was inspired by the awesome Stacy of Sassafras Mama.

I am so grateful to be handy. I can build things. I can fix things. This has been an interest of mine since I was a little girl. I was fascinated by my dad's power tools and was always trying to help him out in the garage. There is a picture somewhere of my 4 year old self trying to help daddy by carrying a jug of car oil for him. I did not know that there was a top and a bottom, and it spilled all down the front of my dress but I still had a huge grin on my face because I was helping in the garage.

When I was about 8 or 9 I took to the idea of being a carpenter and asked my dad for scraps of wood and a hammer and nails. I built a "bench" of sorts and was extremely pleased with myself.

As an adult I still take extreme pleasure in working with my hands. When I left B there was something so therapeutic about putting together my new furniture, and I did it with a zeal unseen in myself over the previous months. I left the power tools with B (I know, huge mistake) which made the putting-together even more physically strenuous and fun. I loved changing the oil in my car. I loved learning how to change a tire. Now I am loving fixing up things in J's house. I am oiling door hinges, replacing light bulbs, and putting up walkway lanterns. It is so satisfying to be able to produce something with my own hands.

Brains and Brawn

Up until now I had not mentioned a key thing about my darling J. J is a competitive weight lifter. Yeah, I'm dating a man who can lift 621 pounds off the floor. No, he is not a meat-head. No he is not some steroid-ed out freak. He is a highly intelligent man with a PhD who enjoys keeping himself in shape and challenging himself not only mentally, but physically. (I'll freely admit the results of that aren't too bad to look at either.) J has a competition coming up in a little while out on the west coast. He told me about it, and made his travel plans for it a few weeks after we started dating. I had never seen him lift, and he wasn't sure it was something I would enjoy seeing.

Now that we've been dating for 4 months, I've seen him lift several times and love watching and cheering him on. I expressed to him that I would love to go to the competition this month if he wanted me there, and I could find a cheap flight. Yesterday he called me up and let me know that he had bought me a plane ticket to come to the competition. I am so excited!! I love cheering him on and supporting him in this sport, it is so amazing to see the strength of the human body, and how it can be fine tuned.

The really wonderful thing, though is that not only does he want me there to cheer him on, but he wants me to meet his brother, sister-in-law and nephews who live out there. His mom is also flying in from the east coast. I feel so honored that he would want me there for this "family reunion" of sorts. Every day I grow more and more in love with this truly amazing man!

Gracias

Every day I wake up and am grateful for the life I have. I am so thankful for the happiness in my life. I appreciate the options that I have. I know I am lucky to have grown up in a two-parent house, full of love. I can tell stories about the happiness and warmth I felt in my little cocoon called "home." I am lucky that I still have those two parents around, loving and supporting me unconditionally. I feel blessed to have an amazing sister who is one of my best friends. I know that I am one of the few who has so many people that I know I can count on when things get rough.

Each time I go for a walk along the river, I say a silent prayer of thanks for such a beautiful world to live in. When I wake up on a bight and sunny Saturday morning in the arms of a man I love, and who loves me back, I know I am blessed.

I am so grateful every day for the things I have, but I can't help but wonder if these wonderful things are so amazing because I appreciate them so much. I am grateful for the struggles that have made me so aware of the happiness.

The Alarm is Ringing

This morning I got a wake up call. I was trying to pass a car on my way to work, in a rush as usual and frustrated by the people who wouldn't speed up or get out of my way. It was dark as I took to the opposite lane. Right as I sped up to around 60 MPH I saw a car without its lights on coming towards me just as fast. I stomped on the brakes to slow down and get back into my lane, but as my car started fishtailing I realized there was not enough time, and if I kept on the brakes I was going to spin out of control. So, I let go. I took my foot off the brake, and steered into the shoulder of the opposite lane. I hit the grass and mud and full speed, and the traction started to slow me down. Once I felt safe to, I stepped on the brakes and steered the car so that it was facing the road. I finally came to a stop, shaking and shocked. I was alive, and I was safe. I took a deep breath and got back on the road.

I feel so lucky to be alive right now. I know that this scenario could have gone many different ways, most of which end with me in the hospital or worse. I got lucky. Very lucky. I woke up this morning. The rushing has got to stop. I have to slow down and take a breath.

Rosh Hashanah

A time to reflect on the past year. A time to make plans to be a better person. A time to improve. My time to forgive. I thought a lot in the past few weeks about my anger and resentment towards Ex Hubby. I thought about what it did to or for me. It made me an uglier person, and it affected me, not him at all. Holding onto these feelings was putting nothing but negative energy in the world, and so I let it go. Just in time for Rosh Hashanah I made the vow to breathe that anger out, and I did.

I decided to forgive him for his mistake. He is human. We are all weak, we all falter. I cannot make him repent for his weakness, but I can repent for my own. I took a deep breath and wished him true happiness from somewhere deep within my heart, and I have to say it felt marvelous. I feel unburdened. I feel love.

I can't believe I'm saying this

OK, so I'm just going to come out and say it. I think I'm going to end up marrying J. I know, it's pretty damn soon after the demise of my 1st marriage, but really, we can't help when these things happen in life.

I was on the phone with my sister, and she was asking me how things were going, and then she asked, "So, do you think you'll marry J?" I hesitantly answered a giggly, "yes." I asked her what she thought of that. She said she knew it from about week 2 of our relationship & even told my brother-in-law. She seems really happy for me and really optimistic. She says she's never seen me so happy, and that she can tell that things with J are so amazingly (and wonderfully) different from things with B (the ex). She's right. B & I were fighting after about week 2 of our relationship. J & I are on month 2 and have yet to have a disagreement.

J is just so great! He treats me so well & we're so compatible. He loves to travel and do all sorts of fun things. We're going to a football game next month, kayaking in the lagoon near his house, he even booked a 3 night trip at a bed & breakfast on a lake in October. We've planned to go hiking & kayaking there. He wants to come to all of the football games at my school, he cooks for me, we go on walks, he loves my dog, he wants to take me to the symphony & the theatre, I could go on and on like this. I feel so lucky to have met someone so wonderful, so soon after my life turned upside down. I guess I had good Karma coming my way.

The Common Cold

My new love, J as I will call him from here on out, is about to face the first big test. Will he still love me after he faces the ugly, make-up less, cranky, snot-nosed monster that is....Sick Jane! *cue screaming hordes*

He asked if I needed anything on his way home from work, and truth be told, I really do need some pain reliever for this headache. I also think this is a good opportunity to see how he deals with me being sick. I am a big fat baby when I'm sick, I like to have someone around to take care of me. J left Sunday night to give me the whole bed to sleep in & hadn't been back since. I see his offering to bring the Advil as a good sign. We'll see.

Line in the Sand

My best friend is pregnant, my sister was & is trying again, my college buddy is having a kid too. This is where the line is drawn; the people who are married with kids, and those who aren't. I am in the latter category. I will now, surely, watch as those people drift further from me. I hate to say it, but somewhere inside of me I'm feeling like it should have been me.

Round

There were many times
when she thought this must
be the end.
But there was always
a new blossoming
of hope. Like the oak
awakening after winter’s
long drought.
And she knew
she was more blessed than
many are in one
Life.

I dreamt

She dropped from the sky, spinning, draped in rainbow colored robes.

Zero Tolerance Policy

I find that the more life experience I have, the quicker I grow tired of immaturity. Right now, I am so tire of immaturity. Right now, I have zero tolerance for your desire to act like high school never ended. Right now I have zero tolerance for your whining about a no win situation you have put yourself in. I have zero tolerance for your pessimistic attitute towards my life, just because you are miserable. I havezero tolerance for your being passive-agressive and saying rude things in the context of a joke. I don't need things like this in my life, so I'm about to cut you out of it. Grow up.

i DO have confidence in this

When I daydream about spending time with my new love, I often imagine being on the beach in the warm sun and splashing in the waters. When I visualize my feelings Isee that I am underwater, but comfortable with it, not scared or drowning at all. I thought this reoccurence was interesting so I looked it up in a dream interpretaion, and this is what I found. It seems very interesting:

It is Mer or mother of consciousness. Life began in the sea, at the depths. Our blood is salt like the sea, and thus we have an inner sea. It represents universal mind or being, the collective unconscious, nature’s memory where all experience is stored. The infinite cosmic mind. The surface is conscious life, on which the ship, or idea of self, floats, but is really supported and surrounded by uncharted depths. To dive into it is to dive into self, to look beneath the surface of consciousness, to look back to the source of life, to enter the womb or soul, to reach limitless mind. The sea shore Is the point where all our elements meet. The sea holds either in its depths, or floating somewhere, vast treasures, all the things which men have ever made or thought of or done. Thus the sea can wash them ashore and bring them to our notice, or unveil them to us.

The sea is also universal substance, the stuff that dreams or thoughts or emotions are made of. Thus it symbolises an aspect of inner life, the substance of consciousness, that takes form as thought, emotion, revelation, depending upon which circumstances are shaping it, or whether it is the spirit or Inner urges that move it. So waves are impulses, waves of emotion or urges.

Water represents your feelings, a river the flow of our feelings and energies, and the sea the whole personality from outer surface to the depths of the unconscious, so swimming becomes an ability to cope with your inner feelings and energies. To swim easily is to have confidence in yourself, and a trust in life to support your activities and efforts. To be at home in the waters is to feel at ease with your sexual urges, ambitions, desires and instincts.

Paired

My head cannot reconcile what is happening in my heart. Was happiness always so close at hand?

The Confirmation Hurts

How am I supposed to deal with this? I was out at a ball game tonight when I ran into the Ex Hubby and the bitch he cheated on me with. As soon as she introduced herself to my friend as Lacey I just looked at Ex Hubby, flipped him off, told him to fuck himself & walked away. After which I proceeded to freak the fuck out. I can't believe it happened. I can't believe I got the truth I thought I would never get. I can't believe it still hurts this much after so long. There were so many things I wanted to say and do to both him and her, but I didn't.

I have to see him tomorrow to pick my dog up from him. I will no be going alone. Penny will go with me, because if I were alone there is no telling what I might say or do. I just can't fucking believe it. I feel sick & my heart is beating a million miles an hour. I just wish I had someone to talk to.

Sun is Shining

I hate rhyming crap, but this could make a nice chorus to a cheesy song. I'm happy.

I thank god for prayers that went unanswered,
and the shattering of my "happily ever after."
The life I live now is beautiful and free,
you'll never again be able to control me.
I run wild and I run fast
and keep hoping all of this will last.
I'm gonna travel the world and dance in the sun
and enjoy this life cause we only get one.

Time & Space Seperate (shannon)

It's funny how I look at her and wonder if you ever realized how much alike we are. I wonder if you looked at my face and saw her. I wonder if your slight disdain for me came from the fact that I am her, slightly watered down, but only watered down because you managed to break me. You could not break her. Funny how you did the same thing to us. You "let [us] go" because you knew it was best for us. You were right. I see her and I can only imagine the wonderful things I will be, if she is what women discarded by you turn out to be.

Candy Heart

You ask me,
“Will you turn
bitter?” I answer,
“No” but I am
lying to you. I can feel
the disappointment pour
over my tiny
little heart. I can feel
it crust over and harden
like a candy
coating. Nowhere near
sweet.

My Wave of Fury

My new emotion seems to be anger. I am so angry. So fucking angry! I just want to pour it out all over Ex Hubby's head. I want to wash him in my angry words. I want to baptize him with my anger. I have so many questions that I feel I deserve the answers to. I want to know why he watched me dangle helplessly in the wind while he "made up his mind." In the end he didn't make up his mind. He was a coward and made me make his mind up for him. I want to know why he's such a sniveling coward.

He wonders why I act so strange when I am around him and I just want to tell him, "Because I'm angry as hell. It takes most of my physical and emotional strength not to hit you, and scream at you, and unleash the fury that swells up inside of me when I see you and your smug fucking face! "

I don't want to be so angry, but I am. I guess it is just all part of the process. I just have so many questions. I have so many things that I want to say to him. I feel that I deserve a truth I will never receive, and that knowledge eats at me. I am so tired of people not knowing what they want, and dragging people into their mess of a life.

Sratching at My Surface

I am staying with my sister and her husband and I hate them. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly, but they drive me crazy. They remind me of all the things my marriage was not. They remind me of all the things I wish for. They remind me of the comfort of just having someone there.

I keep watching them in their adorable little daily routine and it makes me think about Ex Hubby. I don't want to think about him, and I don't think that I really miss him. I just miss the comfort of him. I miss having someone to sit on the couch with, even if he was sitting on the opposite side of the room. Being around them makes me miss Ex Hubby in a way, but then I think about the fact that we never had any of the things that I see in my sister and her husband, and then the sadness over my divorce dies. Then I am just left with the sadness over the fact that I was married and never felt that, and the sadness that is provoked by the big question. The question of, will I ever find that? Will I ever have a happy and meaningful relationship?

In my nearly 25 years I have yet to have a successful relationship, and that makes me worried about my future.

Stop Motion

Life is a stop-motion
movie. I am making start-stop
progress. Moving forward one
centimeter at a time.

When you rewind
and watch it all play
back. It will speed
up and blossom full.

No more stop-
go, stop-go, but
fast-fast-fast! The illusion
of quick & painless.

I Hear Ticking

My heart has been aching recently with a knowledge I don't think I was ready for. I guess it is not a bad thing, just something that has come at a very odd time in my life. I have realized that I want children. The way I love Penny's children amazes me. My heart swells and my world lights up when I see those two beautiful faces smiling. Several of my friends are having children and deep iniside of me something cries out with the desire for that. Funny though, that this would happen after I get divorced and see no man to have these babies with in my future. I guess in a way it makes sense. My heart and my mother-instincts knew not to desire children with Ex Hubby; knew it would be disaster, heartbreak, sadness that would last all of our lives if we had made that permanent bond between us.

I know I don't need or want a child right now, but someday after I've gotten all of the "living for me" out of the way I'd like to live for a tiny, beautiful little person. I'm hoping when the day comes that I am ready for that, there will be someone there who is willing to make it happen. For now I'll just enjoy Penny's girls & the knowledge that both my sister & best friend will be having babies soon.

Money, money, money, money!

As a teacher in an extremely poor rural area, I make barely any money. In fact, I do not make enough money to pay the bills I have. If you include the alimony payments that I receive from Ex Hubby every month, I still do not make enough money to cover all neccesary expenses. This is a very, very sad thing. Recently I have gotten ridiculously behind on my bills. Almost every bill I had was one month past due. This had me freaking out, crying, the whole bit. I had nothing left to do but call mom and dad, and of course, they came to the rescue.

I have no idea what I would do without them. Today I balanced my checkbook and paid all of my bills. It feels so good to know that as of right now I am caught up on every bill that I owe. I am not behind on anything. I paid my cable, electric, phone, credit card, & car bills. Next week I will get paid & be able to pay my rent. It is such a relief to know that I will not be behind on bills again unless I spend frivolously and put myself in that hole.I cannot afford the services of my phsychologict & psychaiatrist, so instead of stopping treatment my parents have generously offered to pay those bills for me until I can get back on my feet.

Getting back on my feet means that I will have to find some sort of part-time job. I really hate the fact that I am a degree-holding professional who works waaaay more than 40 hours a week, and still don't make enough money to live on. It just doesn't seem fair that someone who has one of the most important jobs in the country im't paid enough to pay all of her bills.

An Open Letter

Man I've Been Dating,

I wasn't ready. I told you and you didn't believe me. You thought you could change me. You can't. That is the one thing I learned. You can't change someone. Never, never, never! You can help someone change if they want to, but you can't make them do it if they don't. There is too much pressure. You want too much from me. I can't give you what you want. I kept telling you. You said you'd wait. You didn't understand that you could wait forever, it's not happening. I don't want you to wait. I want you to be happy. I am not the future wife you are looking for. Stop asking me for what I can't provide, it only makes me feel worse.

I am still sad. I am still holding on. I am still feeling hurt. I am still searching for the truth that I deserve. I can't be who you need me to be.

Sincerely,
Jane

Where am I going??????

I get the feeling that things with my new guy are going a little too far too quickly. I am so confused and mixed up. I realy like him a lot, and I've neve rhad anyone be so sweet to me, but I'm not sure I'm ready for what he's offering. I keep telling him exactly how I feel. I keep telling him that I'm not ready for anything serious, etc. but I'm not sure he's getting it. He keeps telling me he'll wait as long as it takes, etc.

He came over last night and hung out, then we went to bed and he made me waffles this morning. I woke up and kept thinking to myself that although I like him, I'm not ready to commit myself to him. I find myself less attracted to him, and I think it has to do with how much he likes me. I think he kind of scares me. I know I should just go with it and enjoy it, but I'm worried. I am so scared that I'll break his heart. He's a virgin and has made it clear that he'd like to lose it to me, but I just don't think I can let him do that. He's looking for a wife, and I am so not ready to be one.

I love hnaging out with him, he makes me smile and laugh. We have a great time, and I love the fact that he lives downtown. I want to back things off a little, but I have no idea how to do it without hurting him. I am so confused. I don't think I was ready for this. The pressure is getting ot me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to hurt him, but I'm so worried about it.

Wild Child

While I am enjoying my new dating life, my poor sleep cycle is not. I am so ridiculously tired all the time. I really must stop running around at all hours of the night like a young lady of my age should be. Last night I was out until 11 with my new beau. Today as I administer a test to my children, I find myself feeling the tug of sleepiness. I will not give in. I never do, but so help me, it is tempting.

Single, for how long?

The date went amazingly well last night. I met up with him at 6 and did not get home until a little after midnight. We ate dinner, we bowled, we played ski-ball and air hockey. After that we walked around downtown and ended up in a bar with a live blues band. After hanging out and listening for a while they played a slow song and he asked me to dance. He asked me to dance!! The last time a man danced with me was when Ex Hubby danced with me at our wedding. I find this dancing a wonderful and romantic thing. At the end of our dance I was twirled. Being twirled is a great thing! As we walked to my car holding hands he stopped and asked if he could kiss me. I said yes. 'Twas a good kiss. So far this has been the best date I've ever been on.

We're going out again tonight, and I haven't stopped smiling since last night. I really didn't want a boyfriend, but I think I may end up with one.

Trials and Tribulations

I am so ridiculously tired! I couldn't sleep last night because I was so excited about tomorrow. I have sleeping pills, but they turn me into a zombie for the entire next day, so I was S.O.L. Today I had to work, thenI was supposed to come home, then run out to my doctor. When I got home I saw that my folks had FedExed me a check, so I had to run to the bank, then back home to let the dog out, then back out to go to the doctor. As I had just gotten on the freeway, his office called and said he was back up and I could reschedule if I wanted. Apparently the gods were feeling kind today! I rescheduled my appointment, headed home and now here I sit.

I am so hungry, yet I have no energy to get up and make something. Add to that the fact that when my blood sugar dips below a certain level (which it has) I have even less energy than normal and it is almost unbearable to stand for any length of time over a minute. Another reason why I miss living with someone. After he was done yelling at me for letting my blood sugar get so low, Ex Hubby would get up and make me a protein filled snack. Oh well, I'll go get some string cheese that I bought specifically for instances like this.

I am going to sleep like a baby tonight (hopefully). I don't see how I couldn't with how tired I am right now. I can't believe my date is tomorrow!! Wee!

Wednesday

Is it Wednesday yet?? Ahhhh! I know I shouldn't be this excited about my date, but I can't help it. I talked to him again today and he just cracked me up. I just want to keep talking to him because he makes me smile and laugh so much. I know it's not a good idea to be so available and willing to talk, but I can't help it. I hope I'm not getting excited over nothing. It would really suck if I got there and he wasn't as charing or funny in person. At least we've talked on the phone and he was still really funny.

I have no idea what to expect. We made a bet today that the loser of the bowling game has to buy dessert. I had no idea we were eating, I thought we were just going bowling, but now apparently there is food involved. ill we be having dinner? Will it just be bowling and dessert? I have no idea. It has been far too long since I've been on a date. I just hope he kisses me. I really want to kiss him already.

I have a date!

It is official. I have my first PD (post divocre) date. I am going out Wednesday night with a guy I met online. His name is B and he just moved to my town a few months ago from up north. He is 30 and is working in radio and as a bellman at a local swanky hotel until he gets a regular gig at one of the radio stations in town. Apparently he moved here kind of on a whim, with no job or anything, which I really think is pretty cool. It sounds like something I would be tempted to do. We've been talking online and on the phone and he just cracks me up every time I talk to him, which is a huge turn on in my book. Fun and laughter are the ultimate aphrodisiacs for me.

We are going to meet up near his apartment downtown and do some bowling. We are both pretty bad at it, so we've decided a request for bumpers is in order. I can't exactly explain how I am feeling about this. Part of me thinks that maybe it is too soon to be dating again, but part of me is so happy to have a date. I am so mixed up though, I keep getting ahead of myself and wondering abpout the future of things if we hit it off.

I don't really want a boyfriend right now, but I don't want to not hang out with him if I like him. I guess I should probably just take things one day at a time and just see how the date goes. I thought about the possibility of kissing another man. I haven't kissed anyone but Ex Hubby in 5 years. How will it feel? Will I be OK with it?? I can't even imagine having sex with anyone else. No one but EH has seen me naked in 5 years. Yikes!

Milestone

So it looks like tomorrow I may have my very first date since becoming single. The guy seems very nice, and extremely funny, which is a total must. I'm a little nervous, but mostly excited. It will be a day-time date. We are supposed to meet up and go bowling. I'm hoping. We will see. Either way, I'm glad that I'm feeling excitement over these things instead of sadness.

Thought for the Day

As of late my apartment has taken on the very odd aroma of pepperoni. I am smart enough to understand that people's dwellings often take on the smell of the person. And so I have found myself silently wondering: Do I smell like pepperoni?

Cold or No Cold

I was sick last week. I felt crappy on Monday, and even worse on Tuesday. I took Wednesday off because I felt to shitty to go to work. The whole time I'd been using this Zicam stuff to try to shorten the length of the the cold. Thursday I felt better, Friday even better, and Saturday I felt fine. Today I woke up with a sore throat. My sinuses have been draining all day. I can't figure out whether the cold is resurfacing or whether it is just allergies. Penny invited me to come over and hang out with her and the kids but I'm too worried that the cold might be coming back, and then I'd get all of them sick. I am so tired, which is not a good sign. Maybe if I go to bed early and take some Zicam I'll be all right.

Work it out!

I started a new workout regimen yesterday. I figure if I'm going to spend 2 weeks on the beach in a bikini, I might as well look good doing it. I am by no means overweight, in fact, I'm underweight. Somehow my butt is saggy and my tummy is flabby. I guess it is from all the muscle I used to have there that went away. So now I'm working out again, targeting my abs and butt. I'm hoping to see some results in about 6 weeks. I took pictures of the target areas yesterday, and I'm going to take weekly pictures to see if there are any noticeable improvements. I feel good about this, it is a positive life change. I am trying to do anything that keeps me from just sitting at the house moping around about the fact that I am getting a divorce.

I am far too free-spirited to be a small-town, suburban housewife.

I haven't updated in a while. I have been journaling on paper as a kind of concrete relic of this time. I figure it will be interesting to go back and read what I wrote in the pages after all this is over with and done. I think it might be good to see how bad I thought things once were, and (hopefully) how much better things will be in the future. It is so odd to think that in about 2 months I will officially be single. I never really wanted to be single again. I used to look at my single friends and feel so lucky that I had a great man to go home to every night. 5 years later, here I sit writing about my impending divorce. I know it is a bit too early, but I have tried once (unsuccessfully) to thrust myself into the single scene. This should be interesting. I guess now this blog will detail my adventures in being single. Ha! Ah, the joys of my life. Just a few months ago I was writing about how I will not end up divorced. I guess that was just me convincing myself. I knew this was coming for a while, I was just wishing and hoping that it wouldn't. I wish Hubby was happy with who I am and I was what he wanted in a wife, but alas it was not to be. I guess it is a good thing though. I am far too free-spirited to be a small-town, suburban housewife.

Anger Settles In

Today has been an angry day. I am so mad at Hubby. I was thinking about the fact that I am so hurt because when I stood up in front of all of our family and friends and said I would love Hubby forever, and that we would always be together as a team, I meant it with every atom of my heart and soul. Somehow when he stood up there, I don't think he meant it as much as I did. If he did, we wouldn't be going through this. If he really meant it, he wouldn't have emailed other women. He wouldn't have used Lacey's name as his password to search for apartments for me, he wouldn't have written a love song for Lacey. If he had really meant it, he wouldn't have made a fool of me and taken my promise and love so lightly.

Instead, he threw it all away, he didn't realize the preciousness of the gift I gave him that day. I promised to bind my life with his for the rest of our days on this Earth and whatever may come after. He promised the same thing, but I wonder if he had his fingers crossed, because he certainly didn't live up to his end of the promise.

And Then There are Bad Days

I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to get through the days like this. The days where I miss Hubby so badly that I just keep wondering if there isn't any way we could be together. I was walking through the store and playing on one of those CD sampler machines was the song I walked down the aisle to. I cried right there in the middle of the store. I can't stop feeling like I want to crawl into a whole and cry myself to death. Why can't we be together? Why isn't this insanely strong love enough? I don't want this.

Forward Progress

I applied for and was approved for my first apartment on Thursday. I'm so excited about the fact that I qualified for it all on my own. I ended up leasing the one that I wrote about in the previous entry. I should be moving in next Saturday. I went out and bought some new dishes and glasses for my new place. I also got a few decorations. Hopefully by the end of this week I'll have my new futon for the living room along with a coffee table and an end table.

This still all seems so weird and surreal. I can't believe that I'm getting divorced from Hubby. Sometimes I think that this is something that will be so good for my life, but sometimes I feel like maybe I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. I still love and am in love with Hubby, but I just don't think we're good for each other. I miss him a lot though. I went to the house this morning to pick up some things and we hung out for a minute. I wish he weren't such a likable guy. I told him that I am really seeing his idea that we can be friends. I think it would be quite a while from now, but I like him as a person and he's a fun guy. I'm just not sure if I could ever hang out with him as a friend and not remember all of the memories we have as a couple. I guess only time will tell.

I'm going out to dinner with my friend Sunny tonight to get my mind off of things. We were supposed to be going out in a local college town tonight, but her in-laws came into town early and she has to spend time with them. We made plans to go out and shake our booties another night. I know it is going to take a while, but I'm just so ready to feel OK again.

Ass Backwards, but its All Right

I moved out of the house last night. Something happened that made me realize that I don't think I will ever be able to trust Hubby. I confronted him about it and he denied it of course, like he always does, and I doubted him like I always do. We both realized that this is not how a marriage should work. I think that at this point too much has happened and I don't think I can get over the trust issues. I am so very tired of justifying the things he does. I think I deserve better things than what this marriage has held. I deserve to be loved and made feel special. I deserve to be with someone who will do the silliest things with me just because he wants to be around me. I know these things may sound trivial but it is so much bigger than that. I am so freaked out but excited at the same time. I am about to embark on a whole new chapter of my life.

I went looking at apartments today and I think I found a really nice place. It is 820 square feet. It has a washer and dryer in the unit, a fully equipped kitchen, a huge walk in closet, a 4x6 storage area right outside the apartment, vaulted ceilings, a balcony, and all utilities are paid, except electric. The complex has a golf course, a pool, a pond, a gym, and a tanning salon. They would allow me to bring the puppy, which is the best thing ever. The only drawback is that it is 45 minutes away from work. The good part about that is that my chances of running into Hubby at the grocery store or a restaurant are slim to none. I have a few more places to look at over the next few days, but by the end of this week I should be the proud renter of my very first apartment.

Somehow I've ended up doing it backwards. I spent my early 20's married, and now I'm about to spend the rest of my life on my own.

Ticking Time Bomb

I'm beginning to realize that the longer Hubby takes to decide what he wants, the more hurt I am. Every day that he takes to decide hurts me more. Every day that he acts like it is a chore to hug me, every day that he doesn't kiss me or tell me he loves me is a day where his desirability dies a little bit to me. The longer he takes to figure it out, the harder it will be for me to feel secure, happy, loved, or even willing to be in the marriage if he decides that this marriage is what he wants. I hate to say it, but it is the truth. The longer he takes, the angrier I get. The longer he takes, the more I get used to the idea of not being married to him.

Dreams Can be Cruel

I had a dream last night that everything had gone back to normal. In my dream Hubby and I were happy. We hugged and kissed, he told me that he loved me. In my dream he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight for what seemed like an eternity. We made love then fell asleep in each other's arms. This morning I woke up thinking it was real. Then the truth hit me, and I cried.

Apparently These Things Aren't Promised

What ever happened to my Happily Ever After? I'm just waiting for the bomb to drop. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'll probably be divorced within the next 6 months. I just wish he wouldn't drag this out.

On a much happier note, I'm going to hang out with Penny and her girls tomorrow. School was shut down today and tomorrow, so we've got some time off to enjoy ourselves. I'm going to bring over brownie mix and we're going to do some baking. She doesn't know about my plan yet, but I have a feeling she'll love it. I'm so amazingly lucky to have her in my life. Being with her and the girls reminds me that there are wonderful happy things in the world, and there is hope after the darkest of times.

No Decisions Have Been Made

We had our counseling appointment yesterday. I guess things went pretty well. Hubby still needs some time to think about what he wants. I am supposed to give him some time and space to do his thinking. I made sure to let him know that either way things go; I'll be OK. We discussed the fact that he's afraid that if he says he wants a divorce I might hurt myself. I told him I was stronger than that. Sure, I'd be sad and depressed for a while, but I'm a strong person. I can make it through anything. This included.

Maybe I'm Not Up for Being a Victim of Love

I'm so tired of my life right now. This living purgatory I'm trapped in just isn't working. I just want to sleep through the next 5 days. Wednesday is D-Day. I feel like that will be the day the verdict will be handed down. The direction of the rest of my life is trapped in one little box on the calendar. Will he decide to try to make it work, or will he decide he can't? Either way I'll be glad to have the shaking stop. I'm not sure my nerves will hold out much longer.

Depression Settles In

As each day passes I become less and less hopeful that my marriage is going to survive. Hubby and I have had several talks about our marriage, what we wantto change, what we think can change, and the effort that is going to be required. I made it clear to Hubby that I was willing to work as hard as need be to make things work between us. I did not take our marriage vows lightly.

I asked Hubby for a statement of his commitment to making things work. He said he could not promise me anything, because he didn't want to hurt me more if he broke his promise. He says that if the counselor tells him he has to change himself or his life he's not going to do it. That doesn't leave me much hope.

At one point in our discussion he said the phrase, "I feel like I want to let you go, but I can't."
In response, through a heavy stream of tears, I responded, "If you want to let me go you need to. I'm not trying to be mean, but I need to take care of myself too. I don't want to waste years of my life with someone who doesn't really want to be with me."
His reply: "I know. I am unhappy about a lot of things in our marriage, but I don't want to ever stop taking care of you." I don't know what to think anymore.

I told him that the ball was 100% in his court, because I really don't want to be with Hubby if he's just staying with me to keep from hurting me. I may have made the mistake of telling him that if we divorce I'm moving back west and I probably won't be able to talk to or be around him for a very long time. He says he hates to see me crying and hurting, and that he doesn't want to hurt me. He says he hates the thought of not being able to talk to me if we called it off. Honestly I don't know what he expects of me. I know I wouldn't be able to just get over the fact that our marriage is over. I know that every time I talked to him or was around him I would just be hurting and wishing for some miracle to make things the way they used to be. I'm already wishing that enough as it is.

I'm a total wreck. I'm so anxious that I can barely eat. I shake constantly. Sometimes I can fall asleep, sometimes I can't, but when I do I toss and turn and have nightmares. My stomach is a mess. I stopped crying for the most part though, I think my body is out of tears. I just want to know what is going to happen. I'm tired of feeling this way.

Where's the Rewind Button??

It's nearing 2:30 and I can't sleep. I have to be up at 5 and ready to teach 140 teenagers. I'm not sure how I'll do it; I guess lots of caffeene. I keep laying there in bed thinking about everything. I can't stand having my life in limbo. I can't stand feeling like my husband doesn't love me because the only hugs I've gotten in the past week have been forced by me. I'm hurting so much that I just want to scream. I just want it to go away. I want my normal life back.

I still don't believe in divorce

I thought a lot today about the possibility of divorce; about what it might be like and how it might be easier. I began to see how so many people in this country end up divorced. It seems like such an easier option than staying through the incredibly tough parts and working on a relationship. I thought today about moving back home to California, and about getting my own apartment near all of my old friends. I thought about being on my own for once in my life. I imagined having a night job and spending my days pursuing some type of acting or modeling career. I thought about going to parties and clubs with my friends. I thought about taking extended weekend camping trips, and traveling to all of the places in the world I want to go.

I thought about the handful of single people I know and how much fun their lives seem. Then I really thought about how empty and lonely that life would be. Sure, there would be friends and parties, but there would also be an empty apartment to come home to. Yes, I would see the places in the world I want to see, but I would do it alone and thinking about how much Hubby would enjoy being there too. I began to think about the fact that I really didn’t get to be in my 20’s. Hubby and I were engaged by the time I was 20 and married when I was 22. Now I’m 24 and have been to a club 2 times in my life. I thought about all of that, but then I thought about how the fun of the typical 20’s life seems so hollow compared to the fulfillment my successes have brought me.

Thinking of the word success made me reflect on the successes that lie ahead in life, both for me, and Hubby. I thought about Hubby getting his promotion in the next year and how much I want to be there when he gets it. How much I want to be by his side as he achieves his goals. How I want to beam proudly at him from our table at a banquet as he’s congratulated in some way or another for being the amazing person he is. That thought took me to my frustrations about his recent long hours at work and I began to really hear everything he has said to me about them in the past. I suddenly realized how much this means to him, and it made me ashamed for being so selfish and simply wanting him home to keep me company.

Hubby doesn’t have a college education, but he has an amazing work ethic and drive to succeed. He is making it to bigger and better places by hard work alone. I respect that so much and I finally understand how much this means to him. Not only is he doing this for himself though, he’s doing it for us. He’s doing it to provide a better home and life. I want to stand by his side and support him in this because his happiness and success really matter so much to me. I think I’ve lost track of some priorities along the way and somehow figured that all of my wants and desires should come first and that is just not fair to Hubby; both of our wants and desires should be met.

It could be so easy to give up, but I realize that my life would be so empty without Hubby. I want to share everything life has to offer with him. I want to go through all of the amazing successes with him. I want to support each other through the hard times, and come out with a stronger bond. I want to someday snuggle up on the couch in our dream home with glasses of wine in our hands and enjoy just being there in the moment where our hopes have come true. I want to share satisfied and content moments with him on Sunday morning in bed before we get up for the day.

I want so much to be a better person. I want to trust again (which I do know I can't do without his help). I want to stop being jealous and insecure. I want to believe in myself, my abilities, my husband, his love for me, and our marriage. I want to love, trust, and support Hubby. I want to share equally in both the blessings and the burdens of life, and I want all of those things to be returned. I want to rebuild what we have started, and continue together, for the rest of our lives, to create a life we can be proud of. I want to get over the jumble of ugliness that is in my head and just be happy. I think it’s possible. I know it won’t happen over night, but I am so ready to try my hardest. Without working on the insecurity and jealousy though, there will be nothing left of our marriage. I destroyed a lot of it by turning into this stranger in the mirror. I’m not who Hubby married, and I’m not who he fell in love with. I’m not particularly happy about, or proud of this jealous person I have become.

I guess it boils down to the fact that I thought a lot today about what it would be like to end our marriage; and as a fantasy it seemed so tempting, but as a reality I know it would not be what I wanted. Being married to Hubby is what I want and what makes me happy. Starting today I commit myself to working as hard as I can to make our marriage work. I hope that he is willing to make that same commitment. If he is, I have hope that we can get through this, and in the end re-commit ourselves and our lives to one another.

Wild Horses

Haunting, hollow voices
echo "Wild Horses"
as I sit
in my darkened car imagining
the results of leaving
the engine on
parked in our garage.

I wanted to be young,
romantic, and reckless.
Driving nowhere holding
hands and looking at the stars
through the roof
of the car we thought could take
us anywhere our love led us.

Instead we sit watching
as the stars rain
from the sky around
us. They are beautiful
as they fall
but will never illuminate
our sky again.

Somehow we're here
strangers in the same
house. Old and haggard in our prime.
Young, romantic, and reckless seem
to have passed us by like wild mustangs.
Can we run fast
enough to catch up?

Disappointment

I’m so upset and confused, and hurt, and disappointed. So disappointed. In a lot of people. I’m disappointed in a lot of things I’m so disappointed. I’m not sure what I was expecting when I said I’d marry Hubby, but I’m sure it wasn’t this. I’m disappointed in what our marriage has become. I didn’t sign on for his insane work hours, for him telling me he isn’t happy. I didn’t sign on to barely see him, and when I do for it to be when he’s on his way to the weight room. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say anymore. I locked him out of our room tonight when he hadn’t come home by 10. Maybe it wasn’t the most mature or brightest decision I’ve ever made, but I did it.

When he finally got home and wanted in around 10:45 I wouldn’t let him in. He tired the knob thinking it was broken, but it wasn’t then he knocked and asked me to open the door. I told him that there were two other beds in the house. He knocked a few more times and when I didn’t answer he went to another bedroom. I laid there for a minute and realized that it probably wasn’t the wisest move. I went to tell him he could come in our room and he had the other room locked. I guess I had that coming. I told him he could come in and he said he didn’t want to, and that he didn’t know why I locked the door.

Didn’t know??? Really and honestly he had no clue as to why I would lock him out of our room?? I’m so sure! I told him that I was angry because he keeps coming home between 8 and 10 every night form work. He’s been doing this for about a month now. I’m so tired of it. Maybe if those were his scheduled hours, but his scheduled hours are 8 to 6. He just stays late because he wants to. He keeps saying that it is for us. That he’s trying to get a promotion. My question is, if that is the case why is he still doing it after his boss already told him that he wouldn’t be able to give him the promotion.

He might then say that I shouldn’t complain because he’s using the money from his job to pay the house note and that he shouldn’t be locked out of any room in his house. But to that I say, somehow all of this other co-workers seem to get home to their wives and children at a decent time, and still pay for their house. Why is it that he has to stay so late???

He needs to draw some kind of line. He needs to let it go at some point. Staying at work until 10 isn’t healthy. I’m beginning to think that he’s turned into a workaholic. The one night he told me he was going to get off at a decent time his boss came in last minute with a bottle of champagne and said that they needed to celebrate the New Year. So what did he do?? He stayed at work for another 2 hours to hang out with his boss instead of me. That doesn’t really make me feel that great.

I’m not quite sure what he’s trying to do with working all of these late hours. He knows I have trust issues and sometimes I think he’s doing it just to test me and see how much I trust him. Tonight I wanted so badly to get in my car and drive to his work to make sure he was there, but that is crazy Jane talking, so instead I just stewed. Just lime I’m stewing now. I should be in bed. I’ve got 140 9th graders that need me alert and ready to teach them tomorrow. But instead I’ll end up groggy and irritated at them for nothing they did. Part of me is writing this right now just to annoy him because he’s in the next room. I don’t want him to be able to sleep if I can’t sleep.

I tried calling Penny. She talked to me for about 10 seconds before she said her daughter had come into her room, and she needed to tend to her. She said she’d call me back, and still she hasn’t called. I need someone to talk to so badly. I just am so frustrated and disappointed. I sat and listened while Penny cried into the phone to me for hours when she was going through the problems with her divorce, but she can’t take the time to listen to me as I’m freaking out about my husband.

My therapist cancelled 5 appointments in a row on me and Hubby about 3 months ago. I never called to schedule another appointment. She never called me to get me to come back in. I’m disappointed that someone who said that they cared about me, someone who would hug me and tell me they loved me at the end of every session never called to check on me, never wanted to make sure that I was OK. I just feel very un-cared for right now. My husband doesn’t want to be around me, my closest friend can’t find the time to talk to me when I need her, my therapist doesn’t care if I’m doing OK.

I know this might sound like a little bitch-fest/pity party, and you know what, it is, but I really don’t care. I’m hurt and I want to get my feelings out. Why are things this way? Why can’t everything be peachy? Why did I lock the door? Why won’t Hubby come into our room now? What is tomorrow going to be like? Why am I so dumb? What the hell did I get myself into? Am I ever going to be happy with things the way they are??

I had a thought about that the other day. Why can’t I just let things be? Why am I never happy with things the way they are? Am I self-destructive? Am I just a total psycho? Am I a perfectionist in the weirdest places of my life where there will never be perfection? Sometimes I can’t stand myself. Why the hell can’t I just be normal? Or is this normal?

I take Lexapro for depression and anxiety, Depakote for leg twitches (and I have a sneaking suspicion bi-polar disorder), Provigil for Excessive Daytime Sleepiness, and Yasmin because I’m so totally fucked up that I can’t even imagine being able to take care of another human being. This is me.